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Please Laugh At Her…Please

See what happens when your husband is too lazy to get you any bit film roles? Now we all must suffer.

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If you don’t know who the young women standing next to Dumb Dumb Diddy (Sorry, Aaron Hall, this name just sounds cooler that way) is (and don’t feel bad, because up until a couple of weeks ago, neither did I), her name is Cassie and her debut single, “Me & U” is currently sitting pretty at number three on the Hot 100 chart.

Flipping channels one nite I stumbled along her video. It looked like a cross between Janet’s “Pleasure Principle” and J.Lo’s “I’m Glad” with an added twist of Ashanti’s lack of rhythm and coordination. So ok, she’s not much of a dancer. What else could be driving her success?

My next guess is maybe I was too busy being dumbfounded at the notion of someone being that stiff that young to notice her insanely cleverly written track.

I know them other guts, they’ve been talking ‘bout the way I do what I do

They heard I was good, they wanna see if it’s true

They know you are the one I wanna give it to

I can see you want me, too

And now it’s Me & U

Are you wondering if a 16 year old wrote that shit, too? I sure was for a good hour. Turns this song is the brainchild (and I use that turn loosely) of self-proclaimed “Usher’s Partner in Crime” Ryan Leslie.

If those are the type of lyrics that churn out hits, I think I might take a stab at this myself.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Baby I love you
I know you love me too

Don’t act like you didn’t just sing that to yourself. And finally, I caught her performance on TRL via Youtube and I realized just how terrible this chick is.

Rudy and Olivia from the Cosby Show both lipped better than this chick. She doesn’t even try to mask the fact she’s talentless. The sad part is the audience ate it up.

I can’t be the only one that notices how terrible she is, right?

From the Billboard review of her debut album:

Typical is lead single “Me & U,” a mellow and inescapable summer tune. Cassie masks her glaring lack of vocal range and depth by showing versatility on tracks like “What Do U Want” and second single “Long Way 2 Go,” where she playfully raps à la Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous,” although that style becomes annoying over time. Other lighthearted cuts such as “Kiss Me” and “Not With You” are melodic enough to atone for her vocal flaws, and throughout, the album’s whispery piano runs and simple basslines create a fresh listening experience.

Shout out to the very talented writer and personal shero of mine, Clover Hope for penning this review. It’s a very well written way of saying that chick can’t sing worth a damn, but dammit, I can’t help but sing along to this catchy bullshit.

Her review is a lot more credible than psychotic VJs likening her to the late Aaliyah.

Aaliyah? Some people are out of their rabbit ass minds. Aaliyah wasn’t the best singer, but Cassie makes her sound like Gladys Knight (or at least a Pip) and her stiff self can’t even move on beat let alone dance.

So she can’t really sing. She can’t dance. She’s cute, but not drop dead gorgeous enough to distract from her lack of talent, so why is she popular, or better yet, why did she get a record deal in the first place? I think she’s possessed by the spirit of Lumidee.

I don’t know, but I’m definitely considering writing a book about the current state of the music industry and title it, Fellatio Matters.

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More lethal than any pistol.

Burger King has unveiled a new line of jumbo high-rise burgers called the BK stacker sandwiches. Each sandwich is stacked with layers of “meat,” cheese, and bacon that’s topped off with stacker sauce. What is stacker sauce? Don’t know. Don’t want to know. I’m still trying to figure out what ingredients McDonalds allows to spoil to make their Big Mac sauce.

And being the kind chain that they are, Burger King gives you the option of selecting how many beef patties to place in your sandwich.

Double Stacker – 2 beef patties, 2 slices of cheese, and 2 pieces of bacon for about $2.49.

Triple Stacker – 3 patties, 3 pieces of cheese, and 4 pieces of bacon for $3.29

Quad Stacker – 4 meat patties, 4 slices of cheese, and 8 slices of bacon for $3.99.

Do you want a triple, quadruple, or quintuple bypass in ten to twenty years? Choose wisely.

And just for future reference:

The average cost for gastric bypass, which creates a much smaller stomach and rearranges the small intestine, is $26,000.


Total average cost of MIDCAB (minimal bypass) surgery was $12,885 compared with $21,260 (full bypass) in the CABG group,” Dr. Zenati said. “We observed significant savings for all major cost centers in the MIDCAB group except for pharmacy.”

Those were the prices in 1997, so kick in another $6-8k. And this doesn’t include the cost of the additional medication you’ll have to take for the rest of your life.

I’m just saying.

If you’re wondering, no, I am not a judgmental health freak. Up until a couple of months ago, I thought drinking orange juice counted as daily fruit intake, so I’ll probably die six months after you. But, the reason why I’ll last those extra months is I know painful chest pains and a belly drooped to the floor when I see it.

