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How many Christians do you know of that have remained true to the teachings of the Bible that speak against fornication, i.e. pre-marital sex? After giggling for a few seconds, take a minute (though I doubt it takes that long) to debate how effective preaching abstinence to non-believers will be. If you’re a logical thinker, the idea of giving money to Christian groups to fight AIDS abroad would trouble you. But, if you’re a zealot who wouldn’t know rational thinking if it screamed at him in his huge ears, you would blow nearly one quarter of your AIDS-fighting grants on religious groups. Your President has decided to make this his millionth mistake while in office.

Award recipients include a Christian relief organization famous for its televised appeals to feed hungry children, a well-known Catholic charity and a group run by the son of evangelist Billy Graham, according to the State Department.

What? Why? Moron. Grr.

The Bush administration provided more than 560 million condoms abroad last year, compared with some 350 million in 2001.

That’s encouraging.

Conservative Christian allies of the president are pressing the U.S. foreign aid agency to give fewer dollars to groups that distribute condoms or work with prostitutes.

So much for that. I mean why would you want to prevent the spread of sexually transmitted diseases when you can make feeble attempts at stopping a practice that has been around for centuries? Who cares about saving lives? We must stop victimless, immoral crimes that are far easier to target than the major ones like war and greed. Besides, if we guilt people up enough about sex, they’ll stop thinking about how we’ve failed them by supporting a President whose policies pay homage to the seven deadly sins.

“We clearly recognize that it is very important to work with faith-based organizations,” said Dan Mullins, deputy regional director for southern and western Africa for CARE, one of the best-known humanitarian organizations.

“But at the same time we don’t want to fall into the trap of assuming faith-based groups are good at everything,” Mullins said.

Mullins seems like a nice guy. A very smart individual, indeed. We needn’t be too honest about our feelings of this change in direction. You don’t disagree with Bush if you need the funds. I’ll do it for Mullins. Bush isn’t doing me any favors.

“But at the same time we don’t want to fall into the trap of assuming faith-based groups are good at everything” is a subtle way of saying that bullshit of theirs won’t work way over yonder. Yes, I said way over yonder. Over the ocean = way over yonder.Religious groups are effective usually because they have ties to their community. That I’ll give them. However, limiting the distribution of condoms and replacing talk of practicing safe sex (which is what will likely happen) is not only very dangerous, it’s foolish. It doesn’t work here, so why would it anywhere else?

Let’s take a good look at some of these groups:

Samaritan’s Purse, which is run by Graham’s son, Franklin. It says its mission is “meeting critical needs of victims of war, poverty, famine, disease and natural disaster while sharing the Good News of Jesus Christ.”

How colonial.

World Vision. The 56-year-old Christian organization is known for its TV appeals — some with celebrities such as game show host Alex Trebek — that asked people to support a Third World child.

Yes. Prevent AIDS by promising people a chance to meet a man many of them have likely never heard of. Genius this is.

Catholic Relief Services. It was awarded $6.2 million to teach abstinence and fidelity in three countries; $335 million in a consortium providing anti-retroviral treatment; and $9 million to help orphans and children affected by HIV/AIDs. The group offers “complete and correct information about condoms” but will not promote, purchase or distribute them, said Carl Stecker, senior program director for HIV/AIDS.

I was raised Catholic. You’ve got to love a statement that saves you the time of pointing out the contradictions it’s full of. It’s like CCE without the work.

And just what will these organizations be doing? Dumbya’s biding, of course.

For prevention, Bush embraces the “ABC” strategy: abstinence before marriage, being faithful to one partner, and condoms targeted for high-risk activity. The Republican-led Congress mandated that one-third of prevention money be reserved for abstinence and fidelity.

I’m thinking of a few letters about this strategy and the man who embraces it. Let’s see, F,U,C…guess the other four.

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A few thoughts:

1. It’s good to have an attention-grabbing cover, but let’s always think long and hard about the type of attention we want before we settle on an idea.
2. Enjoy the rampages from the Religious Right and Bill O’Reilly.
3. You don’t think is a good way of winning over the uber-stiff NARAS voters for Album of the Year, do you?
4. You really think highly of yourself, don’t you?
5. I’m not dancing to “Golddigger” in hell.

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I am sore. From my shoulders (hectobone, whatever they call it) to my chest to my lower back to…well my shoulders and chest. Ouch. I’m taking weight training this semester. No, I don’t know what I was thinking. I usually tell people I’m swole all the time. But to weigh around 158 on a good day and stand at 6’1, everyone can pretty much infer that I’m saying that in jest. That or I’m just crazy. Doesn’t matter.

Well yesterday we had to do a bench press test. In what parallel universe am I suppose to bench press close to 200 lbs? I can barely lift the cooler full of drinks back home, much less bench press anything. I tell the instructor up front, “Ok I’m going to try. But I’ve recently lost a large amount of weight, so I’m just happy to be slimmer, but I will definitely try.” He asked me if I have ever bench pressed before. I hold my arms in the air. There’s your answer.

He then asked if I would be more comfortable going on the woman’s side. Cute. Real cute. I say no and he’s kind enough to allow me to exchange the weights. I’d say it was about a 100 lbs less. I did 8 sets. I don’t know about you, but I’m proud. Someone waiting in line, whom we’ll refer to as Hercules because apparently lifting that much is like tossing an empty can of Sprite in the trash, shook my hand. Moral support. Thanks.

I look at the coach and say, “Well I did eight. I’d say that’s pretty good for a beginning. Hey, I’m trying man.” He smirks. That’s much better than yelling “girly man.” Good guy.

