106 & Useless

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Come back. Come back now.

I think my friend just wanted me to suffer with him, so at his request, I turned on 106 & Park. If you’re reading this, I will get you back.

So five minutes in I see this hooker with a bright yellow dress on and twenty-seven and a half inch heels. The dress is really tight. It’s riding her thighs. I can almost tell what day she got her snatch waxed. Who else could it be but Mariah Carey? Channeling Big Bird, Mimi struts down the 106 and Park set twirling her hair like Malibu Barbie, making her way to the couch with Pinky and the Lame to discuss her new tour.

Mariah Carey and Sean Paul on tour together. One can’t dance, while the other can’t talk. Match made in heaven. Her tour is called “The Adventures of Mimi.” One trip to the pyschiatrist. Another to the pharmacist. Then to the bar. All with a fan set on high blowing in her face. There, I just saved you some money.

I actually love Mariah Carey so I’m saying this all in jest (well maybe not all…), but it’s time I admit the obvious: Mimi’s crazy as hell. I want to just chalk her antics up to her being drunk, but some of that is just Mariah in rare form. I’ll just liken her to a crazy but lovable relative.

But what I won’t tolerate is that “Yes I’m is” talk she was yappin earlier. My my, aren’t we down when convenient. You can’t be ghetto and blow air kisses at the same time. “No, dawlin.”

Actually, Mariah could show up on the show with a bong pissy drunk trying to rap like Roxanne Shante and still be better off than Whitney Houston lately. So do your thisel, Mimi.

The show got progressively worse following Mariah’s appearance. And apparently the show has become 106 and Apollo. Dance contest? I’m waiting for Kiki Shephard to pop up with that old puzzle looking board from Soul Train any day now.

Then there are the actual videos. Sigh. Music sucks nowadays, don’t it?

Everything else I’ve learned from this show:

1. This show could be called 106 and Bankhead and no one would say anything.
2. Julissa and Tigga have about as much chemistry as a queen and a buttnaked stripper from Atlanta.
3. I could see little kids lining up in front of Mariah Carey in that dress like they’re about to board the yellow school bus. They looked oddly similar.
4. Cassie sounds like Lumidee and crawls around like Jennifer Lopez. “I’m Glad” you’re signed to Bad Boy; it means you only get one video.
5. When someone lets you know 106 is about to come, turn the tv off.

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