The Week in 10

I’m not sure if I’ll make this a regular thing or not, but despite not being able to write on every instance of ridiculousness in the world, there are some things that shouldn’t go unnoticed.

Now:

1. I noticed that grin Keyshia Cole had on her face when Frankie said she is Black and Italian on their reunion special. She needn’t harp on her possible Italian heritage, because at the end of the day, a breadstick from the Olive Garden has more Italian features than she does.

2. The Dream sounds like R. Kelly pretending to be Prince and looks a lot like a Teddy Graham – he ain’t that hot.

Tell me you don’t see the resemblance.

3. Nelly’s new single sucks more than Omarion on Bow Wow’s birthday.

4. The end of the world must be near: Someone on Fox News bought a clue about the network’s biases.

5. Hair and a triple shot of rhythm can only get you so far — this ain’t gon’ cut it.

6. Puffy should have let Shannon keep that other hair color. Now she looks like Kathy Griffin.

A 12 year-old boy was taken into custody Wednesday night for throwing a rock through the windshield of Soulja Boy’s bus. Why? The kid told arresting officers, “I hate Soulja Boy.”

7. Not every child is into short yellow bus hip-hop; there may be hope for us after all. Too bad he missed.

Master P and his son Romeo are filming a movie in their home state of Louisiana called The Pig People. Romeo will play one of five teenagers who venture into a haunted forest to film a documentary about the mythical half-human, half-pig Pig People.

8. I could make more money selling gonorrhea than they could pushing this DVD.

9. Kanye West sometimes dresses like hip hop’s court jester. He looks like he’s about to tell a few jokes for the King and pray he doesn’t get beheaded afterwards.

10. Reality television must end. I would say more about this trailer, but since this is related to Suge Knight, I’m afraid to. You should be, too.

Self-Made

“What’s on ya mind?” is a question rapper Rocko poses on “Dis Morning” – the kick off track from his debut album, Self-Made. He quickly ends any speculation by answering, “The only thing on my mind is money, money, money” – a sentiment conveyed on just about every single track that follows.

With money on his mind, Rocko spends much of the hour talking about the almighty dollar. How it drives him to hustle; how it helps him stay fly; how it’s gotten him out of a dire situation; how he’ll never go back to a pre-money having existence.

Perhaps that’s why he takes a very safe approach in subject matter with his first release. Self-Made is the quintessential mainstream hip-hop album of this decade: A beat driven ode to money and materialism complete with several thug references to preserve street credibility.

It’s a blueprint mainly used for emcees with talents that can only be deemed marginal at best. Such is the case with Rocko, who with lines like “You make it sprinkle/I make it tsunami,” is fortunate to rap only for fortune given that any hope of gaining respect for his lyrical skills went under with that very surge of water.

Though Rocko may not be putting much activity into his pen and pad, he’s certainly making sure his time spent at the mall isn’t wasted. If you didn’t catch Rocko’s affinity for Louis Vuitton on the album’s first single, “Umma Do Me,” he reminds you throughout several tracks on Self-Made. That free publicity doesn’t end with that noted designer, however. Rocko is big on Gucci, too.

Besides breaking new ground with references to his passion for fashion, Rocko shares musings on another topic new to hip-hop — the treacherous gold-digger. Rocko has some choice words for female pursers trying to mask their greed under the guise of an “I love you.” Though “That’s My Money” is intended to serve as a warning to all those hoping to pull the okie doke over Rocko, one has to wonder why he’s so surprised that some women are only interested in his money when it’s the only subject he seems to speak with passionately.

Nevermind. That would require much more thought than the artist intended to provoke. I suppose we can surmise his stance the way singer and the mother of his children, Monica, does when she sings, “A thug need love, too.” (“Thugs Need Love Too”) That’s love produced without a receipt, I suppose.

Back to what really matters — Rocko’s money. The rapper takes his Jeezy-like flow to let us know that his “Old Skools costs more than your new school,” (“Old Skool”), he enjoys spending money like there’s no tomorrow (“Tomorrow”), but his swagger is priceless (“Priceless”).

At a time when rap sales are on a noted decline, it’s interesting to find so many rappers still so superfluous with their spending habits. Now that we’ve reached the era of the ringtone rapper, it’s a good thing Rocko’s swagger is priceless because all that he raps about isn’t. Rocko the hustler will be tested now that he’ll have to pay for his Louis, Gucci, and those bottles he likes to pop on the sales of .99 cent singles versus $10-$15 full fledge albums. As for the now-transparent genre in general, it’s likely we’ll have to listen to several more Rocko’s before it dawns on anyone that while their lyrical content has yet to change, the game has.

