The Adventures of Ronnie and Tricks

It looks like Popeyes and KFC have ended their ‘beef’ and have announced that they will both star in a new reality show. Birds of a feather truly bawk together, don’t they?

What can we expect? Ass clapping? Neck rolling? Lots of obscenities? Bad acting? That will probably all be in the first episode that I will be watching.

What? Did you think I was going to say I would never watch such trash? I said that about two years ago with the first Flavor of Love, but then I caught the tail end of Season Two, discovered New York (though her solo show is sleep-inducing), and got hooked long enough to start feeling bad about myself.

Then I watched Charm School and got over it. I’m actually not a big fan of Larissa/Bootz/The Grinch, but I like Shay/Buckeey/Bad Blond Wig Wearer enough to check out the show.

But if it’s too stereotypical, I promise to grab the largest book in my room, knock myself out with it, then turn CNN back on. They’ll probably be reporting on Britney Spears’ 97th late night run to Taco Bell, though.

I Need Answers

1. Is dressing like a gay pirate what’s hot now?

2. What does the M in MTV stand for again? “Mmm we like reality TV?”

3. Speaking of MTV, did Tyra Banks buy it?

4. Am I the only one that thinks Sean Kingston looks like a woman pretending to be a man?

5. Why wasn’t this used as Britney’s album cover?

6. Who else is happy that the Boondocks is finally back?

7. Shouldn’t Chris Brown send T-Pain his lunch money for giving him a much needed hit?

8. After failing to debut in the top 10 off a paltry 55,000 in sales, can we say it’s a wrap for J.Lo’s music career and dub her the Paula Abdul of the 00s already?

9. Is he still alive?

10. Will she look at the bottom of the charts and take the hint?

11. Now that they’re selling class rings and prom dresses, how long will it be before the House of Dereon starts selling bath towels, lingerie, and prison jumpsuits?

12. So I’m not getting a Sanjaya album?

13. Where is her whip and chain?

14. Who told her acting like a drag queen overdosing on hormone pills was the way to go on TV?

15. What the hell does yule mean?

16. Which is the bigger lame?

17. Will I go to hell for laughing?

18. How many of you are going to see Pissy the Pedophile on tour?

19. How long do you think she was plotting?

20. Gimmie more?

Curtis Loves The Kids


A smiling 50 Cent was invited to speak with Bridgeport, Connecticut area middle and high school students to share his brand of wisdom.

The students were invited to the mayor’s office for what they were told was a discussion with city and education officials on how services for young people can be improved. How about not inviting a man whose mainstream fame largely stems from selling violent imagery and drug folklore to talk to impressionable youth? I know, I know. Michael stop hating on “50 Cent Curtis Jackson Day.”

So what lesson did 50, or Fitty as he was introduced (sidenote: Why do old people insist on calling him Fitty?), give to the crowd?

“I don’t do drugs. That was who I was, but I changed direction. My music reflects the early part of my life.”


You take the good…

“I say in one of my songs I hate cops. I don’t hate cops,” he said, nodding to Chief Bryan T. Norwood. “But I am expressing the feelings of a young boy who sees the cops take his brother away, and hates them for it.”


You take the bad…

You take them both and there you have the facts of life (the facts of life).

That and a whole lot of money. Lying and playing off stereotypes pays. Take note, chirren.

When prompted for an explanation on why his lyrics conflict with his now more mellowed multi-millionaire persona, he explained:

“Rap is very competitive. You can’t show your vulnerabilities, or another artist will use that against you in their content. Also, you don’t paint the whole picture at one time, with one color. I want to show more of my character, but it has to come out over time.”


Translation: Little Brother is dope, but they don’t sell records, let alone Vitamin Water. And since I ain’t no punk bitch, I refuse to be ethered off the charts the way I did Ja Rule.

So when is the more demure 50 going to present himself?

The rap artist and film star is in Bridgeport shooting a movie, “Righteous Kill” that will be released next year.


Not anytime soon.

He even touched on the much hyped album sales battle between him and Kanye.

