The Cynical Awards

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Email this to someone

Best way to waste ten dollars: An Unfinished Life starring Morgan Freeman, Robert Redford, and Jennifer Lopez. I’m still waiting on securing those two hours of my life back.

Best way to ruin a date: Actually, it’s a tie. The first way is to talk about your crazy ex for a good hour. Yeah, I just met you…I’on care. In fact, you’re driving me crazy talking about that crazy. The second is to say part of your career goals are stupid, then insinuate you’re going to burn in hell for having them. I’d rather be in hell then listen to a zealot preach to me about my life. Go date a disciple if I bother you that much, kinfolk.

Worst imitation of a President: George W. Bush. It would take me 365 days to cover the 365 different ways he’s screwed us all over. I hope all the church goers that voted for him because they felt he was a man of God are in church right now making penance for their mistake.

Smooth Operator Award: Michael Jackson. Moonwalked right over Tom Sneedon’s case. If he didn’t owe everyone including God $7 dollars, he’d be Man of the Year.

Crackheads Rule: Bobby “The Kang of R&B” Brown and Whitney “I Swung At Him First” Houston. Of course, they’re embarrassing, but hey, I’ve liked Bobby Brown for as long as I can remember, this is the only “performance” he can still deliver.

Give It Up Honors: Ashanti. You had a nice run, but it’s pretty much over. “Tell me what is a girl to do, if she’s still on it?” I don’t know, but you’re not the girl to be posing that question right about now, are you?

Ha Ha Your Film Flopped: Get Rich Or Die Tryin. You should have died trying to find a better way to rip-off 8 Mile.

We Love Each Other, We Really Really Do: Destiny’s Child. Every single interview they note how they are sisters and that they will always be together. Every single interview. All the time. Same thing. Barney never said the word love so much on his best day.

Longest Breakup: Destiny’s Child. They’ve performed damn near 800 times under the promotion that it’s their last performance. These chicks will be performing for us ten years after they’ve each passed on.

Most Likely To Cuss-Out And/Or Stab Someone On-Air: Keyshia Cole. Mary would be proud.

Favorite Guilty Pleasure: D4L’s “Laffy Taffy.” Don’t judge me.

The I’m Not A Hermphadite Award: Ciara. That’s right, CC. You’re not a man, you’re a rip-off of Janet Jackson. Shim can dance her ass off.

Culture Hustler: Gwen Stefani. The Harujuku Girls, the obvious attempts at crossing over, and the video for “Luxurious” all prove one thing: Gwen Stefani will pimp out your way of life if it can score her a hit on the Hot 100. If she takes my “C’mon Nah” and turn it into a number one hit, I’m suing her Japanese teenage girl enslaving ass!

What The Hell: Vibe gives John Legend’s Get Lifted a classic rating. I think someone over at Vibe was lifted when they issued that rating.

I Ain’t Dead Award: Mariah Carey for The Emancipation of Mimi and Mary J. Blige for The Breakthrough. Two good albums delivered by two long written off artists. Take that, take that.

More to come.

Share on FacebookTweet about this on TwitterShare on Google+Email this to someone