Monica Wants To Hear Your Ho Story


Are you a ho? Do you mess around with them? Do you have a ho on the sideline? Are you a sideline ho yourself (nasty ass!)? If so, Monica wants to her your tale. Clearly desperate for attention, Monica is launching what is arguably one of the tackiest campaigns to push a single in recent memory.

What’s the prize for the fan with the best ho story? Why a trip to the Soul Train Awards, of course! What other crowd would be more accepting ? No word on whether the winner also receives a complimentary bottle of Hennessy (they’ve upped her budget) and a three piece dinner from Church’s.

To those of you considering entering this moral-boosting competition, be forewarned: “3. UPLOAD video (We approve all videos – so no R-rated confessions)”

Yes, there will be no naughty confessions on Youtube, you hear! The people at Youtube are feriously hard at work to preserve the sanctity of a song entitled “Sideline Ho.”

Also, make sure you go out and cop Monica’s latest mixtape.

And Jesus wept. Actually, I’m doubting that. He’s probably laughing at Monica’s ass like everyone else.

Spotted @ C & D.

I Want An Oscar, Too!


Spending the entire day to prep for an uber-formal award show to receive the highly-coveted award for Best Actress and what is the first thing you go and do once the show is a wrap? Stuff your face with something actresses decades your junior would only eat if they were in the close proximity of a toilet bowl? Now that is class and if I didn’t like Helen Mirren before, I love her now!

In any event, I’m not doing a full recap of the Oscars. This is the first time I’ve ever watched this show in its entirety. I did not fall asleep. As braggadocios as this may seem, I am incredibly proud of myself for that alone, so I needn’t give anything else.

I keed.

Here are some of my favorite moments from the real show (according to E! anyway): the red carpet.

In accepting her award, Jennifer Hudson told the audience, “Look what God can do.” I’d like to point out what Hanna-Barbara, Oscar de la Renta, and a queen with major fashion faux pas on the brain can do.

I don’t know whether I want to ask Jennifer where’s Elroy Jetson or to heat up my Hotpocket.

I really like Anika Noni Rose. She’s so bubbly, cute, and short. Minus the ones that suffer from Napoleon complex, I love short people. However, I can’t help but notice that Anika looks like she ought to be spending the nite in a club spinning atop the ceiling as Rick James explodes from the speakers. But, she’s short and adorable, so, eh, turn up “Superfreak.”


No, she is not whispering in her ear, “I’ll trade you Kelly for one night with the Oscar.” I don’t know why it’s so hard to believe that Beyonce is genuinely happy for someone else. Of course, she likely is just a tid bit salty that she missed out on a Vogue cover and Academy Award, but I’m inclined to think she’ll still go on to have the better career — and that includes film.

Yeah, I said it.

That’s probably what they’re laughing about, too.


I just wanted to show another picture of Beyonce. I think she looks amazing in that dress. H-Town, Stay Down.

Finally, congrats to Jennifer and Forrest! The industry may not be changing overnight, but baby steps have been made. Don’t believe me? Forrest thanked his wife, Keisha! An Academy Award winning actor has a wife named Keisha! A normal name (well to me anyway)! Now tell me that ain’t progress!

How great was it to see so many black actors nominated for Academy Awards? How great is it to see some actually win?

Memo to Jesse: While I agree with you that there needs to be more black representation in Hollywood, we need to raise our standards. Two Can Play That Came, Norbit, and ATL aren’t going to wow the Academy.

She Dances The Way She Drives

I saw this posted on a message board. I forgot all about this concert. For all of you Brandy fans, sit back and reminisce about a time when Brandy was remembered for more than being a judge on an American Idol knockoff show with a poor driving record. Brandy doesn’t have a braid’s worth of rhythm in her, but before she became the poster child for driver’s education, she was a force to be reckoned with in the 90s. Enjoy it while you can: I’m sure Youtube will have it taken down within 48 hours.

