So This Is What It’s Like To Have Feelings?

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I guess love does hurt.

A week ago today someone performed a dance medley over the bits and pieces of flesh formally known as my heart. Incase you didn’t catch it: 1, 2 Step, Cha cha slide, Hammer dance, Moonwalk, Jiggalator, Hot Boy Ronald, Ashanti two step, weave pat down, shimmy combo, Michelle trample on 106 & Park stage, the Laffy Taffy, and electric slide for old time’s sake over my feelings = pain. But hey, I’m not bitter.

I’m sure you can infer from the title of the blog that I am not the most open person when it comes to matters of the heart. For a while I looked at the idea of allowing your feelings to cloud your better judgment as a sign of weakness. That giving in to people and being sucked into this vast pool of emotions was a sure fire way to do yourself in. In a nutshell, if you can avoid being hurt, do so. Clearly, my childhood was full of joy, laughter, and Kodak moments that would drive the Cosby’s and the Brady’s into a jealous fit of rage.

Then earlier this year I met someone who changed my outlook about everything. I learned that it was ok to open to another person and let them know you care. It became clearer each day that my views on love and relationships mirrored embittered middle aged divorcees. The cynical one was transforming into “simp.”

And last week this special person said an ex came a calling and that I could get to walking. Well, not so much in those words, but that’s pretty much the gist of it. That and “You’re still my friend.” Sure, pimpin’. I’m sure I can be as cordial to you as Mike Tyson is to Evander Holyfield’s ear. Somewhere buried in that comment is a joke.

In the last week I’ve thought long and hard about where I went wrong. Did I care too much? Was I too generous? Should I not have been so open with my feelings? Why didn’t I play it cooler? Why wasn’t it me? Some of my friends were quick to say that it’s the other person’s loss, I deserve better, they never liked that fool anyway, and all of the other little things friends are supposed to say. My response: “Well if that’s all true, then I am an even bigger idiot for being on the losing end, now aren’t I?”

The friend thing, I just don’t know. I am trying. I’ve even held a conversion a couple of times last week with the inspiration behind Mariah Carey’s biggest hit before “We Belong Together.” It would probably be in my best interest to lay low and give myself some space. I just don’t know how to do that, though. I love this heartbreaker and our “relationship” has made me into a better person. People have noted the difference in me. Friends that I’ve known for several years have commented that they have never seen me this happy for as long as they’ve known me.

Will the happiness retreat? No, but it sure feels that way right now. I could handle my parents telling me some of the vilest and despicable things growing up. I always took on anyone that would try to hurt me out of jealously or pure ignorance. But this – these feelings that I can’t let go of – it’s a tricky thing to shake.

I think what bothers me the most is the way the news was delivered to me — via instant messenger. Granted, this was a long distance deal and we didn’t see each other often, but damn!…try a phone. I was on my way to New York to support you and you break this to me a mere few minutes before I buy my Amtrak ticket over some vague IM. I find it to be a bit insensitive and selfish. I have no ill will against you, but you know that wasn’t cool. I would still drop everything I was doing to comfort you, even after all of this. I love you and it will take a long time for me to get completely over you. But, I’ll never forget the method you choose to break the news to me. I thought I was better than that. I thought we were better than that.

What was our song again? “When We Get By?” Yeah, that’s the one.

When we get by
We’ll make it by
When we get by with love

Maybe not. That is, unless you wise up and see what a good person I am and change your mind. Wishful thinking. Yes, I’m guilty of that. Hopefully I’ve gained a really good friend, because becoming the poster child for “gluttons for punishment” isn’t particularly good for me right now. I have faith that things won’t turn out that way. You’re a good person and you meant me no harm.

I know I sound a little iffy right now, but I’m sure each of you can recall a time when this has happened to you. If you can’t, consider yourselves lucky.

Alright, time to go listen to “Love Is Stronger Than Pride.” For you readers judging me, do realize it could be much worse. I could be listening to “Giving Up.” Hmph.

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