Why Does She Have A Record Deal?

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If you don’t know who the young women standing next to Dumb Dumb Diddy (Sorry, Aaron Hall, this name just sounds cooler that way) is (and don’t feel bad, because up until a couple of weeks ago, neither did I), her name is Cassie and her debut single, “Me & U” is currently sitting pretty at number three on the Hot 100 chart.

Flipping channels one nite I stumbled along her video. It looked like a cross between Janet’s “Pleasure Principle” and J.Lo’s “I’m Glad” with an added twist of Ashanti’s lack of rhythm and coordination. So ok, she’s not much of a dancer. What else could be driving her success?

My next guess is maybe I was too busy being dumbfounded at the notion of someone being that stiff that young to notice her insanely cleverly written track.

I know them other guts, they’ve been talking ‘bout the way I do what I do

They heard I was good, they wanna see if it’s true

They know you are the one I wanna give it to

I can see you want me, too

And now it’s Me & U

Are you wondering if a 16 year old wrote that shit, too? I sure was for a good hour. Turns this song is the brainchild (and I use that turn loosely) of self-proclaimed “Usher’s Partner in Crime” Ryan Leslie.

If those are the type of lyrics that churn out hits, I think I might take a stab at this myself.

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Baby I love you
I know you love me too

Don’t act like you didn’t just sing that to yourself. And finally, I caught her performance on TRL via Youtube and I realized just how terrible this chick is.

Rudy and Olivia from the Cosby Show both lipped better than this chick. She doesn’t even try to mask the fact she’s talentless. The sad part is the audience ate it up.

I can’t be the only one that notices how terrible she is, right?

From the Billboard review of her debut album:

Typical is lead single “Me & U,” a mellow and inescapable summer tune. Cassie masks her glaring lack of vocal range and depth by showing versatility on tracks like “What Do U Want” and second single “Long Way 2 Go,” where she playfully raps à la Nelly Furtado’s “Promiscuous,” although that style becomes annoying over time. Other lighthearted cuts such as “Kiss Me” and “Not With You” are melodic enough to atone for her vocal flaws, and throughout, the album’s whispery piano runs and simple basslines create a fresh listening experience.

Shout out to the very talented writer and personal shero of mine, Clover Hope for penning this review. It’s a very well written way of saying that chick can’t sing worth a damn, but dammit, I can’t help but sing along to this catchy bullshit.

Her review is a lot more credible than psychotic VJs likening her to the late Aaliyah.

Aaliyah? Some people are out of their rabbit ass minds. Aaliyah wasn’t the best singer, but Cassie makes her sound like Gladys Knight (or at least a Pip) and her stiff self can’t even move on beat let alone dance.

So she can’t really sing. She can’t dance. She’s cute, but not drop dead gorgeous enough to distract from her lack of talent, so why is she popular, or better yet, why did she get a record deal in the first place? I think she’s possessed by the spirit of Lumidee.

I don’t know, but I’m definitely considering writing a book about the current state of the music industry and title it, Fellatio Matters.

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