Though I’ve done it in the past, I’ve shied away from divulging intricate details of my personal life. For one, you probably don’t care, and two, I’m pretty private, so I’m usually saying everything pretty vaguely anyway.
This, however, is something I don’t mind sharing.
The beautiful woman in the picture is my grandmother, who passed away on October 20. Or as my mother wrote on her calendar, went home to God. Every time I read that, it makes me sad. Not because God took her home, it’s just the way in which she was delivered.
She died painfully, and I don’t think I will ever get over the fact that I had to wear gloves the last time I held her hand. Why? Well, doctors still can’t exactly pinpoint what she had, but let me just say, my disdain for chemical plants has increased.
She died one day removed from what would have been six months to the day her husband and my grandfather died.
I intended to post on my accomplishment – graduating from Howard University – back in May, but my heart wasn’t in it given he died two weeks before I graduated. I left my graduation invitation in his casket, and I saw him two months prior, and I had an idea it was happening, but y’know, it’s different when it finally does. I knew he was proud of me. I guess that’s all that matters.
He died quietly, a luxury not afforded to his lovely bride. She couldn’t speak for months, for the most part, but I could look in her eyes and see nothing but despair and pain. It’s a sight I will never forget. I also won’t forget how she looked: Nothing like the funny, confident, beautiful woman I had come to know and love. Her casket had to be closed because of that.
I guess what bothers me even more is, like my grandfather, I wasn’t there to give a formal goodbye. Formalities are important to me. It may not be everyone’s thing, but I like to do things in my own way. I guess most people don’t get the opportunity to say goodbye the way they would like to, though.
Anyway, I was in D.C., enjoying then not enjoying my first homecoming as a Howard alumnus. She died that Saturday, and I hate that I didn’t get insurance on anything I booked, because I should have canceled everything and stayed home. I didn’t even have fun the day she died because of that news and other reasons.
Though I’m sure it doesn’t bother her that I was away, it bothers me because I had been trying to see her before she passed. I knew what was coming, but I wanted at least one more opportunity to hold her hand, look her in her eye, tell her that I loved her, and that she was [still] the most beautiful girl in the room.
Between that, and other things going on, I’ve had better days. I’ve purposely tried to not let any of that reflect on the blog. Being funny has always been a good way to cope for me; it’s how we were brought up. Most of the grandchildren even joked at the funeral between our tears. But, I wanted to take a break from that and use this space – my space – to share that my grandparents meant a lot to me, and between their deaths and my disappointments stemming from other events and people, I’m not feeling my best.
I’ve been pretty quiet lately; very few people have been able to get in touch with me. I’m happy that they’re together again. If you’re wondering, I don’t really need any words of encouragement. I will be fine, but I believe people have a right to be sad sometimes.
There’s really no point to this entry other than using it as a medium to vent my grief and frustration. May they rest in peace, and may things get better for all who suffer — no matter what form the pain comes in.
By the way, if you enjoy the blog, partially thank her. She always said what was on her mind. I’m glad that’s one quality that was passed down.