The Ill Lockdown

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Foxy Brown’s dreams have finally come to fruition: she has officially become Lil Kim.

After leaving New York twice without informing the court or the probation department, changing her address from Brooklyn to Mahwah, N.J. without permission, failure to tell the court of seven traffic summonses in New Jersey, forgoing attendance at anger management classes, and busting a neighbor upside the head with her cell phone, Judge Melissa Jackson has sentenced Inga Marchand to a year at Rikers Island.

Foxy, who has been promising us a new album for several years now, decided to go the demure route this time for her court appearance, dressing in what has been described by the Associated Press as an “elegant gray pantsuit.”

Begging and pleading for another chance at freedom, Foxy told the judge prison isn’t where she wants to be, and that she now realizes the error of her ways, and is willing to do whatever it takes to change. She said she’s been humbled.

“I’m not going to give you any more chances,” the judge told Brown. “I hope you turn your life around and never again have to stand in a court of law.”

Jackson replied, “Ms. Marchand, it’s too little, too late. I’m glad you’re learning something; that’s a positive.” TMZ also reports that the judged called her a great actress.

Ouch. Sounds like someone’s been listening to “Tambourine.”

I’ve always liked Foxy as a rapper, but over the years, her nonsensical rants, delusions of grandeur, and reported Korean-attacking antics make it hard to be sympathetic. I can’t feel bad for you going around acting as if you’ve had a hit within the last two years. Hell four.

I only worry about her because she’s pregnant, and I hate the idea of anyone having their child in prison.

Then there’s the issue of Lindsay, Paris, and Nicole all getting off. If Foxy wanted to act the fool and get away with it, she should have moved to California. On second thought, I’d rather they all be cellmates.

Ahh well. Maybe Foxy will finally learn that “Hot Spot” can only get you so far and that you don’t steal clothes, attack nail technicians, or impersonate Naomi Campbell. If we’re lucky, maybe someone at Rikers will hip her to a new lipstick color. Foxy’s lips have been looking like Barney for as long as I can remember.

Someone let me know when those “Free Foxy Brown” shirts are printed.

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