The Cynical Awards Cont…

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The This Is Not What They Call Praise Dancing Award: Beyonce and the Beyoncetts for their very well thought out lap dance at the BET Awards. “Do you like it like this? Do you like it? Do you want it? Heeeeeey!” Well I like it, I want it from Beyonce, but I’m pretty sure Michelle’s pastor didn’t like it and Sister Johnson would throw the Bible at him if he dared to even think about it. A ticket to heaven ass jiggling does not purchase.

Quit Frontin’: Mariah Carey for this picture:

Emancipate those pads, Mimi. Love you like a crazy Aunt, though.

Keepin It Hood Honors: Murry J. Blige for putting Mimi Valdes on full blast for her ET inspired cover on the night the publication bestowed the “Legends” award to her.

Shut the Hell Up: Usher. Stop talking. Just sing, bust out the same choreography you’ve been doing since My Way, and stop making me regret supporting you monetarily.

If I Had One Wish, It Would Be That You Are Never Allowed Into the Recording Booth Again: Ray J. Puberty never sounded this bad.

Best Reincarnation of the Spice Girls: The Pussycat Dolls

He’s Dead, Stop Pimpin His Music: Sean “Puffy Diddy” Combs for the Biggie Duets album. I love Biggie, but that album just isn’t what’s up.

So What The F*ck: Stevie Wonder, En Vogue, and Prince on guitar for “So What The Fuss?” Proof that you can get the most talented people in one room and still release some ole bullshit.

Don’t Try And Rap, Fool: Kevin “K-Fed/Mark From Roseanne” Federline.

You Can’t Rap or Act: Trina. “Blah blah blah blah.” So many more names could go here, though.

Skeletor: Nicole Ritchie and Victoria Beckham. If I saw a recent picture of Michael from “Good Times,” I’d add him, too. Instead, Tevin Campbell gets an honorable mention.

I’m Glad You Found Peace With God, But Please Make One More R&B Album…Shoot an EP…Lemme get something,Please: Kelly Price. I’ve always liked her voice. She can rip a gospel song, but I liked her secular music and she killed the background on a number of songs through the years.

Get Your Swagger Back Award: Jennifer Lopez. You were beautiful, you couldn’t sing a lick, but you ruled the charts, and even your terrible movies scored at the box office. Now you’re married to a man who looks like he’s been dead for six months. Go back to a well guarded block covered in white and return to your roots, J.Lo.

You Don’t Have to Act Down, People Still Like You: Tyra Banks. One more forced neck roll and I swear her head is going to spin into the atmosphere.

You Have Pull: Will and Jada. Why else is “All Of Us” still on the air?

I Can Almost Respect UPN Because of You: Chris Rock and the cast of “Everybody Hates Chris.”

You May Not Be Able To Hear, But Yo’ Ass Still Crazy: Foxy Brown. The illloonboonana.

Are You Slow?: I didn’t watch TLC’s UPN reality show, “R U The Girl…To Use While We Try to Resurrect Our Careers?” but apparently, the winner complained in a radio interview that T-Bone (I like that name better) and Chilli had no real intentions of carrying on with TLC or helping her set up a career. They only used her to promote their solo endeavors. Perish the thought.

Stop Lying: Babyface for having a new song about holding on to a relationship regardless of the problems in the midst of getting a divorce.

Shut Up Fool: Noname Debarge for appearing on the wannabe Wendy and/or Star’s morning radio show to say Janet had a secret daughter, not offering any proof. What? You can’t tell me she was holding out for Rebe’s “Centipede” money.

Take Off the Wig, Ike/Tootie/Joey Lawrence’s Character from the Nell Carter Show: Lauryn Hill. I am ecstatic to have you back, but lose the wig.

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