Dear Janet (Again)

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Dear Janet,

You didn’t read my letter the first time, did you? Probably tossed it to the side like one of Rebe’s telegrams asking for money. That’s cold blooded, Damita. I prayed for your ass and everything, too. Anyhow, the point of my letter this time is to have a little talk with you about your tits. Don’t flinch on me. You show them off like you’re breast feeding the world, so let’s not be coy now. Like I said, you’re sexy, you like having troll sex with Jermaine, and you’re happy to have lost those pounds. Now I know you’re going to show your body off over and over again. That’s a given. But, maybe you can, I don’t know, not show your tits so much. They get you into trouble. Haven’t you learned? I’m only speaking out of concern for your new album’s performance. I think it would be a good idea if you didn’t remind people of why the media bitch slapped you the first time, you know? Try showing your ass more. A thigh or something. At this point flashing your big toe might help fight off the lingering backlash. And while I have your attention let’s talk about a recent tidbit you revealed about your sex life (you know I really love how you find so many new topics about yourself to tell the press): “You can’t do ‘Nine Inch Nails’ everyday. You’d be bruised, cut up and a little raw.” That’s you on playing Nine Inch Nails to vamp it up in the bedroom. See, I didn’t need to know all of that. If some loud ass man screaming at you over a hard rock beat helps you get off, do your thisel, Jan. It’s sort of one of those things you just don’t share with too many people, though. I’m just saying.

Just helpful tips from a fan. Hopefully you’ll take some of them to heart, or in your case, breast. Good luck with the album…you’ll need it.

P.S. I’m watching you on the Today Show. You look fly as shit. Thanks for never bringing Khia on stage with you. 🙂

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