Do I Have To Bring Singles To Stand Under Her Umbrellllllla?

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Def Jam’s latest and greatest pop star in a can, Rihanna, is set to release her third album in two years on June 05th. The album is entitled Good Girl Gone Bad, a very transparent move on Def Jam’s part to sex up Rihanna’s image even more in an effort (a desperate one) to push more units.

On the album, Rihanna says, “I have broken out of my shell, I have come into my own.”

She goes on to add: “I am singing about a lot more serious things, a lot sexier things at times. I have changed my image, the whole sound is about me not being the little innocent Rihanna and taking more risks.”

Isn’t it always interesting to see women equate overt sexuality with maturation and femininity? I’m wondering where they would get an idea like that from? I’m guessing from someone that has to stand up to take a piss.

I’m a bit confused by her comments, though: Since when hasn’t Rihanna been selling sex? Most of her performance shots are of her bent over, or ones such as those below, where’s given audience her best Beyonce impersonation in panties.

Here are some lyrics from her song, “Let Me,” from her debut album, Music of the Sun:

So let me come and get ya right
Boy let me fill your appetite
Won’t you let me know what it is you like
And I’ll do those sexy things for you
I’ll let you call me beautiful
Let me give it to you once you gon want some more
Boy let me, let me, let me
Let me do those things for you

I’m walkin over to you meet me by the door
I’m the girl in the 7 inch heel

I can’t believe I forgot how much sweet and innocent young women love wearing 7 inch heels and singing boastful odes to their sexual prowess. And we all know that “S.O.S. (Rescue Me)” became the new anthem for chastity-belt wearers everywhere.

I suppose ‘taking more risks” reads a lot better to audiences then, “I need to move way more units so Def Jam can recoup all of the money they’ve spent on me so I can keep my green card.”

However, I still feel like if Rihanna were to spread her legs any further, I might be able to spot out her tampon.

I will say one thing: As much as I’ve tried to fight off temptation, I caved in and warmed to her new single, “Umbrella.” Her ridiculous pronunciation of the word has been stuck in my head for weeks — ella, ella, ella, eh, eh, eh.

I wonder how long before her handlers have her toss her umbrella to the side, thinking an instant wet t-shirt contest will move the song up ten spots on the Hot 100.

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