Round Two: You Get On My Damn Nerves

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Back in November I published “Oh I Think They Irk Me: Round One” – a list of all the music acts that irritate the shit out of me. Well, it took me long enough, but I’m back for round two.


Marilyn Monroe meets Betty Boop

Christina Aguilera

Is she ever fucking happy? What is up Christina’s ass that always has her in a funk? On second thought, I remember the “Dirrty” video, so don’t answer that. A few years ago she made swipes at Britney, Beyonce, and Pink. Britney, because even fat and married to a bum she can garner a hell of a lot more press than Christina could standing butt ass naked outside the White House. I gather she doesn’t like Beyonce because Beyonce can dance like a stripper and still not be labeled a slut the same way she is. That and she can sing just as well as she can. And Pink, hmm, I don’t really remember. All I can recall is Christina saying Pink copied her, though I do believe Pink worked with Linda Perry first.

Now Christina’s commenting on everyone’s favorite eternal tween, Mariah Carey. I’m not a lamb (at least not admittedly anyway), but I wouldn’t comment on someone taking anti-depressants. Not only is it in poor taste, but you never know when you might run into a crazy person the one day they forgot to take their medication. Can anyone else picture Mariah strangling Christina Aguilera then quickly getting a manicure?

What bothers me the most about her is that her voice really isn’t all it’s hyped up to be. She can sing, yes. But it’s the same run over and over again. She’s been screaming at us the same way since “Lady Marmalade.” And am I the only one that notices how often she ends every line with a “ha!” during her live performances?

Everyday is so wonderful…ha!

And suddenly…ha!

It’s hard to breath…ha!

The hell are you laughing at?

Lastly, I hope the spirit of Donny Hathaway kicks her ass for ruining “A Song For You.” That was one the worst remakes I’ve ever heard.

I lost it after the 2004 Superbowl.

Justin Timberlake

He’s a bitch. There’s really no eloquent way to put it. I don’t forgive Janet for letting this lame defile her in front of a billion people, but he’s sorry for pretending to be shocked at what happened. This fool wants to be down more than Brandy ever did, and has failed miserably at every attempt in the past few years. Talented, yes. King of Pop, hardly. What crack pipe were the people over at Rolling Stone sharing when they dubbed him that?

I can only imagine what the response will be to his second debut album, which is reportedly called Future Love/Sex Sounds. Hey, Justin, Prince and Gwen called – they want their style back. And you still have Michael Jackson holding on line 1.

When it was ok to show your breasts.

Janet Jackson

I love Janet Jackson, so I won’t be too brutal. I mean, I’ll still do the butterfly and yell “Controoool” at all hours of the day, so their is a level or respect there. I have no shame. But lately, she’s been getting out of pocket…musically anyway. First she dropped “Weekend” as a “gift” to her fans. If you didn’t already know her childhood faith didn’t allow many celebrations, you did after hearing this song. “Weekend” makes me yearn for Monday mornings. And, after listening to her new single, “Call On Me,” I have to face the music: it may be a wrap for my girl. That song sounds like “Dilemma Part 18” and sounds like something the Cheetah Girls should be straining to hum on the Disney Channel. Not many want to admit it, but more and more I think Rene had a lot more influence on her music and image than people let on. Janet hasn’t changed her look in years, and she’s become extremely boring. I say someone kidnaps Rene and hold him ransom until we get a new sound and image for Janet out of him.

Beyonce, only with less calories.

Rihanna

Ok, Rhianna is cute the very second you cover her nine-head. Her first single, “S.O.S.” with the accompanying Beyonce-inspired video are both surprisingly enjoyable. And then I heard her second single – a ballad entitled “Unfaithful.” Who told that chick she could stand in front of a mike and actually sing into it? That song could wake people out of a coma – just so the person could bitch-slap whoever didn’t turn off the radio the very second that awful song began to play. “S.O.S. please someone help me, this young big head chick cannot sing.” She seems like a really nice girl. I want to keep thinking that way, so please, no more ballads, Rhionce.

Ne-Yo: Too ugly to post

Ne-Yo

Ok, maybe I’m in the minority here, but his album does nothing for me. His voice is a bit bland to me, and despite giving ugly people hope that they, too, can have a career in the image-driven music industry if they persevere and write enough hit songs to guilt a record contract out of someone, I don’t get why he’s so popular.

Older Than God

The Isley Brothers featuring Ron Isley AKA Mr. Bigs BKA Tax Evader AKA squared Dirty Old Man

Why does he have an album called Baby Making Music at the age of 209? Eww.

Paris Hilton

If you don’t think the Devil is real, listen to her debut single. She makes this heathen want to join the church choir.

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