I’m not trying to look like Boris and Tyrese. I actually like my size. JJ Evans wishes he could look this good. Ok, I’m kidding. I’m not that thin. I think every relative in Texas and Louisiana would hold a Gumbo and catfish intervention if things got that bad. But, I am a slim guy and I’ve fine with it. I use to look like a tanned Pilsbury Doughboy, only I yelled obscenities instead of “Woohoo” if one poked my tummy.

Let’s hope I get toned…kinda. Let’s cheer me on as I push myself to do 9 1/2 reps when the test is repeated at the end of the semester. Let’s all pray I don’t keel over before then.

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I think I’ve pretty much made it clear that I’m no longer on Hillary Clinton’s cheerleading squad. Still, I know she’s going to be the Democratic Presidential nominee in 2008 and no way in hell am I voting Republican…not that my vote for a Presidential candidate matters in the state of Texas anyway (Thanks Electoral College). Anyhow, always on the campaign trail (and not for her Senate seat in 06 that’s already in the bag), Senator Clinton spoke at an event honoring Dr. King at Canaan Baptist Church of Christ in Harlem.

Clinton blasted the Bush administration as one of the worst in U.S. history.

“We have a culture of corruption, we have cronyism, we have incompetence,” she said. “I predict to you that this administration will go down in history as one of the worst that has ever governed our country.”

Eh, duh. Stating the obvious won’t score you that treasured sound bite, though. Nor would mentioning that she and many of her fellow Democrats serving in the Senate gave the moron-in-chief the authority to make half of these brainless decisions, but I digress. Hillary, like her husband, aims for the gusto. Now, what’s an easy way to rile up a room full of blacks? Dropping references to slavery, of course.

Depending on the day, it’s best to stay clear of me if I see a promo for Roots. And while some us may not want to admit it, hearing about the atrocities done against people of color in this country will usually ruffle your feathers…even if only a wee bit.

Clinton likened the Republican-controlled Congress to a plantation.

The House “has been run like a plantation, and you know what I’m talking about,” said Clinton, D-N.Y. “It has been run in a way so that nobody with a contrary view has had a chance to present legislation, to make an argument, to be heard.”

On second thought, maybe it takes a little bit more than a quick slavery reference to really piss me off. I think Hillary would have done a lot better mentioning Henry VIII to a room full of Britain’s angriest to make her argument stronger. If it were a plantation, Hillary would be in shackles or in the big house serving as the youngins’ Mammy. I’m not seeing the correlation.

I’m trying not to hop too deep into my soapbox, but I’ve long grown tired of the Democrats mentioning the Civil Rights Movement, slavery, and legalized segregation in churches across the country to move blacks to the polls, only to turn a blind eye once they’re sworn into office. If you can’t deliver, shutup.

Congrats on making the news, Hill, but you’re still boring me.

RNC spokeswoman Tracey Schmitt said: “On a day when Americans are focused on the legacy of Martin Luther King, Hillary Clinton is focused on the legacy of Hillary Clinton.”

Dumbya once took King’s holiday to speak against affirmative action. Have a glass of “shut the f*ck up.” Then let some of the Democrats have a sip.

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“What did you say about Love & Life?”

The Queen of Hip Hop Soul has a message for PETA: “Touch my coat and that’s yo ass!” Well, she didn’t say it that way exactly, but y’know, that’s what she meant.

“Those PETA people don’t want to mess with me, they don’t want to throw paint on my coat because it’s not just going to be throwing paint. It’s going to be Mary in the news the next day, you know what I mean?

Well maybe she did say it that way. Putting Mimi Valdes on full blast at the award show she planned. Alluding to pushing close family members away for not wanting to join her in happier times (Happy Belated Birthday, LaTonya), and just being the good old blunt ass Mary everyone has come to love. No wonder The Breakthrough is so good despite it’s positive tone — Mary can still get pissed off.

If someone from PETA chooses to throw blood on her fur and she pulls out the blade from underneath her tongue, expect a double disc classic LP in summer 2007.

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If I squint hard enough, maybe more people will take me seriously

Two weeks removed from Christmas, one of the most important holidays of the Christian faith, televangelist and village idiot, Pat Robertson, appeared on the sheep-friendly program, “The 700 Club,” to speak on Israeli Prime Minister Ariel Sharon’s massive stroke. Ever the bastion of sensitivity, good ole Project Pat implied that God was seeking revenge against Sharon for ordering the withdrawal from the Gaza strip.

According to Robertson, “God says, this land belongs to me. You better leave it alone.”

According to me, this man is an idiot. Perhaps even the type of idiot that deserves a swift kick to the neck. Maybe then he’ll feel even a small inkling of the pain and suffering currently being endured by Sharon.

Robertson would further add the Bible “makes it very clear that God has enmity against those who ‘divide my land.’’’ Sharon, as Robertson sees it, “was dividing God’s land, and I would say woe unto any prime minister of Israel who takes a similar course.”

Woe unto the broadcasters who give him the airtime to make such brainless comments.

After the White House and Senator Harry Reid both denounce Robertson’s comments, his spokesperson replied that Robertson was merely saying “what the word of God says.”

It’s been a while since I’ve been to Bible study, but someone please tell me there’s something in there about morons being smacked on the forehead for misquoting scripture. All I remember is something about false prophets ending up in a very bad place in the afterlife. Perish the thought for Robertson.

What would Jesus do? I’m guessing not writing off someone breathing through a respirator after undergoing 13 hours of surgery to stop the bleeding in their heads as simply “he had it coming.”

Someone slap Robertson with the entire book of Psalms, please.

When he’s not using God’s name in vain, he’s making plans to create a religious theme park or “heritage center” in Israel. Upon completion, let’s hope no one ever attacks such a venue with the excuse, “The devil made me do it.”

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