Help Me: Rihanna

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Dear Michael,

I’m not selling as many albums as I thought I would. They told me with a new image I would go to the next level. I’ve done everything they’ve asked me to do. I locked Fefe Dobson in a closet and stole all of her clothes so I could have the perfect bad girl wardrobe. I took out Beyonce’s old tracks out and found the best new hair cut to spice up the new look. They told me I look like someone named Pat Benatar now. Who is he? Well whatever, he probably doesn’t look as good with this cut as I do.

Then Jay told me that it was time that I to show the world who I really am. He told me some producers would tell me who I really was as soon as I entered the studio.

“Umbrella” was my idea, though. It was supposed to go to Mary J. Blige, but I fought for it, y’know.

And it was the song of the summer! That’s like the hottest time the year, y’know? Hot!

That’s what I was telling my shero, Beyonce. I was soooo happy to see her, y’know? I was like hey, this is like my “Crazy In Love.” Then she looked down and whispered, “You try to collaborate with my man in any way again and you’ll disappear quicker than LaTavia.”

She was kind of scary. But back to my sales — they’re not high enough. I’m getting worried. I don’t want to be sent back to Barbados, y’know.

So what can I do?

They say sex sales and what’s sexier than performing with a whip?

See look at me! Was I not getting it? Why aren’t more people buying Good Girl Gone Bad?

Can you help me?

Ella, ella, eh, eh, eh!

Rihanna

Dear Rihanna,

I don’t know how much help I can be, because to tell you the truth, I don’t really care for you.

Well I’m sorry, but you kind of bug me. You seem so…manufactured. Are you a femmebot?

Look, I tried to compliment you a while back on here, but all I could manage to come up with is that you’re pretty and you take nice pictures. No matter how much you try to switch up your image, you’re still pretty dull.

Just revel in the fact that you are pretty.

What? That’s not enough. I guess you want it all, huh? Okay, okay. I’ll try to help. Consider this me partaking in the holiday spirit.

I actually think you have a good album. Did I buy it? No, but I thought about it before slowly backing away. Don’t pout. Maybe I’ll buy it on black Friday.

First off, I think your single choices have been kind of off. What happened to “Breakin’ Dishes?” That could’ve easily been released as the follow up to “Umbrella.” And that song with Ne-Yo: I mean, yeah, it has finally made its way to the Top Ten, but it’s basically another song borrowing from the beat of “Irreplaceable.” Why didn’t you go with “Say It” instead?

You see there, I really do like your album! Just not you, but maybe by the end of this, we change that. Don’t bet your green card on it, though.

You’re right about sex selling, but there’s something about the way you go about it. I mean, sure, the dominatrix get up sparks attention from the whip and chain enthusiasts, but I don’t know, when Madonna and Janet used sex to sale they crafted hits. You, on the other hand, just look like you’re ready to turn tricks.

You bend and you bend but the only thing riding up is your shorts, not your album sales. Try a different approach. And for the record, after watching that performance I was tempted to spray my screen with Lysol. I might even run it past the free clinic.

Another thing you can work on is your stage act. This is my typical reaction after watching one of your performances:

I’ll admit, you’ve gotten much much better, though.

You were pretty good the other night at the AMAs. Kudos on no longer sounding like Billy Goat Gruff.

Give me more of this:


Oh, and I’ve got to give it to you.

Right here you look like you’re actually blowing. Fake it ‘til you make it, Rih Rih!

I have to admit even though your sales might not be as high as you expected them to be, you’re still doing remarkably well. I’ve come to accept that you’re not going anywhere anytime soon. You’re the new Ashanti and I’m now at peace with it. If you were wondering, that was me and Teairra Mari calling the INS, but don’t worry, that ends now.

You know, as I’m writing this, I’m warming up to you a little. I suppose I can be a little nicer to you. As an act of good faith, I think I’ll nix that plan to bootleg your album to pay my credit card bill. Every little bit helps!

I’ll holla!

Michael

P.S. Since we’re like, going to try and be friends now, straight up: Were you drunk or is this just a regular night for you at the club?

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