With that being said, happy eating. 🙂

Disclaimer: If you work for Burger King or McDonalds, don’t worry. If you ever want to sponsor what I hope is my wonderful show one day, I’ll sell out for a Chicken Whooper or an Oreo McFlurry. I’m no fool.

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Well it certainly explains the look…

With the launch of a new album comes another round of press where the bitch-like-me persona of Justin Timberlake shines through. If you remember, back when he was promoting (un)Justified(hype), Timberlake did an interview Star and Buckwild where he hinted at performing oral sex on a then attractive Britney Spears, in addition to appearing on shows like 106 and Park to talk about his love for women with ass (yeah, Cameron got that Trina booty). As annoying as all of that was, Justin seems to be on a campaign to best himself, and judging from what he’s telling the UK Press, he just may be well on his way.

In an interview with Britain’s Observer Music Monthly, Timberlame tells the publication he done “Way too many drugs” to ever seek such a high-profile position such as president of the United States. Obviously, he’s not familiar with our current commander-in-chief, but I digress. Without specifying with narcotic substances he’s dabbled with, Timberfake did say, “nicotine is more addictive than heroin.”


As if that wasn’t bad enough, Timberbitch goes on and on and on.

In reference to college: “There’s too many…women. Women, drugs, and debauchery.”

That’s right, Timbertwat. College has too many books, signs of intelligent life, and nothing remotely related to you making a career out of stealing Michael Jackson’s swagger.

He’s also running his yap about Britney Spears for the millionith time in the latest issue of GQ:

“When we initially parted ways, I felt like she had a couple of opportunities to just sort of stick up for me, and she didn’t.”

It’s probably difficult for someone to do that when you’re pimping out their name to boost your own celebrity. And Justin, Janet Jackson called — she said “Deja Vu, bitch.”

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She looks like a sexed up version of Simba. I take it this makes LeToya Luckett, Scar.

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Now I’m a known Beyonce stan, but even I can’t forgive that wack ass “Deja Vu” video. I don’t even know where to begin. Wait. Yes I do.

Singing in a beaded dress in the swamp.

Doing the funky lopsided suffering from disease chicken in a grass skirt.

Running around in the fields like Celie searching for Nettie.

It’s like they took every old southern stereotype and used them to come up with the treatment for the video.

Back to the skirt for a second. She looked like a castaway from Gilligan’s Island. Fire your mama already! You’re name is Beyonce, not Ginger.

And what’s the deal with the pseudo African dances near the plantation home, Bee? She looked like she was about to perform a voodoo ritual. I hope those weren’t the spirits of New Orleans she was trying to channel. Creoles don’t bring that up. Look at her starting shit.

What probably bothers me the most is how she’s behaving with Jay-Z. I understand that’s her dude and all, but he looked so uninterested in her. Did she really drop to the floor and snatch on his belt buckle? I mean for a minute there, I thought chick was about to show she’s a quadruple threat.

Her handlers and boyfriend parade her around as a sexual accessory and she purposely plays into that. Why is she making herself look so desperate, especially when it’s her video? He’s the clown that looks like a walking ad for cancer/Kool cigarettes? So what he has money, he’s uglier than gluttony and she’s Beyonce. Like, what’s wrong with you, chick?

You didn’t think about how that might make you look to people? Wait, probably not, because you don’t have to think for yourself too often, now do you? Your father made your career. Your mother molded you based on her own failed dreams of Supremes like stardom. And now your Jay’s chick. I bet if women really thought about it, a lot of them would probably throw one finger at you instead of their entire hand. Maybe you’re only independent until he pays the bills, so as soon as the balance clears you cater to him. Not sure anymore. But, this is the chick that talked about her record being empowering for women with song titles called “Freekum Dress.” My niece will not be listening to that one.

I’ve been a big fan of hers since reading about Destiny’s Child years ago in the Houston Chronicle, but I’m becoming bored with her. She never did the promised soul album. Everything she does from her adlibs down to her poses is so formulaic. She no longer shows any personality. She never has an opinion about anything. No wonder the video is so bad. It’s the perfect reflection of her right now: boring.

It’s really frustrating to see someone with so much talent and so much potential squander all of that by going back to the same old bullshit.

Please do better, Bouncy. I know you can. You have way too much talent not to.

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Doesn’t this scream artistry?

Beyonce, creative force behind such empowering female anthems like “Bootylicious” and the inspirational, self-esteem promoting mid-tempo, “Happy Face,” feels that people just aren’t giving her enough credit as an artist.

“It’s frustrating, because sometimes, when you are attractive, people don’t acknowledge that you are talented as well.””I mean, I’m a songwriter, I’m a producer, I have a strong voice, I’m a dynamic performer. Sometimes people forget that.”