Dreamgirls Make Black History


When I first heard the rumor that Jennifer Hudson would be gracing the cover of Vogue, my initial reaction was, “Negro, grow up.” When I saw the March issue of Vogue and saw Jennifer Hudson on the cover, I headed over to Google to find out if Anna Wintour died. I am not a Vogue aficionado, but I do know Anna Wintour hasn’t placed many black women on the cover, let alone anyone of Jennifer Hudson’s size. I remember hearing that even the Goddess of Media herself, Oprah Winfrey, was forced by Wintour to lose a substantial amount of weight before she could appear on the cover. So, although Jennifer Hudson is purposely placed in a position to mask her atypical(to the fashion world anyway…everyone else eats) figure, it’s still quite a feat for all of Hudson to appear on cover. Apparently, Hudson is the first black female in over twenty years to appear on the uber important March issue (I love the internet for explaining why this is such a big deal as I am someone without a clue), and one of only a handful of black women who have been allowed to serve the fashion bible with a well needed dose of melanin.

Hudson has been enjoying a publicity blitz that includes the covers of Essence and Giant magazines, as well as a bevy of praise in the media for what seemingly seems to be an Oscar-winning performance of fallen Dreamgirl, Effie White.

But for Hudson to grace the cover of Vogue is quite the coo. Undoubtedly, it’s something co-star Beyonce Knowles has lobbied to get, but unfortunately, the editor-in-chief is thinking more Heavy, Heavy this go ’round.

Me thinks Beyonce and the original and very much embittered Effie, Jennifer Holliday, are somewhere co-writing a suicide note.


But alas, Beyonce wouldn’t be Beyonce if she didn’t try to find a way to steal some spotlight a way from the next chick. Beyonce is the second black female and the first non-athlete or model to appear on the coveted swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated. It’s no Vogue, but for the Popeyes-munching beauty, it’s still a worthy of mention accomplishment.

However, once you take a look at this video posted on SI.com, you get the sense that this is nothing more than another opportunity for Beyonce to sell us something else — namely her repackaged B’Day album and her mother’s latest venture in tackying up the world: a House of Dereon swimsuit line. The seas haven’t seen anything this frightening since Jaws.

The 2007 Grammy Awards: In Cynical Form


The 49th annual Grammy Awards were held last night, and there’s no other way to sum up the show than by saying this: It encouraged illegal downloading.

I have been quickly reminded by my friends that the show was much better than last year’s. That’s not saying much, though, since I can’t remember one thing from the 2006 Grammys. Can you?

In any event, some of the lowlights include Beyonce’s underwhelming performance of her anti-”And I Am Telling You” song from Dreamgirls, “Listen.” I have never seen Beyonce that boring. Robot she may be, but the robot is always on come performance time. However, last night, ‘Yonce’s voice sounded flat and exhausted, she appeared stiff, and she was dressed like an extra from The Little Mermaid. Jennifer Hudson must have kidnapped Sasha.

Another performance of poor note is the tribute to R&B which featured three generations of R&B male crooners – including legendary songwriters and vocalists Smokey Robinson and Lionel Richie, along with the representative of the new generation, Usher 2.0 and tallest dancer in the world himself, Chris Brown.

The performance seemed like a visual presentation of the decline of R&B. Smokey The Green Eyed Monster began the tribute by singing his classic song with the Miracles, “The Tracks of My Tears.” Nicole Richie’s pops followed with a performance of his own classic, “Hello.”

And then came Chris.

For a minute, I thought someone slipped in a bootleg copy of Stomp The Yard into my DVD player, because Chris started stepping as if they were at his probate. Chris then proceeded to dance, do various backflips, jump and down, dance some more, and just incase we weren’t convinced that he tall do people do indeed have rhythm, danced again. I believe he was performing his hit, “Run It,” but he didn’t actually sing much of it. Thank God for backing tracks!

Mary was Mary. The Police’s performance was rather short, and with all due respect to my elders, forgettable.

Shakira performed “Hips Don’t Lie” — again. Hips may not lie, but I see they damn sure never shut up.

