Rihanna: Vocal Murdererererererere

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There are some things in life that are unforgivable. Things like being consistently dishonest, talking about my mama, or voting for anyone with the last name Bush will lead me to permanently seeing you in a negative light. Still, there is a far worse grievance than the aforementioned. An act so heinous that the mere thought over the vile deed and the person who performed it will leave you with such an utter disgust that it will eat away at your soul— and ear drums! This act is performing a classic Mariah Carey ballad when you know damn well that your ass cannot sing!

Yes, Rihanna, this means you! There is something about this Beyonce swagger-jacker that grates my nerves. I admit, I danced to “Pon De Replay” on the A train in summer ’05, and I found “S.O.S. (Rescue Me)” to be surprisingly catchy and addictive. But, once I began to notice that she took herself seriously as a vocalist, I began to question her sanity.

I will give her one thing: She’s making an effort to learn.

Rihanna on working with Ne-Yo: “I’ve never had vocal training, so when I’m in the studio, he’ll tell me how to breathe and stuff. And I’m like, ‘What?’ Like he’ll call out these big fancy words: ‘OK, I want you to do staccato.’ And I’m like, ‘OK, I don’t know what that is.’ “

You don’t say. While I applaud her efforts to improve, there’s this certain little thing called talent. You either have it or you don’t. Vocally, Rihanna doesn’t have it, and not even Pro Tools can save you.

I’ve watched her performed “Unfaithful” many times: She sounds exactly like the track; I grew a sudden appreciation for sign language soon after.

This is video of Rihanna performing Mariah’s classic ballad, “Hero.”

It’s a then 16 Rihanna performing at an area talent show. I’m assuming that there’s a built in applause machine on the set, because in no way can anyone applaud her pain-inducing spin on this song with sound judgment.

“Enjoy” the video. I’m sure pre-Emancipation would’ve kicked her in the throat for this cover. Check out the “note” she hits towards the end of her performance.

She really tried, bless her heart.

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