The American Idol Awards Show Featuring Beyonce

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I have to be honest: I can’t remember any American Music Awards from this decade. I’m pretty sure I’m not alone, considering this show was more or less promoted as the “music special that features a Special Guest Appearance by Beyonce.” Way to reel them in, Dick Clark.

Speaking of Beyonce, you know you’re the star of the show when you’re not even listed as a performer, though you’re still the night’s headliner.

The countdown to Beyonce’s special guest appearance show kicked off with Fergie doing yet another Gwen Stefani impersonation while performing “Fergalicious.”

Then she segued into her hundredth single, “Clumsy” but by then I already got up to get some more water. By the time I made my way back Fergie was wailing the incredibly annoying “Big Girls Don’t Cry.” I started to contemplate grabbing my blanket and sleeping through the rest of this show.

Producers, under the false impression that we needed even more Black Eyed Pea members to perform, decided to let Will.I.Am stay on stage to try and get his Timbaland on. I have no idea what song he was performing, but I do know it was everything like a Fergie performance: A bunch of props, and simple choreography to compensate for a performer without an ounce of rhythm.

After back-to-back performances, Will.I.Am still refused to vacate the stage, and why would he, when there was another rhythmless front woman to join. Nicole Whatchamacallit decided to give us another example of why she needs to give the Pussycat Dolls a call. She performed flopped single #2, “Baby Love” — a fitting title considering you have to love your baby to deal with the really annoying noises many of them make in the middle of the night, though none are probably nearly as annoying as whatever note Nicole thought she was hitting at the end of the song. I like her, but what was going on?

Just when I thought to hit the bottle of Nyquil, Jimmy Kimmel’s Writer’s Guild strike-approved opening saved the half hour. Thank you, Jimmy Kimmel for waking me up.

Faux punk rocker Avril reminded me of the reason I stopped paying attention to her years ago.

Ashanti gave me another reason to turn on Brown Sugar after she read the list of nominees for Best Soul R&B Male: Akon, T-Pain, and Ne-Yo. John Legend, Maxwell, D’Angelo, can we get it together with the new releases?

Up until this show, I had never heard of the Jonas Brothers, so outside of noting the kid in the white fell and tried to play it off, I have nothing to say. I take it they’re like the brunette version of Hanson?

I’m still not a fan of the song, but Rihanna’s performance with Ne-Yo was pretty good. She’s improving.

So the big “special guest appearance” that “audiences would be talking about tomorrow” was basically a carefully planned joint effort between Dick Clark Productions and Sony/BMG to get this show ratings and Beyonce even more crossover appeal.

Still, someone please get me the mp3 of the country remix to “Irreplaceable.” The lead singer of Sugarland was feeling that song wasn’t she? “To de leff, to de leff.”

Beyonce’s team is on a mission to push her to as many different audiences as possible. Expect a polka version of “Get Me Bodied” any day now. That or a zydeco version of “Freakum Dress.”

I would ask why Justin Timberlake won the Rock/Pop award and the Best Soul/R&B album, but I doubt I get a credible answer — ahh well.

Chris Brown’s performance had a lot of lights, acrobatics, energy, and the like. Kind of makes me wish I wasn’t so fat and lazy when I took gymnastics back in middle school. If there’s one thing I think he can add to his act, I think it would be to perform with pre-recorded live vocals just to add something fresh to whatever song he’s performing.

I was really hoping to hear Alicia perform “Like You’ll Never See Me Again,” but she instead went with the shouting anthem, “No One.” There was a lot of noise to process, but I did enjoy the break into “Murder She Wrote.”

I must say, Alicia dances a lot like Mariah Carey. She looked like she was having a lot of fun, though. I guess that’s the silver lining. She looked great, too. I wouldn’t be shocked if she went backstage and lit it up with her accompanying dancehall artists.

By the end of night, we found out how they got Beyonce to show up and why they kept bringing up Beyonce’s name every other minute besides the need to keep ratings: She won the biggest award of the night.

Did anyone peep her go the wrong way after accepting? I love her.

Mary J. Blige was killing ‘em on stage performing “Just Fine.” She looked a lot like old Mary, even breaking out the old What’s The 411? moves. I actually like the song a little more now. Rihanna singing a long was cute.

Wow I must be in a really good mood or something.

I also liked Khadijah’s performance. I knew she could hold a tune, but her voice seems to have gotten a lot stronger. Go Cleo.

All and all I probably should’ve been reading a book or watching something on bootleg (I mean authenticity-challenged) than watching this tribute to the American Idol franchise, but I wanted to look at Beyonce, so I stuck around. That makes it alright.

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