Justin pretended to be Elton John…again. As for that random close up towards the end of his performance of “What Goes Around,” I never want to see him that close again. Someone please break the camera he has attached to his piano. I was starting to think I was Cameron Diaz.

One of the biggest disappointing performances of the night belonged to a surprisingly subdued Red Hot Chilli Peppers. Sobriety and age have turned them into walking ads for Tylenol PM. Oh yeah, when did Will Ferrell start playing with the Chilli Peppers?

Ok, I know, you’re thinking, “Where’s the positivity on a blog called The Cynical Ones?”

Never fear, it’s coming.

Ten minutes later


Got it! Christina Aguilera! Minus that odd , dying cat-like note towards the end, I think “Miss I Can Sing, I Can Sing, Don’t Look at Britney, Look At Me, I’m Dirrty and I Can Sing” did a good job of covering the inspiration behind Alicia Keys’ first hit song, “Fallin’” (Yeah I’m saying it: Alicia is a biter and a thief!), James Brown’s notorious, “This Is A Man’s World.”

Of course, not everyone seems to agree about Christina’s performance. Granted, she oversang the song as usual, but with so many people undersinging, me thinks we ought to be happy with what we get.

Now, on to the real story of the night:


Ike Turner was awarded his first Grammy in 35 years. On winning his award, Ike said, “I’m scared to death.” Ike was probably afraid he’d get busted after the show by the po-pos, or someone possibly going upside his head for a change. In any event, he’s a pioneer in music, and it’s nice to be reminded when people you haven’t heard from in forever are still alive.

Somewhere Anna Mae Bullock is fuming.

I Can Tell Who Didn’t Go To/Finish College

I think it’s wrong to generalize. It’s not right to lump an entire group into some monolith just because a few of them fall in line with some stereotypical view you hold.

With that being said, a lot of NBA players are fucking idiots.

Since it’s been revealed that former NBC center John Amaechi (yeah, I haven’t a clue as to who he is either) is gay and plans on writing a book about his experiences as a closeted gay man and professional athlete (or bench warmer, take your pick), a lot of people have been commenting on the newest member of the openly gay male professional athletes club.

I’m assuming this club has only about three and a half members. I say half, because I wouldn’t be shocked if one of them is still holding out and claiming to be bisexual.

In any event, of those who have commented on Amaechi’s (yeah, I still don’t know who this guy is) disclosure, most of have been waiting on word from other players in the league.

LeBron James, however, said he didn’t think an openly gay person could survive in the league.

“With teammates you have to be trustworthy, and if you’re gay and you’re not admitting that you are, then you are not trustworthy,” James said. “So that’s like the No. 1 thing as teammates — we all trust each other. You’ve heard of the in-room, locker room code. What happens in the locker room stays in there. It’s a trust factor, honestly. A big trust factor.”

I appreciate LeBron’s honesty. Not everyone that tall reveals how short their length of thinking is. I don’t see the correlation between discussing who you choose to lay down with and who you pass the ball to on the court.

I get the point LeBron is trying to make, but one has to consider the amount of pressure an openly gay male athlete would have to deal with in a locker room setting. People harbor many prejudices and they’re exuded in each asinine comment they make, creating a hostile environment for any man that chooses to make his sexual orientation public.

Injured Philadelphia Sixers forward Shavlik Randolph acknowledged it’s a new situation.

“As long as you don’t bring your gayness on me I’m fine, Randolph said. “As far as business-wise, I’m sure I could play with him. But I think it would create a little awkwardness in the locker room.”

And Sixer center Steven Hunter:

Even so, Hunter said he would be fine with an openly gay teammate.

“As long as he don’t make any advances toward me I’m fine with it,” he said. “As long as he came to play basketball like a man and conducted himself like a good person, I’d be fine with it.”

Asinine comments like these, for example. Count all of the stereotypes. The notion that every gay man wants to “turn out” every heterosexual male in a five mile radius. The idea that every gay man is effeminate. And my personal favorite, the stigma of being a deviant attached to every admitted homosexual.

