Help Me: Bow Wow

Ayo, what up, Mike?

It’s you boi Bow Weezy. Look, man, I don’t really need your advice, nah mean? I got the game on lock. Multi-platinum albums? Done. Sold out tours? You know how I do. Multi-million dollar deals? Stop playing.

And as you know, me and my man, O, we just dropped Face Off, which is a crazy record. I’m talking Best of Both Worlds. Nah, dude, scratch that. It’s like…Best of the Universe. This is what the world’s been waiting on, but the wait is now over. We’re causing mass hysteria. We’re murdering the game. Feel me?

Did you cop our shit yet, my dude? So much swag in my flow, you probably catch some on contact, ya dig? I’m not playing with ya’ll, man.

But you know, now that I have your attention – and how could I not have your attention, I’m the Prince of Hip Hop – I do have one thing that’s kind of bothering me.

What’s up with all the hate? Me and O demand our respect as men. O has been selling out tours for years, and you know me, I sold out the Garden…two nights in a row. Who else has done that? Hov hasn’t. 50 didn’t. Neither has Eminem? Oh, Kanye? Nope. But I have. That’s right. ME. ME. ME.

Yo, I read that list XXL put up on their site talking about why I’ll never be taken seriously as a rapper. That’s the hate I’m talking about. I been in the game for fifteen years — I’m on some LL Cool J shit. Where were they a couple of years ago when I had my number one records, huh? Out of all the rappers who were hot then – I’m talking 50, Jay, Kanye – I was the only one headlining my own arena tour? The only one. ME. ME. ME. They didn’t say that then.

I’m used to number one, and my track record proves it. I’ve been doing this for years, but people still act like I’m still a kid. I ain’t a puppy no more. I’m grown. When are people going to give me my respect as a man?

Bow Wow

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Dear Bow Wow,

I want to like you. Me and my niece enjoyed Roll Bounce. I’ve never thrown salt on the kiddie rap game. I wasn’t one of those naysayer’s who said you couldn’t make an escape from the puppy pound either. But, man, ever since your voice shot three octaves lower, you’ve really smelled yourself. Thank God I’m not short. That Napoleon complex seems like the short man’s herpes.

I can’t knock you for having a great sense of self-worth, but your delusions of grandeur make Jay-Z seem shy. Did you ever think that maybe if you came across a bit humbler, people wouldn’t be so quick to tear your down?

I appreciate that you distanced yourself from JD. You’re trying to prove you can do stuff on your own. I can understand you being tired of giving your publishing to him and Da Brat. You separated yourself from them to find out who you are, and that’s a big step to take as a man. Go you.

Having said that, let me give your lil’ cocky ass some perspective: When Nas was 20, he dropped Illmatic. You’re 20 and you’re recording with Omarion. See where I’m going with this?

I know, I know, little girls don’t want to see Nas dance on the Scream Face Off tour, but you’re not going to garner respect from the adult crowd if you’re still catering to their little sister (and brother on the low). It’s not the new Jay and Pissy; it’s the return of Scooby and Shaggy.

Oh yeah, Mr. My Own Man, though the name Shawntae Harris may no longer be in the credits, “swagger jacked by Lil Wayne” should. Take “Hey Baby (Jump Off)” — a track from the album “the entire world has been waiting on.” I guess “the entire world” translates into Chris Stokes. Anyway:

“I’m young/I’m right/I’m flashy/I’m fly/So fly I’m about to take off/”

Lil’ Wayne isn’t exactly Mr. Originality either, but now Wayne’s known for his flow…and you’re biting hard on that track.

I wrote this just for you:

You rap/Like Wayne/That shit is lame/Get off his dick/Leave something for his b….

And while we’re on the subject, please get off T.I.P.’s sac, too…ASAP, ASAP.

On some other song you said, “I’m like a cold, I come and I go.” Man, if you don’t get yourself together the 21 and up crowd is about to take a permanent dose of Vicks 44 on that ass.

As for that hood shit: You’re about as hood as one of Kanye’s scarf’s. Tattoos a thug not make. You’ve had money for a while now, and I’m guessing that you’ve lived in a gated community for quite some time. That ain’t hood, Shad.

It was really decent of you to stand up for your man, Omarion in that interview. Oh when told Toure that if had a problem, he can holler at your bodyguard — that’s gangsta, man.

Oh yeah about this: You might want to hold on to some of that, though.

What’s that you told Ballerstatus.com?

No way we can’t do 500,000 the first week. Right around the holiday season and our hardcore fanbase is kids and the young girls. Christmas time is for the kids and that’s what make it hype and exciting. Don’t let the album be $9.99. If the album $9.99, we might mess around and do 700,000.

Ya’ll messed around and sold 107,000 on sale.

Say after the next tour you go do a couple of movies, and then try to come back as a real adult? Come back with something that’s catering to the people who buy alcohol legally. I think you can still pull it off.

And if you don’t appreciate my advice, have Omarion whisper it in your ear to you. It should probably make sense then.

P.S. You’re the top, right?