The Lamb Cometh

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Some people will never accept it, but Mariah Carey is going to be 30-something going on 12 1/2 for the rest of her life. Considering interviews and incidents that have taken place through the years, it’s not completely unfair to say suggest that Mariah may be out of her rabbit ass mind — but that’s alright, though. I don’t know about ya’ll, but I prefer my crazy people to be up front about their boonish ways. She’s already worth hundreds of millions of dollars: Why does she have to force sanity on the general public when loonboon tendencies have gotten her this far? From a slightly crazy person to a borderline padded rainbow room needing would be Olsen triplet: Do you, Mimi. Do you.

In case you haven’t picked up on it, I’m a bit of a lamb. If you don’t know what that means…good. That just means you can’t judge me as harshly as some other people will after reading this.

I liked some of her older stuff, but I was never really a big ballad-loving person. “Hero” got on my nerves, but once she started hanging around with O.D.B. (R.I.P.), I started thinking, “Wow. I can fool with this nutty mulatto.” (Edit: I say that out of love, my beautiful biracial butterflies of the world.) And then when “Honey” came out, I was like, “She can’t dance worth a damn, but she obviously doesn’t care.” She’s devoid of reality like that. I can dig it.

Fortunately, Butterfly turned out to be a great album, which gave me even more fervor for my standom. Would I ever pay to see this chick live? Hell nawl, but I will listen to her croon about butterflies, look for pictures of her drunk (they’re hilarious), and watch her interviews to catch those not so subtle disses at artists who get out of pocket with her.

She might act like a Sweet Valley high character, but she has some gangsta in her. I bet she would fight you in her 22inch heels if you dissed My Little Pony or Hello Kitty.

Maybe it’s vanity, but I’m thinking her releasing her The Emancipation of Mimi on my birthday was just the bolster her career needed. Now that she’s shut the industry who prematurely 2 Pac’d her career up, Mimi’s continuing with her antics in the video for her new single, “Touch My Body.”

“Touch My Body,” although simplistic, is catchy as hell. I won’t bother trying to elaborate on its brilliance, because Rich has already done so perfectly. You would think a song that touches on a sensuality would play it up in the video, but no, Mariah wants to be silly (or corny, take your pick), and more importantly, flex those acting muscles (or gut, depending on what hateful film reviewers you’re reading). I don’t know if the Academy will be proud of her performance in this video, but I bet some VH1 producers are smiling.

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