Pipe Dreams

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Clover Hope had the luxury of interviewing hip hop great turned rhyming crack pipe DMX for XXL recently. I imagine speaking with DMX to be a lot like trying to have a conversation with the homeless man that barks at cars who typically drowns in his own drool.

The interview, in a nutshell: DMX doesn’t care about anything, nor is he following anything. Why? Because he’s so focused on smoking crack right now. I can only imagine how fun transcribing that interview must have been.

The most interesting part of the interview is Clover enlightening DMX about this blog’s resident
candidate of choice.

Are you following the presidential race?
Not at all.

You’re not? You know there’s a Black guy running, Barack Obama and then there’s Hillary Clinton.
His name is Barack?!

Barack Obama, yeah.


What the fuck is a Barack?! Barack Obama. Where he from, Africa?

Yeah, his dad is from Kenya.
Barack Obama?

What the fuck?! That ain’t no fuckin’ name, yo. That ain’t that nigga’s name. You can’t be serious. Barack Obama. Get the fuck outta here.

You’re telling me you haven’t heard about him before.
I ain’t really paying much attention.

I mean, it’s pretty big if a Black…
Wow, Barack! The nigga’s name is Barack. Barack? Nigga named Barack Obama. What the fuck, man?! Is he serious? That ain’t his fuckin’ name. Ima tell this nigga when I see him, “Stop that bullshit. Stop that bullshit” [laughs] “That ain’t your fuckin’ name.” Your momma ain’t name you no damn Barack.

Why is he allowed to roam the streets freely? I hope they don’t let that fool onto the set of 106 & Park. I’d hate to see those kids jump him for trying to steal their iPods.

To be fair: He did make some sense about Lil’ Wayne, then that crack itch kicked back in.

Working on life.
Yeah, working on life.

Are you happy right now?
I don’t wanna be happy.

Why not?

’Cause when you happy you get locked in sleep. You get sleepy happy. I always wanna be on point. I always wanna be aware.

Right, ’cause when you’re happy you think you’re safe and you don’t…
Yeah, you get sleepy happy.

Actually, take a big scoop of Crisco, and pour half a bottle of Grey Goose into a pan full of hot grease: That’s DMX’s brain.

He makes me feel so much better about that crack head that lives down the street from me. The one with no teeth that has picnics (a 40, a Big Mac, and laying on the ground = picnic) across the street from the corner store. His name is Major and DMX makes him look like Will Smith.

The next time I hear him say, “Buy me a beer” I think I just might — all because of DMX.

If they ever bring back D.A.R.E., they need to use this Q&A as a pamphlet.

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