Go For Gold

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Why give gold stars when you can give gold teeth? That’s the rationale Kevin Stokes used when trying to decide on how to reward his fifth grade son, Vincent Holloway, for getting good grades in school.

Holloman’s father says he rewarded his son for his studious qualities by buying him gold grills. “So I said, ‘I am going to get you some gold teeth,'” said Kevin Stokes, the boy’s father.

For a good report card he got $500 gold crowns. If you’re wondering, they’re bottoms, not fronts. He’ll probably have to make straight As consecutively to get fronts. You have to work your way up for those, y’know.

A guidance counselor – possibly jealous – confronted young Vincent and demanded to know if the grills on his teeth were real. Wow, did she really tried to play that kid? I can see her in class now.

Counselor: “I know damn well you didn’t sell enough cookies to buy real gold.”


“Your daddy still owes me $6 for paying your way for the field trip, so how is he going to buy you some gold teeth?”

Haters will hate.

“She got a napkin and put it in my mouth and was yanking, yanking and turning it and turned my teeth,” explained Holloman.

No she didn’t. She’s since been reassigned pending an investigation. Let’s hope none of those kids have diamonds in their mouth.

After the incident, Holloman reported to Broward General Medical Center to seek treatment for his aching gums. “You can’t just yank them out, you need to go to a dentist to have them removed out,” said the boy’s father.

Poor kid. He’s a victim of his father’s ignorance and a victim of his guidance’s counselor disdain for grills.

According to the Broward County Schools’ Code of Conduct, they do not ban decorative dental work, but, according to a school spokesman, the principal has the discretion to do so if clothing, jewelry or any other item is a distraction to the school’s environment.

I don’t get it. It’s Florida. How distracting can it really be?

Rewarding someone for good grades with gold teeth is like rewarding someone that saved their virginity for marriage with herpes: now that you’ve got it, no one wants you be it in their beds or place of employment.

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