Round Two: The Cynical Awards

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I’m a little late with this, but it’s not like I’m about to lose any Nickelodeon money over it (Hi, Jamie Lynn). As promised:

Get Your Swagger Up: Kelly Rowland

You want Kelly to become the little engine that could, but she seems dead set on remaining the little engine that stopped on the freeway during rush hour. Her album, Ms. Kelly, was a decent album, but with videos that look like old St. Ides commercials, single choices about as wise as Lil Kim’s decisions in cosmetic surgeries, and a drive to sell records that mirrors Janet’s desire to cover her breasts, Kelly’s album dropped off Billboard almost as fast as she did on that stage in Nigeria last summer. Kelly is living proof that you can only get by on your past successes for so long.

The Orenthal Award: Polow Da Don

In an interview with the homie over at All Hip Hop, super producer of the moment, Polow Da Don, revealed his love natural blonds and red heads. I guess some people are too good for the sisters who rock the burgundy tracks. Anywho, his rationale for his preference suggested he suffered from nutty Negro itis. He successfully stereotyped both black and white women in one quick swoop of stupidity. Lucky for him he has money, so gold diggers will see beyond his color complex so long as he throws enough green to appease theirs. Don’t be surprised if this fool follows in the footsteps of the accidental Bronco spokesperson and the Colorado slugger.

In High School You Was The Man Homie: Britney Spears

Who knew In The Zone would take on whole a new meaning in such a short amount of time? Before she became the new poster child for contraceptives, Britney used to be her generation’s answer to Madonna. Now she’s every generation’s biggest annoyance with her ever increasingly strange antics being documented every single second — complete with coverage on the major cable news networks (What war?). When the most normal thing about you is a late night run to Taco Bell, you know you’ve hit rock bottom. Now that her sister has repeated her sister’s mistake of conceiving a spawn much too soon, we can now look forward to even more Spears children terrorizing Hollywood in fifteen years. As for Britney’s career, just think of a white porcelain bowl and bam…you’ve found it.

Smooth Criminal: R. Kelly

Thanks to a society that has an obsession with celebrity so strong only its obsession with bashing women rivals it, Pissy is free to roam the Zoo, the playground, and candy stores. The infamous sex tape has been out for several years now, but the man who was obviously way too into Zorro growing up has yet to face trial, enjoying more push backs than Lauryn Hill, Michael Jackson, and Maxwell combined. Even when he does finally go to trial, he’ll no doubt make O.J. Simpson say, “Damn that guy is lucky.” Please let the bouncer of hell be a teenage girl with a finely sharpened switch blade.

Persistence Is a Virtue: Rihanna

Though it may have taken three albums in two years complete with two major image overhauls, Rihanna is finally a star. She came out as somewhat of a tomboy but has since morphed into leather wearing whip and chain holding sexpot. Gotta love those seedy A&R reps. It might be a bit much for her age, but Rihanna has found a formally that works. She admittedly swept from under Mary J. Blige to get “Umbrella” for herself. As much as I love the Queen, I’m actually glad Rihanna ended up with the song. Had the song ended up with Mary it would have very likely turned into another Kendu-praising anthem. See, Kelly, this is how you dig yourself out of a hole.

What The Hook Gon’ Be: T-Pain

I don’t know if I want to strangle him or ask him for a track, but T-Pain has done an amazing job of placing a choke hold on radio. Looking like the lovechild of a Gummy Bear and an Ewok, T-Pain makes me want to continue to save for a vocoder and hop on the Roger Troutman bandwagon with every new hook he sings.

I Don’t Need To Read: Soulja Boy

In school they tell you that you can do anything so long as you have a solid education. These people forget to mention that you can also accomplish anything if you spend enough time spamming folks on YouTube and MySpace. Though he may sound like slavery ended three days ago whenever he opens his mouth, Soulja Boy managed to get the nation screaming “yule” as they Superman these hoes. To top it off, he made his entire album on his personal computer,

Brown Paper Bag: The Promoters of the Light Skindeded Party

Have some people not gotten the memo that we’s free, now? Wouldn’t it be funny if God looked like the old Michael Jackson?

Now, let’s all look forward to a great 2008. When you hear good news like DMX is planning to release a gospel album, you know good things await us all! Here’s a preview of the album:

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