I can see why someone I’ve never heard of is the first openly gay NBA player.

Could someone please enlighten these millionaires on this missed tidbit of information: You can’t catch the gay!

Not every man (or woman for that matter) wants you, nor does every gay man secretly long to participate in the Vagina Monologues.

As for that “good person” comment, since when is the NBA known for holding high moral standards for its players?

To be fair:

Orlando’s Grant Hill, who said he didn’t know Amaechi when he was with the Magic, also applauded the decision to go public.

“The fact that John has done this, maybe it will give others the comfort or confidence to come out as well, whether they are playing or retiring,” Hill said.

If we had more players in the league like Grant (but not get constantly injured, of course), perhaps more players with names we actually recognize would be open about who they are. Until then, I see the themes of denial and ignorance surrounding this issue.

NBA commissioner David Stern said a player’s sexuality wasn’t important.

“We have a very diverse league. The question at the NBA is always ’Have you got game?’ That’s it, end of inquiry,” he said.

Who actually believes this? If you do, let me grab a marker and scribble 500 on a big rock and sell you a Mercedes.

Ted Haggard: No Homo


Remember Ted Haggard, the former President of the National Association of Evangelicals and the former presiding pastor of the 14,000 member New Life Church in Colorado Springs? He’s the one that got his ass tossed from both positions last year after it was revealed that Pastor Teddy enjoys getting his ass tossed by a male prostitute. That and the good reverend admitted to regularly purchasing crystal meth from his “special friend.”

Word has come out from one of the four pastors “treating him” that he’s “completely heterosexual.”

Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told the Denver Post on Tuesday that, “He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

I see. He was only a little gay. Only a tiny bit, not nearly enough to warrant the complete homosexual label. Ted was just a hom, if nothing else.

On Sunday, Haggard emailed his congregation. You can read the complete email here.

Highlights from the letter include:

Jesus is starting to put me back together. I have spent so much time in repentance, brokenness, hurt and sorrow for the things I’ve done and the negative impact my actions have had on others. That sadness continues as my family and I, along with so many others, go through the painful consequences of my actions. Jesus and his followers, though, have saved my life. As part of New Life’s efforts to help me, they sent Gayle and me to Phoenix for a three-week psychological intensive that gave us three years worth of analysis and treatment. We all wanted to know why I developed such incongruity in my life.

So a man obviously gay turns his life over to his religion thinking that will suppress his natural urges. It turns out it doesn’t, so he then turns to a male prostitute that sells him drugs that help him forget about the pain spawned from the self-hatred he bears. The male prostitute also provides him with the means and the hole to temporarily give into “temptation” i.e. his natural sexual urges. Once it’s discovered what a hole he’s dug himself in, instead of owning up to the truth that he is a gay man, he instead opts for a new method of brainwashing via a stay in an intensive psychiatric center that could probably make a hairy 300-pound man believe he is Beyonce if that lie is drilled into his head long enough.

We haven’t decided where we are moving but so far have been offered two places, one in Iowa and one in Missouri. We are both planning on getting our masters in Psychology so we can work together serving others the rest of our lives.

Instead of truly forgiving you for your deceitful ways, these pseudo-sympathizers instead cast you off to some other state, as you’re a reminder of their own hypocrisies. Never mind the opportunity to serve as a true example of the power of forgiveness, and add credence to your own religious dogma that argues God is forgiving and loves all of his creations. You instead would rather misinterpret Jesus’ notion of turning the other cheek and send him a way, for the sole purpose of maintaining an image that leads people like Ted Haggard to go on crystal meth and have sex with prostitutes to begin with.

And Jesus wept.

But as God and people like you forgive me, the sun is starting to rise in my life. I look forward to communicating with greater ease.

Not to mention masturbating in the privacy of your own home to some man you have a secret relationship with on the internet.

Alls well that ends well.

Wouldn’t Just Be Easier To Bring Back PE Classes?