Pretty people have it so hard. Believe me, I know. And honestly, sometimes, particularly for women, the public would prefer to pay more attention to their aesthetic beauty in favor of everything else. But, y’know, I’m not buying that in this instance. Beyonce, I looooove you, but if there were a “N**** please” stick, you for damn sure would need your ass smacked upside the head with it right about now.

“I woke up this morning, the sunshine was shining, I put on my happy face.”

“Dip it. Pop it. Twirk it. Stop it. Check on me tonight.”

“We like them boys up top from the BK…know how to flip that money three ways.”

Baby, you aren’t Lauryn Hill. Hell, you’re not even Mary J. Blige high with this material. You’re the first black female to win the ASCAP songwriting award and you won it for “Bootylicious” and “Independent Women Part I” where you ask folks over and over again to throw their hands up at you. Do you realllllllly want to go there?

As far as producing, you, like Missy, need to shut up. You do fantastic vocal producation and arrangements, but you’re not composing music.

You are in fact a dynamic performer, but I saw you last week: You were trippin’ with that Tina Turner meets cheerleader meets Pentacoastal service routine. You looked a lot like me after I got my ass beat for stealing chocolate from Foodarama on that floor.

And lastly, maybe people pay more attention to your beauty because you’re poppin your pussy on stage all the time. I love the way you work that imaginary pole, but you’ve proven you can work the stage without such antics – you do it to yourself.

Again, I loooooove you, but promise me one thing: You will never, never, ever ever ever ever ever do another interview like this without your publicist being on her job. I want to kick Yvette myself for letting this go down.

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I’ve never been a big fan on the use of fur for fashion, so over the years, I tried to empathize with PETA despite their being one of the more annoying activist groups out there. But over the last year I’ve noticed that while they are staunch animal rights supporters, they tend to not have that much respect for people, Black people in particular.

They had the gall to liken the treatment of animals in this country to the cruelty done to enslaved blacks. They compared animals being transported as cargo to the Atlantic Slave trade, among other flat out stupid comparisons. Once a blacklash ensued, they did apologize, however. But after reading their open letter to Jay-Z, one can’t help but think, “Choke on Bambi, bitches.”

June 30, 2006
Holla at me Jigga!
An open letter to Mr. Shawn Carter aka Jay-Z,

Allow me to reintroduce myself. My name is Ain Drew, and I run PETAWorld, the division of PETA reaching out to the hip-hop community and encouraging heads to show love for animals. Please give me a chance to set the record straight and hopefully find some common ground so we can create a dialogue on the issue of fur in hip-hop. As you know, PETA recently won an auction to dine with Beyonce Knowles, and during dinner we questioned her about the use of fur in her clothing line House of Dereon. I overheard your comments on CNN Showbiz Tonight, when you said that even though our “tactics are lacking in sensitivity,” you believe that we have “a noble and good cause.” Point taken. But what you may not realize is that we have tried over and over again to contact both Beyonce and House of Dereon about the horrible way animals are treated when killed for their fur, and we haven’t gotten so much as a hit back. We thought this might be a way to get her ear.

So how could we have done things differently? We truly want to create a dialogue within the hip-hop community on these issues, which you’ve said you think are important. You’re no stranger to controversy — PETAWorld is feeling your boycott of Cristal champagne over their disrespectful and, as you put it, racist view of our community’s use of their products. And really, that’s all we’re trying to do — call attention to something whack by stirring up a little controversy. But maybe we need some advice on how to best do that. So I’m reaching out for some assistance. The hip-hop community can’t educate itself about this issue if no one is willing to talk about it. How can we get folks to listen? How can we get someone at House of Dereon — and yeah, I’ll say it, Rocawear — to watch some footage of animals locked up for life on fur farms like unaccused inmates with no parole? If people can see that and still support it, that’s one thing — but people can’t make an educated decision if they don’t know the facts. So you tell me — what can we do to get heads talking about this issue?

Jigga — you have the floor. Hit us back.


Well, Ain, homie, I don’t recall you using this same approach with entertainers of a lighter pigmentation. The slang. The reference to imprisoned blacks. It’s just as insulting as the posted pictures above. It’s always interesting to see some whites fight for animal rights or gay rights or some other hot bed political issue, yet when it comes to black people, suddenly they lose all tact and you get to know what people are really thinking. With that being said, FUCK PETA. I really can’t waste the time of coming up with an eloquent way of saying it. Fuck them.

They make me want to eat a piece of bloody steak (and I don’t eat red meat) wearing a hat made of out squirrels, a shirt created from Papa Bear from the Three Bears, and some boxers made out of bunny just to be spiteful.

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