Huck If You Buck

Look no further than the candidacy of Mike Huckabee as proof that the majority of the religious right consists of nothing more than pseudo-Christians who bastardize religious dogma in the name of securing power and wealth. When the “born-again Christian” candidate George W. Bush first gained national prominence, the Ralph Reed’s of the world praised him as God’s chosen candidate: Someone who lived by the virtues of Christ that would restore decency to the office.

What we really got was an ex-coke head whose foreign policy seemed rooted in facilitating the Rapture — suggesting that while he and his war mongering cohorts may indeed be skipping out on blow these days, they’re surely still hitting the bottle. George W. Bush, whose campaign strategy consisted mainly of divide and conquer fear tactics, has been antithetical to everything both Christian and conservative.

Then comes Mike Huckabee, an ordained minister who embraces creationism, advocates basing government laws on the Ten Commandments, doing away with the tax system, promoting celibacy, limiting abortion, limiting the rights of gays, and virtually every other “moral issue” pushed by the ever-controlling religious right wing of the Republican Party.

When they have what they wanted presented to them on a platter, they scoff at him and instead try to latch on to Mitt Romney – who as a Mormon, doesn’t even fall in line with their view of what a Christian is.

Why is that? Fast forward to 3:30 of this clip.

It’s because they don’t really want what they advocate. It’s just a tactful way of suckering enough people to support their own self-serving causes.

I think Mike Huckabee is a likable person besides the fact that if he met me, he’d probably tell me that he’ll pray that God hands me a cup of ice before he condemns me to hell. Still, I respect someone that actually believes what they’re saying — even if I don’t agree with the notion that the world is flat.

I highly doubt any other conservative comes out and be that forthright about the speech, and for that, I appreciate Mike Huckabee.

Judging from the responses I’ve read and seen on Obama’s speech, I have to be honest and say that I feel that a lot of Americans deserve the conditions they live in. Bush won on the hatred of gays and Muslims, and now some people are crying false victimhood against the very people who built this country. If McCain wins, I’m curious to see what these people will think of more job losses, the prospects of more domestic terrorism (which can happen if war happy McCain is given a free ride to blow up the world), and their dollars equating the worth of a peso.

That is what voting on hate will get you…and we reap what we sow.

Five Years Later


1. Your imbecilic, sophomoric, bad joke of a President is still trying to link 9/11 with the war in Iraq.

2. His puppeteer, while fishing on the boat of the Sultan of Oman, plays the same game with Iran that he did with Iraq as he ignores the will of the American people.

3. While politicians talk a good game about people talking about a good game, their own words are now haunting them. Experience means nothing if you don’t learn from your past mistakes.

4. This silly, stubborn, foolish old man blows his line about Al Qaeda in Iraq (he meant to say they are in Iran on January 21, 2009, should he win the Presidency) as he plans to blow up the rest of the Middle East — clearly living by the adage, “If I go, we all go.”

5. 3,990 troops killed. 29, 395 wounded. 2,100 have tried to commit suicide.

By the way this war is estimated to have cost over a trillion dollars already. That trillion dollar figure could have went to preventing a generation of children from talking like toothless slaves.

Thanks a lot, Bush, Democrats that stood by him, and the mindless sheep that allowed themselves to be sucked in. I guess we can all at least take comfort in the joy that Exxon Mobile and Halliburton feel about the war.

Got Me Going To The Archives

I really miss Jodeci (Oooh yeah). Back then Puffy was hungry, ready to take a $2 budget and create something that looks like it at least cost $100 to make. Now we live in an age where videos don’t really air on video channels, thus a couple of quick dance moves over a fake back drop provided by the green screen will suffice for most viewers who will only look at videos for the first few seconds before they click on something else on YouTube anyway.

Puffy was probably too busy focusing on dodging Kim Porter, the LA Times, and a couple of lawsuits to really put more thought into how to make sure his would be sequel to New Edition got the proper push off.

It’s not that terrible, but it’s still pretty forgettable. The one thing I really hate about the video is the words sprawling across the screen throughout the whole thing. If I needed to know the words that badly, I could have turned on closed captioning.

And poor Mike: They could have given him a bigger jacket. That jacket looks like it has him in a choke hold. Got him going to the hospital as soon as the video wrapped.

Let’s hope the album is better.

Wonder Bread


Now, when I pass by the man selling the Obama t-shirts he no doubt made with the help of a Sharpie and his vintage Packard Bell desktop, I don’t knock his hustle.