Children are more overweight than ever, and what do we plan to do about it? Encourage overweight kids to be more active? Start monitoring what our children eat, so that we can steer them away from fatty foods in favor of a healthier, well balanced diet?

Yeah, maybe in Europe, clown.

What’s the plan then? Gastric bypass surgeries for kids, of course!

According to this AP article, a group of four hospitals, led by Cincinnati Children’s Hospital Medical Center, are beginning a study in the spring examining how children respond to various types of weight-loss surgery, including gastric bypass.

In some instances, like adults, I can see why the surgery is necessary. But, at the same time, altering the digestive system for children not even fully developed seems sort of, I don’t know, like a bad idea. You should be old enough to drive before someone shrinks your stomach and places a band around it.

Look what someone had to say about the many adults currently flocking to doctors to get gastric bypass surgery:

“When we ask them, ‘What have you done so far to lose weight?’ The patients say, ‘Nothing,’” Wadden said. “They’re going right to a $25,000 operation for which they are ill-prepared.”

That’s exactly what bothers me about this surgery. Again, for some people it is a last resort in saving their lives. For others, it’s a quick fix that’s not really a fix at all.

Carnie Wilson, someone that brought the procedure into national spotlight years ago, was just featured in Vh1′s Celebrity Fit Club. Why? Because, Carnie, like many people who get the surgery, aren’t changing their lifestyles, so they are bound to gain that weight back.

I’ve seen people get the surgery, lose the weight, only to gain it back in just a few short years. They don’t want to change their poor eating habits. They don’t want to exercise. They instead, carry on like they didn’t just spend tens of thousands of dollars trying to fix a problem they created themselves.

It’s no shocker why less than five percent of people who get the operation maintain adequate weight loss over a five year period.

I used to be overweight when I was younger, but for all of the weight that I didn’t lose simply from getting taller I had to work at losing. I gave up red meat. I stopped eating pork. And even now, I’m still trying to eat healthier and be more active.

I don’t want to be cynical with diabetes.

It would be tragic, he said, to see the same phenomenon repeated among children.

Call it a hunch, but I see history repeating itself.

This article makes me want to take another stab at eating those nasty green vegetables that I’ve been avoiding in the freezer.

Sausage, Egg, & Death with Cheese?

Would you like to make this order a combo?

If Supersize Me couldn’t get you to stop eating at McDonalds (It didn’t stop me. I’m broke and nuggets are good and cheap), maybe this will.

A Florida woman claims she found a razor blade in her sausage, egg, and cheese Mcmuffin.

Do you see why I stopped eating pork?

The manager of the store told the po po’s that the employees do use razor blades, though they’re unsure if the blade found in the woman’s sandwich is the same type of blade they use.

Call it a hunch, but I’m going to assume that it’s very likely that it is, unless one of the employees who keeps a razor blade under her tongue as a security coughed and her blade fell right over the melting cheese.

Restaurant owner Cynthia Kennedy said in a statement that the public should be wary of making assumptions about the incident.

“Absolutely nothing is more important to me than operating safe restaurants. We take great pride in the food we serve our customers and set rigorous standards for food and restaurant safety,” Kennedy said. “We strongly caution anyone from jumping to conclusions without having all the facts.”

You tell them, Cynthia. Ya’ll don’t know nothing about nothing. That could have been anyone’s razor blade.

Sheriff’s Sgt. Mike Kenyan said he found a razor blade in the manager’s desk that resembled the one found in Bovey’s sandwich.

Damn, homie.

I’m sure somewhere Cynthia is telling her attorney’s, “That razor blade was probably planted there. It’s a conspiracy!”

The woman says she feels like she slightly cut her lip and was talking to attorneys.

Forget slightly cutting my lip. I’d say I can barely use my tongue to order onion rings from Burger King.

Bring on the lawsuit and all the free hookups on supersized fries and extra nuggets you can offer.

So, is this going to stop you from ordering the six piece nugget on the dollar menu for fears that you’ll find a spare bullet mixed in your sweet and sour sauce?

Don’t lie. You’ll still be going.