What Do They Want? To Rule The World!

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I think Splinter – a rat the size of three Nicole Richie’s – freely roaming the streets and sewers of New York was a sign of what lied ahead for major cities everywhere.

I hate vermin. To me, the world would be a better place if we offed Mighty Mouse to show his fellow vermin brethren that we mean business. Now, they’re looking at us dead in the face and yelling, “Move Bitch” as if they were in the studio the day Ludacris recorded that now infamous southern anthem.

I’m sure they probably were in the studio, throwing bows with them best of them.

Unfortunately, I’ve had many experiences with mice and rats. I remember seeing my first steroid-abusing rat in D.C. my freshman year of college. Obviously in a hurry to pick up his dry cleaning before the cleaners closed, this huge rat zoomed down the sidewalk in Downtown D.C. My reaction? “Did that squirrel eat his little brother?

Then there was my first time in Brooklyn, near Fulton Street, around the apartment buildings by LIU Brooklyn. I saw a rat jump on top of a car and climb over the roof of it. Then I saw a pack of rats congregating behind a dumpster looking at me like I had better keep walking. No worries. I did.

A year later in the same area I saw a bunch of kids chasing down this huge rat and I swear the rat faked them out. He leaped down into the sewer, and a couple of moments after the kids left Big Foot leaped back on the street and continued on its way.

I’ve also seen rats stand behind a people’s feet in broad daylight in the city.

As for my own personal bouts with Speedy Gonzalez, let me just say I can no longer wear Air Force One’s because of them. Yes, I’ve had to kill two mice with my shoe. I am petrified of rats, but there was a time when I lived in a mice-ridden place (no fault of mine, by the way) and a shoebox of a room where they eventually found me making an attempt to jack me for change and a piece of a chicken.

In that same house I once saw a rat, and I swear, I thought it was humming “Knuck If You Buck.” It only took me a second to fly up stairs and pack as if my government name was Clark Kent.

Now, I’m even more afraid, because they keep following me. No worries, though: They’re following ya’ll, too.

There was the rat-infested KFC/Taco Bell located in Greenwich Village that I’ve eaten at. Click here to watch these big disgusting creatures roam around the restaurant freely as if they’re about to place their order. This restaurant passed inspection one-day prior to being outed as the nouveau Mickey’s clubhouse.

Just this morning, I read about a slew of D.C. area restaurants being forced to close after Inside Edition exposed several places, including the Johnny Rockets in Georgetown – another place I’ve eaten at – for having rats visibly dancing to Unk’s “2 Step” during operations.

It seems other restaurants in Dupont Circle and Adams Morgan also have little Fievel’s and Pinky’s running rampant. With my luck, it was the Japanese restaurant in Dupont that I once ate at, and the sushi place in Adams Morgan with the decent happy hour.

For you D.C.-area Popeye’s enthusiasts, make note that on 14th street, as the cashier hands you the grape jelly for your biscuit, Chip and Dale is right on the counter ready to snatch it back from you.

A North Dallas shopping center is experiencing an invasion of rats that was once envisioned by the Brain on one of my favorite cartoon shows.

An owner of a New York Burger King is suing his landlord because his store has allegedly also been attacked by rats after the closing of a Chinese restaurant in the same building.

Of course, you’ve read about the mice and rats attacking babies in their sleep.

I write all of this to say they are slowly but surely becoming a bigger threat to your safety than the terrorist Bush never shuts up about. I just pray none of them is online reading this blog and decides to come over my place to have a knife fight.

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