Help Me: Hillary Clinton

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Dear Michael,

I just don’t get it. I am Hillary Rodham Clinton. Just who do these people think they are to tell me that I am not going to be the Democratic nominee? I have amassed over 35 years of experience and in my 35 years of experience, I have never seen anyone with 35 years of experience be insulted this way. Just because someone loses a couple dozen states, runs their campaign finances into the ground, and has no foreseeable way of overtaking the lead of the other candidate – the candidate without 35 years of experience, I might add – does not mean they’ve lost. It just means they’re being tested. And really, you might as well call me scantron, because no one has been tested more than me.

Do people really expect me to drop out just because there’s no way I can be the nominee without pissing a couple million people off?

I’m Hillary Rodham Clinton, bitch.

Wait, wait: I don’t think they heard me.

I will be the nominee. Do you know what all I’ve put into this campaign? I’ve spent mine and Bill’s money. I’ve kissed babies. I’ve dodged fake sniper fire. I’ve pretended to like beer, hunting, and race cars.

I’ve even had to fight a coffee machine. What is with those things anyway? When I become president – and don’t you dare give me that look because I will be President – I’m banning those things. They’re sexist! If any woman tells you she can use it, she’s probably not a real woman. Just like the white people that have voted for Barack Obama aren’t real white people.

REAL American white people don’t live in Iowa, Colorado, Utah, Montana, Maine, North Dakota, Kansas, or Alaska. REAL, hardworking, blue collar, white Americans live in Pennsylvania, Ohio, and Michigan so long as Barack Obama’s name isn’t on any ballots during their time of residence. Duh. They will only vote for me. ME. ME. ME.

And do you want to know why?

Hahaha. Yeah, you know why. Two words: Jesse Jackson. That’s something I learned in my 35 years of experience.

Let’s get real: This is as close to the presidency as members of his constituency is ever going to get.

So really, isn’t it time we stop pretending to follow the rules – which my husband and people who now work on my campaign wrote anyway – and hand me the nomination that is rightfully mine, so I can start preparing my campaign against John McCain?

I’m sure a couple of states will be put off that I no longer consider them a part of the union because they didn’t vote for me, but we all have to be punished for our mistakes. Who still lives in Missouri and North Carolina anyway?

And yes, I realize a lot of African Americans will be angry that the first Black person with a “legitimate” chance at becoming President has to be told to accept my birthright and concede the race to me, but really, what will you all do? Not vote for a Democrat? Please.

If it helps, maybe I can get Bill to go on BET and do that little Superman dance Chelsea keeps telling me about. That should settle that.

Meanwhile, I’ll be on Univision with America Ferrara pandering to expanding my base.

I just want to say that I don’t hold any grudges. I understand the power of a great speech. But now is the time to get real and fall in line. I am the next President of the United States. Deal with it and perhaps I’ll let you keep your citizenship. Help me tell others to do the same.

After that, go to and help me pay back myself.

I am Hillary Clinton and I approve of this message.

Dear Hillary,

You are lucky I don’t hit women or get shot by Secret Service, because I’ve been wanting to dropkick you for a couple of months now.

Oh that’s right, you’re a ‘fighter.’ Knuck if you buck, witch.

I used to like you, but now I’m considering donating to whoever runs against you when your Senate seat is up for reelection.

Yeah, I said it.

Let’s just face facts: You lost.


Do you know what that mean? And before you even try to brand me a sexist, I’m a gender neutral bitch basher.

Your campaign is broke. No matter what happens in the next couple of contests, it’s not going to change the fact that there’s no way you can catch up with Obama in the delegate count and the popular vote. I avoid math like STDs and I still know that. Unless Reverend Wright drops a mixtape that offers some sort of diss track against white folk featuring Barack Obama, I don’t see the superdelegates taking the risks of handing you the nomination.

Accept it.

Your own people aren’t fooling with you anymore.

Supporters and opponents alike maneuvered to get face time, whether it was 73-year-old Rep. James L. Oberstar (D-Minn.) patiently waiting his turn or Rep. Alcee L. Hastings (D-Fla.), a Clinton supporter, giving Obama a big hug.

Rep. Yvette Clarke (D-N.Y.) had the man autograph today’s copy of the NY Daily News. (Cover: “It’s his Party.”) Reps. Charles B. Rangel (D-N.Y.), a Clinton backer, and Jesse Jackson Jr. (D-Ill.) gave him bear hugs on the floor, as well.

I know, I know. It hurts. I could call you Lawry’s right now, couldn’t I?

Even Republicans were star-struck. Rep. Illeana Ros-Lehtinen (R-Fla.) said she was escorting a group of elementary school students onto the House floor when Obama made his entrance.

Ros-Lehtinen said the children noticed the presidential hopeful and screamed, “It’s Barack Obama!” in unison. The congresswoman then led the students across the aisle and over to Obama, who chatted briefly with the three students.

“The kids were very excited,” said Ros-Lehtinen. “Like rock star excited.”

Speaking of kids, look what happens when children get around you:

Now look at them with Obama:

You are the mean old lady to kids, and you’re the crazy woman to us all.

And don’t be surprised if some of these “real Americans” you speak of turn on you. Indeed, there are some whites who will fall right into you and your husband’s race baiting antics, but not all. Some might even be offended at the suggestion that they will never vote for a Black man. But as a regular ole Scranton gal from Illinois, Arkansas, and New York (and who knows where else by June), one would assume you knew that.

If you had run a much more organized campaign, you would be the nominee. If you hadn’t been so divisive in your approach to campaigning, perhaps your negatives wouldn’t have reached all time highs and people would still tolerate you. But, because you decided to be yourself, you’ve reinforced every negative stereotype people had about you. And thank God for that. I knew you weren’t shit.

Look at you. Five dollars, Hill? You might as well hold your next fundraiser at the corner store.

You would think with “35 years of experience,” you would have learned to run a real presidential campaign. That’s what you get for underestimating Barack Obama and running an arrogant, incompetent, unorganized campaign.

It’s now time to go sit your silly ass down somewhere.


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