Ted Haggard: No Homo

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Remember Ted Haggard, the former President of the National Association of Evangelicals and the former presiding pastor of the 14,000 member New Life Church in Colorado Springs? He’s the one that got his ass tossed from both positions last year after it was revealed that Pastor Teddy enjoys getting his ass tossed by a male prostitute. That and the good reverend admitted to regularly purchasing crystal meth from his “special friend.”

Word has come out from one of the four pastors “treating him” that he’s “completely heterosexual.”

Rev. Tim Ralph of Larkspur told the Denver Post on Tuesday that, “He is completely heterosexual,” Ralph said. “That is something he discovered. It was the acting-out situations where things took place. It wasn’t a constant thing.”

I see. He was only a little gay. Only a tiny bit, not nearly enough to warrant the complete homosexual label. Ted was just a hom, if nothing else.

On Sunday, Haggard emailed his congregation. You can read the complete email here.

Highlights from the letter include:

Jesus is starting to put me back together. I have spent so much time in repentance, brokenness, hurt and sorrow for the things I’ve done and the negative impact my actions have had on others. That sadness continues as my family and I, along with so many others, go through the painful consequences of my actions. Jesus and his followers, though, have saved my life. As part of New Life’s efforts to help me, they sent Gayle and me to Phoenix for a three-week psychological intensive that gave us three years worth of analysis and treatment. We all wanted to know why I developed such incongruity in my life.

So a man obviously gay turns his life over to his religion thinking that will suppress his natural urges. It turns out it doesn’t, so he then turns to a male prostitute that sells him drugs that help him forget about the pain spawned from the self-hatred he bears. The male prostitute also provides him with the means and the hole to temporarily give into “temptation” i.e. his natural sexual urges. Once it’s discovered what a hole he’s dug himself in, instead of owning up to the truth that he is a gay man, he instead opts for a new method of brainwashing via a stay in an intensive psychiatric center that could probably make a hairy 300-pound man believe he is Beyonce if that lie is drilled into his head long enough.

We haven’t decided where we are moving but so far have been offered two places, one in Iowa and one in Missouri. We are both planning on getting our masters in Psychology so we can work together serving others the rest of our lives.

Instead of truly forgiving you for your deceitful ways, these pseudo-sympathizers instead cast you off to some other state, as you’re a reminder of their own hypocrisies. Never mind the opportunity to serve as a true example of the power of forgiveness, and add credence to your own religious dogma that argues God is forgiving and loves all of his creations. You instead would rather misinterpret Jesus’ notion of turning the other cheek and send him a way, for the sole purpose of maintaining an image that leads people like Ted Haggard to go on crystal meth and have sex with prostitutes to begin with.

And Jesus wept.

But as God and people like you forgive me, the sun is starting to rise in my life. I look forward to communicating with greater ease.

Not to mention masturbating in the privacy of your own home to some man you have a secret relationship with on the internet.

Alls well that ends well.

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