The Cynical Awards

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If you’re like me and Beyonce in this picture, you were bored out of your damn minds with nearly every award show this year. Here’s another edition of ‘The Cynical Awards.”

Best Advertisement for Homosexuality Award: Britney Spears’ Vagina

Saggier than the breasts of an eighty year old woman and more damaged than an Los Angeles freeway after a major earthquake, the once revered sex icon Britney Spears has definitely let herself go. Her gynecologists can’t be anymore disgusted than I am.

Click at your own risk.

Label Whore Award: Kanye West

It’s not enough that the self-professed “Louie Vuitton Don” spits rhyme after rhyme about the various designer clothes he’s accumulated over the years. To up the ante and prove to people just how oh-so-fly he is and that there is none flier, the Don himself decided to get the Fendi emblem etched into his head to match the backdrop for the event — and possibly his jacket. No word on whether or not the people over at Louie Vuitton are jealous.

Opportunistic Whore Award: Carmen Bryan

Though she claims to have began penning her book before Karrine Steffans released her New York Times best-selling (deep sigh) book, Confessions of a Video Vixen, Carmen Bryan can’t help but thank Steffans for making sordid tales of celebrity dick-sucking profitable in a new medium. Carmen’s book, It’s No Secret (clearly, Carmen) writes about fucking Jay-Z, Allen Iverson, and of course, her ‘baby daddy,’ Nas. This has led to Bryan dubbing herself, “Hip Hop’s Helen of Troy.” I personally like “Whores With Delusions of Grandeur” better, but different strokes for different folks. And before you ask, I think the men are whores, too. STDs don’t discriminate and neither do I.

Overrated Faux-Prince Music Award: Justin Timberlake

I like “Sexyback.” I enjoy the iTunes bonus track, “Boutique In Heaven.” I can tolerate “FutureSex/LoveSound” and “Until The End Of Time.” Three of the four mentioned are largely inspired by Prince, hence the mild enjoyment. I cringe whenever I hear “Chop Me Up.” The city of Houston should permanently ban Timberbitch for making reference to its beloved (by me and the other Houstonians anyway) sound of screw. I can’t remember anything else from the album, because I’ve tried to permanently block it from memory. On the first album he did a decent job of jacking Michael Jackson. On his sophomore album, he does a piss poor job of jacking Prince. I secretly hope Prince puts on his purple stilettos and gives Justin a swift kick to the balls. Prince says “Sexy never left.” Too bad originality has.

Best Transformation: Boyz II Men

Thanks to Uncle Ben, Aunt Jemima, the good people at Golden Corral, and trans fat, Boyz II Men has done what no other male R&B group has done: they’ve transformed into a completely different group. Meet the new O’Jays, folks. If they got “On Bended Knee,” do you think they’d be able to get back up?

Most Likely To Be Invited to the Next Edition of “Celebrity Fit Club:” The dude from Webster

It looks like Emmanuel Lewis has been sucking up whatever small bit of food Boyz II Men left on their plates. He looks like Bonecrusher’s Mini-Me.

Trillest Mama: Scrappy’s Mama

Last year I asked my mom if she wanted to go to TV Johnny’s and get matching grills. She told me no. This Thanksgiving, I told her about the 2-for-1 sale TV Johnny had going this year. Again she told me no. When I ask again (and I will), I can say, “Lil Scrappy’s mama would do it!”

Congrats, You’re Not Dead: Group of R&B Male Singers the 80s Threw Up

From the new jack swing era to now, it’s like nite and day. *mumbling mumbling ‘how I feel about you”* They look horrible, but hey they’re all alive (despite looking half dead).

Hammer Pants Award: Ciara

Like Waldo, I always wondered what Hammer did to those hideous, oversized, garbage bag-like pants. I see Ciara’s people scooped them up at Hammer’s third bankruptcy sale.

Swagger Jacker Award: Ciara.

She’s got Janet Jackson’s old choreographer, Aaliyah’s old weave, poses, and style, and Wanda Sykes’ face. When it comes to swagger jacking, no one is topping Ciara this year.

The A Lot on Her Mind Award: Rhianna

The size of her forehead makes me think she’s thinking about her problems, my problems, your problems, and the problems of people not even born yet. With a head that size I’m guessing her SAT scores are pretty high.

I’m Smart Enough To Cover My Dome With Bangs Award: LeToya Luckett

Hiram Clarke’s own ex-Destiny’s Child backup singer turned legitimate solo star LeToya Luckett preserves her sexy by making sure she hides her forehead from the eyes of the public at all costs. Rhianna, while you’re busy digging through Beyonce’s trash to learn about her as much as possible, take a lesson from one of Beyonce’s old bandmates.

You’re Probably Going to Hell Award: The Creators of This Shirt

I was almost certain I would have to give this award to myself, but in the bottom ninth some fool created this shirt. Blasphemous, but what do you expect from a man who calls himself “Hova.” Thanks for taking the heat off me.

You Can’t Fake Being Inebriated On Stage Very Well: Fergie

I don’t know what she’s on, but it looks painful. Like a walking advertisement for sobriety. So delicious.

Sexy No Matter What: Beyonce

Only Beyonce could look this good with that much hair under her lip.

Now if anyone wants to book me to host an award show next year, I’m available. I mean, I don’t have shit else to do.

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