When walking to the Obama rally listening to the man say he hopes you can help him fund the pork chop dinner he’s planning for tonight with the purchase of his Obama shirt, I don’t knock his hustle.

But some hustles, yeah, I’ll knock it.

Like this eBay seller pushing “Obama Miracle Toast.” The current bid sits at $44.00.

The description reads as follows:

Yesterday morning my wife asked me if I wanted toast for breakfast.

I said “sure.”

Now I wish that I had never said that. Because what appeared on my slice of toast was the strangest image that has the uncanny likeness of Barack Obama.

What could this possibly mean? It’s not my imagination either, just LOOK at the photograph! It’s OBAMA. I checked my toaster.

It’s just a regular old toaster that has never produced anything like this before!

But it doesn’t end there.

I emailed a picture of the weird toast to a friend of mine, asking him for his opinion. He forwarded it to some Hillary Clinton campaign person and by 4pm I heard a knock at my door.

“We’ll give you $20 bucks for the Obama Toast.”

Watch him get a reality show out of this.

Some of the comments are hilarious:

Q: This is not real, you altered the toast and it is so obvious. There’s too much detail and too much likeness to other Obama pictures for this to be authentic.

A: Ya think?

Q:u have way to much time on your hands

A. Actually I am VERY busy. It’s been fun counting the Hits though. Over 3700 visitors at 11:30 am PST.

It’s a miracle his toaster hasn’t turned on him like the one on Ghostbusters for playing the fool.

By the way, the seller lives in Southern California. These people live among us.

The Itis Strikes Again

This Nutty Negro Itis epidemic must be stopped. You would think crab season was at a record high the way so many kooky Black folk suffering from diarrhea of the mouth and severe pain from the stupid stick that’s obviously gone upside their heads are running off at the mouth. The latest victim of this ongoing phenomenon is Bill Maxwell of the St. Petersburg Times, who assails Black people that have dared to embrace Barack Obama’s campaign over Hillary Clinton’s in a column entitled, “Phony Black Friends Ditch Sen. Clinton.” Catchy.

Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton should be leery of ever trusting the word of another black person, especially the word of elected officials, celebrities and other elites. She most certainly should never again trust the word of black preachers.

If you’re wondering: Yes, he’s serious.

To wit: While Obama was still wet behind the ears, Clinton was advocating for the Children’s Defense Fund, an organization that improved the lives of countless black children in urban and rural America.

She did so for a whopping year after law school. Then she went off to fight for the little guy via working for corporate law firms and serving on the board of Walmart.

When the U.S. Supreme Court of John Roberts last year rejected integration plans in two major public school districts in Louisville and Seattle, Clinton showed her disappointment in a speech shortly after the decision.

Hillary Clinton launched her career in politics as a “Goldwater Girl.” If you recall, Barry Goldwater vehemently opposed Civil Rights. Zoom, watch our savior go.

Whenever members of the Congressional Black Caucus needed extra clout to help them with black-related legislation, they turned to Clinton. When black leaders needed a powerful voice to add weight to a symbolic gesture, such as the commemoration of a civil rights cause or an event, they called Clinton. When they needed a keynote speaker for this or that gala, they called Clinton.

And then those no good coloreds just turned their back on Miss Hillary like the no good people they are. True enough she has done some good for women, children, and minorities, but who knew supporting righteous causes meant all those who benefited from it ought to offer indentured servitude to properly illustrate gratitude?

She had no way of knowing that reality would be turned on its head and that all of her good deeds and generosity would be forgotten and that many blacks would one day paint her as their enemy. She misjudged her supporters as did the character in Shakespeare’s play Henry VI, who said: “In thy face I see the map of honor, truth, and loyalty.”

Shakespeare? Would someone tell this Negro to please grow up. As far as I know Stephanie Tubbs-Jones, Maxine Waters, Sheila Jackson-Lee and several Black politicians are still supporting the Clinton sequel campaign. None of those women are passing, so are we a monolith or not?

Not all blacks have betrayed Clinton. Some have honorably, and courageously, stayed with her.

The honorable thing to do would be to drop Maxwell off in West Baltimore, South Houston, Bedstuy, or Compton in a Ronald Reagan t-shirt.

Win or lose, Hillary Clinton has earned the right to never trust the word of another black person. Somewhere between the Bible and the pseudo-wisdom of the barbershop, many blacks abandoned any sense of loyalty and betrayed a woman who has been a friend.