Jackson suggested that his feud with recording artist Kanye West is a marketing ploy: “His label and my label are both owned by Universal Music Group,” he said, admitting that a rapper can keep up the angry act too long.


I appreciate his candor. So much that I won’t speak on the results. Nope. Won’t do it. Not doing so only makes me harder, faster, better, stronger.

I suppose I’m giving him too much of a hard time. He was honest with the students that he’s an entertainer, and he did say since he’s spending so much time shooting a film in that area that he wanted to get involved. He even presented a check for $25,000 through his G-Unity Foundation. He deserves praise for that.

Do you realize what just happened? Like 50, I see that my [old] cynical self is solely focused on the negative, which is preventing me from giving the man a fair chance. But, after reading this story and viewing the accompanying footage, I now see how wrong that is. I’ve learned something today. Thanks, 50. Gggggg-Unit.

Now can I get rich and live without the fear of being shot nine times?

Recapping The Unbearable


If you missed George Bush’s press conference this morning, you probably did so purposely. Unfortunately for me, I wasn’t as smart as you were, but if I had to suffer, shouldn’t everyone else? That’s a rhetorical question. Don’t leave any comments grilling me.

Here’s a recap of more than a half an hour not worth remembering.

On why the Democratic-controlled Congress has yet to pass any legislation of merit:

On the war effort:

…and soon Tehran.

Speaking of Democrats, his obvious thoughts on Democratic Congressional leadership:


His initial response to any journalist that thought they were going to get a real response out of him when they posed a hard question:


His second response:


After growing tired of annoying journalists doing their job:


My response to the President:

Watching George Bush speak sometimes makes you envy the deaf, or if you deem that offensive, replace deaf with the apolitical.

Believe me: This post was a lot more enjoyable than the actual press conference.

Start Your Day Off Right


Nothing gets your day going like devouring a 920 calorie, 60 grams of fat having burrito filled with three types of pork, 2 egg omelets, fried potatoes, processed cheese, and mystery gravy at 8:00 a.m. Is your mouth watering yet?

Hardees is calling it the Country Breakfast Burrito and it’s geared towards young men ages 18 to 34. Just my luck that I gave up pork several years ago.

The sandwich makes up half a day’s calories and a full day’s worth of saturated fat and salt. My heart is throbbing with excitement and preemptive pain.

Brad Haley, marketing chief for the St. Louis-based fast-food chain, said the burrito offers the sort of big breakfast item normally found in sit-down restaurants with an added advantage.

The novelty of dually gaining in cholesterol and mileage simultaneously?

“It makes this big country breakfast portable,” he said.

Same difference.

The Country Breakfast Burrito is available for $2.69 by itself, but if you’re really pushing your luck, $4.09 for a combo that includes hash rounds and coffee.

If you miss out on breakfast, Hardees is also responsible for the 1,420-calorie Monster Thickburger, made up of two 1/3-pound beef patties, four strips of bacon, three slices of cheese and mayonnaise on a buttered bun. Shoot. I don’t beef anymore either.

Not to be outdone, their chicken salad – topped with onion rings and crispy chicken – has 1,100 calories and 83 grams of fat. Yum. I do like onion rings.

Hungry?

Pon de Challenge


My challenge – which I choose to accept – is to write a solely positive entry about one of the blog’s favorite targets: Rihanna.

Can I do it? I don’t know, I’ve been putting it off for a couple of weeks now. I am carefully watching each and every word I type just to make sure I don’t go off and write something like this or that.

A friend of mine is a Rihanna fan and swore that they would get me to like her. This entry is about as close to that goal as they will ever get.

Operation Love Bajan kicked off with a few of her songs being sent to me via IM. And by sending via IM, I mean, sending me a list and requiring me to purchase the tracks on iTunes. Of course.

Some of them were cool, others I won’t touch on as I’m striving for positivity. Ok, I’m lying. I liked all but one of them. I just didn’t want to admit that publicly.

This all occurred during the promotional build up for Rihanna’s third album, Good Girl Gone Bad.

I tried to hate “Umbrella,” but I eventually gave in. It’s a nice song. I really like yelling ‘ella-ella-ella, eh-eh-eh’ for no apparent reason. There, my first compliment.

Second compliment: I like her haircut. She looks a lot better with a shorter cut and with black hair. Moreover, her look this era has also been quite consistent. A lot more consistent than artists that I’m a fan of. Yes, that includes Beyonce. Love her, but last week I saw a picture of her looking like I Dream of Jeannie. Time for a break.

See that. I’m on a roll.


I even have a revelation to disclose: I like her album. There. I said it. Did I buy it? No. I almost did, though. Being stubborn and recalling what I said here, I slowly backed away from the disc at Target the day of its release. I should have went ahead and bought it. It’s a well produced album and a step in the right direction for her musically, should she chose to stick with this sound for future releases.

Have I mentioned an improvement in Rihanna’s on stage presence?

Wipe me down because I’m on.

I’m starting to run out of things to say, so I’m going to rely on one of my best qualities: shallowness.


Rihanna looks beautiful on this cover. It took me a minute to type that sentence, but I played “Say It” in my head, which made it a little easier.


She has great tattoos. Check me out. I am complimenting her from her head down to her feet. Is this not progress?

As for the main picture of this the entry, let me just say nouveau dominatrix wear is being slept on. And no, that is not a backhanded compliment. The leather looks…good…on…her.

I’ll admit, in the past I would threaten to call INS and request that her work visa be revoked, but I no longer feel that way. She can stay.

As for my friend, know that I really really tried with this entry. You know how I feel, yet look at what lengths I went to prove that I can change and be kind to her.

Say it.

Put On Panties, *%$#&


Sometimes I feel like the world is Britney’s own personal gynecologist. The mother-of-the-year candidate has given the world another glimpse of her snatch. While she’s learned to follow the judge’s orders, obviously she still hasn’t learned that her vagina is the cause of many of her problems. If you’re at the point where you’ve seen the space between her legs enough times to consider calling yourself K-Fed, don’t bother clicking the link. If you’re into waxed trainwrecks, gon’ head and click here. There isn’t a doubt in my mind that her walls are as strong as the one in Berlin. Fortunately for her, there wasn’t a taco in her hand this time. We know how clean an eater Britney is. Wouldn’t want to get sauce there…not that she would notice.

Souljaboytellum.com


I’ve always felt like much of the criticism thrown at southern hip hop for the entire genre’s purported downfall to be a bit extreme. Mainstream hip hop’s obsession with materialism and self-absorption started with Puffy in New York, not in Atlanta, New Orleans, or Houston. There’s a long-standing prejudice against the southern drawl in the world of hip hop.

Sure, southern rap typically takes a more laid back approach, and is often party orientated, but I think groups like UGK and Outkast and rappers like Scarface, Devin the Dude, and Cee-Lo highlight that not every southern emcee shares the same accent, let alone the same subject matter.

But of course, it’s hard to make that point when the most popular songs from the south now deal with candy and dances named after superheroes.

Make no mistake: I enjoy both. “Laffy Taffy” is to the south what “This Is Why I’m Hot” is to the north: a catchy beat-driven song with forgettable lyrics that you’re not paying much attention to anyway because you’re listening to it in the club.

And if “Chicken Little Soup” is any indication, even New York can’t shake the south’s broader appeal – even making attempts to duplicate it.

Currently there’s no one harder to shake than 17-year-old Atlanta native behind the ever popular and infectious “Crank That (Soulja Boy)” and superman dance craze, Soulja Boy.

Too bad his album, Souljaboytellum.com negates every point I just tried to make in saving the south’s image, and gives enough material to southern bashers to last another decade.

Soulja Boy swears he’s a lot smarter than most people assume him to be, and assures audiences there’s a twist to every song on the album – highlighting his versatility.

He might be more intelligent than I pegged him to be, but his album isn’t. On the track, “Sidekick,” Soulja Boy says, “Man, I can’t believe that I’m rapping about a phone, but what you won’t believe is I wrote this song.” I’m a believer.