The same friend that allowed her husband, her surrogates, and her campaign managers to marginalize the first man of color to have a legitimate shot at becoming President as nothing more than a coke-abusing, fancy word using second-tier sequel to Jesse Jackson. The same woman married to the man responsible for welfare reform, harsher sentencing laws, and cuts in education that have left Black people with a generation that will soon make Soulja Boy look like Langston Hughes. With friends like that, who needs enemies? And with Black people like Bill Maxwell, who needs Rush Limbaugh, Rupert Murdoch, and Sean Hannity?

Let us join in prayer that Bill Maxwell’s keyboard commits suicide.

Dancing For Attention

While it’s great that Mario is finally getting some much needed national media attention, shouldn’t this season of Dancing with the Stars token R&B contestant be Omarion?

Mario is arguably one of the better male R&B vocalists to come out in years, but judging from the promotional efforts of his record label, he may likely end up being more known for his stint on a reality show than the good work he’s produced in the studio.

Isn’t that a bit…depressing? While “Crying Out For Me” continues to slowly struggle up the upper echelon of the Hot 100, Mario’s skillfully executed album, Go!, is a distant memory from the album charts.

Part of that is rooted in the poor setup for the album. Constant back-and-forth switches in first single choices; poor promotional launch of the album; even after the much forgotten first single picks up the steam, the label has done little to capitalize off its increasing airplay. Then there’s the idea to place him on a tour bill with Kelly Rowland – a tour that died before it even began.

You would think Marques Houston was his manager.

I saw his album on sale at Target for $7.87. Please tell me J Records purchased commercial time after Mario’s performance?

In an era of R&B where the majority of the male vocalists sound like victims of Newports, sore throat, or late puberty, wouldn’t it be awful if this becomes his biggest claim to fame?

Here’s What I Want Ya’ll To Do For Me


Well it’s that time of the quarter again: Y’know, beg ya’ll to spread the blog link around like an STD at an Uncle Luke event.

I know, I know: I sound like a Bad Boy artist asking for their publishing back.

I’ve been working on my sales pitch, though. Want to hear it? Here it go.

You don’t want to see me tossing on some hooker Air Max’s and doing a two-step on the ho stroll, do you? I didn’t think so. (Now if you nodded yes after reading that last sentence: that’s cold blooded, pimpin’.)

So, if you would be so kind as to forward this blog to your co-workers, classmates, and fellow internet whores like myself (but not whore in the freaky way; more like the information junkie, disease free mold), I would be most appreciative. Just spam them. You can title the email anything you’d like. I like “A Little Procrastination Never Hurt Nobody” myself.

Or if you know somebody that knows somebody that can assist in expanding the brand, feel free to title it: “Give This Colored Boy Some Work.”

Diablo Cody went from the pole to the blog to the Oscars because the right agent read her blog. I’ve been known to get low, but what if I decide to one day be the next Barack Obama (only less “We Are The World”-ish), I can’t have that on my record.

It’s not like I’m asking you to leave any money on the nightstand (but if you’re down for that, too, I have PayPal). I just want you to help the cause. C’mon nah. Do it for love.

Thank you.

She ought to try this approach herself.

Watch Out Will & Jada

Buffy Da Bodee and her boyfrand, Goochee Mane, posteded a veedeo from hurr innanet raallidy show, Buffy Da Bodee On Demann. En dis heer clep, Buffy triccd some nu rims off Goochee. N den, dey tawk bout musausages, pedeecoolers, in sum otha sheet.

Affta luking at dis, I got sum ?s 4 yaal:

1. Slavery is over, right?

2. No, for real. Do they know we’s free now, boss?

3. Am I the only one who wanted to call 1-800-ABCDEFG? after watching this?

4. Did you lose about 20 brain cells after listening to these two for four minutes?

5. Isn’t it amazing what butt injections, Remy hair, gold teeth, and smoking your education away can do for people these days?

6. Is Gucci moving bricks or something? How can he afford to buy Buffy that car? Did that many of ya’ll download the “Freaky Girl” ring tone?

7. The editor of this clip is dead wrong. Aren’t these two way hotter than Will and Jada? They’re at least giving Cruella Barrino and Young Dro a run for their pawn shop loan, right?

8. Should I feel bad that despite talking all of this noise, I understood everything they said?

9. Ya’ll do realize that thanks to No Child Left Behind and reality TV, there are going to be a whole generation of colored children speaking just like these two?

10. After watching this, are you thinking about grabbing your digital camera, and your local crackhead to shoot a pilot for a reality show, too?