By track six, you will have learned at least three new dances. Soon after you come across two songs dedicated to ass — “Donk” and “Booty Meat.” The latter is as hysterical as it is ridiculous.

Also included in this versatile album of dance records, familiar beats, and ass-appreciating anthems is the ubiquitous ‘love song’ made ‘for the ladies’ – the album’s second single, “Soulja Girl.” If you’ve heard the other shallow love songs by rappers who ill-advisedly sing alongside the token R&B singer doing the hook, you’ve heard this one already.

Though you may feel like you’re losing brain cells while listening, there are some songs that are at least catchy enough to bob your head to. One of them is “Bapes,” dedicated to the popular clothing line.

Then there is “Pass It To Arab,” where the beat is catchy enough to the point you’ll forget the song is more or less a four minute loop after you start to play closer attention to the lyrics.

What exactly prompts Soulja Boy to believe he’s more intelligent that people give him credit for with an album like this? It’s probably the fact that he recorded the majority of it on his personal computer. How many rappers can say they secured the number one record and ringtone in the country from a record created on their computer?

How many can say their popularity stems not from a carefully planned marketing plan from a major label, but from word-of-mouth campaigns catered to myspace and Youtube users?

On the album’s final track, Soulja Boys boldly raps, “Don’t get mad ‘cause the kids like me.” While I can be turned off at this album’s contribution to the blame the South mantra, I can’t get mad at the fact that the kids put him where he is. With a popular dance, song, television show in development, his battle for fame seems to be achieved. My personal one to clear the south’s name continues on.

Go For Gold


Why give gold stars when you can give gold teeth? That’s the rationale Kevin Stokes used when trying to decide on how to reward his fifth grade son, Vincent Holloway, for getting good grades in school.

Holloman’s father says he rewarded his son for his studious qualities by buying him gold grills. “So I said, ‘I am going to get you some gold teeth,’” said Kevin Stokes, the boy’s father.

For a good report card he got $500 gold crowns. If you’re wondering, they’re bottoms, not fronts. He’ll probably have to make straight As consecutively to get fronts. You have to work your way up for those, y’know.

A guidance counselor – possibly jealous – confronted young Vincent and demanded to know if the grills on his teeth were real. Wow, did she really tried to play that kid? I can see her in class now.

Counselor: “I know damn well you didn’t sell enough cookies to buy real gold.”

Or:

“Your daddy still owes me $6 for paying your way for the field trip, so how is he going to buy you some gold teeth?”

Haters will hate.

“She got a napkin and put it in my mouth and was yanking, yanking and turning it and turned my teeth,” explained Holloman.

No she didn’t. She’s since been reassigned pending an investigation. Let’s hope none of those kids have diamonds in their mouth.

After the incident, Holloman reported to Broward General Medical Center to seek treatment for his aching gums. “You can’t just yank them out, you need to go to a dentist to have them removed out,” said the boy’s father.

Poor kid. He’s a victim of his father’s ignorance and a victim of his guidance’s counselor disdain for grills.

According to the Broward County Schools’ Code of Conduct, they do not ban decorative dental work, but, according to a school spokesman, the principal has the discretion to do so if clothing, jewelry or any other item is a distraction to the school’s environment.

I don’t get it. It’s Florida. How distracting can it really be?

Rewarding someone for good grades with gold teeth is like rewarding someone that saved their virginity for marriage with herpes: now that you’ve got it, no one wants you be it in their beds or place of employment.

Soulja Boy Night Time Stories Pt.1

This is what happens when your pregnant mother’s attitude towards drinking alcohol dictates, “A lil’ wine or MD 2020 won’t hurt the baby” and/or when your outlook towards class, learning to read, and embracing maturity all lose sight once someone says, “Damn! Look at that ass!”

He might be able to get me to dance, but I doubt he could win me any money if someone bet me that could complete a full reading of Green Eggs and Ham.

Bear witness to the early stages of a generation under ‘No Child Left Behind.’