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Twenty-seven years ago a man with dreams of becoming the Berry Gordy remix and a woman with Supreme aspirations got together to create a child they could both live vicariously through.

And God, am I so grateful for them for doing so. Happy Birthday to one of my generation’s greatest performers and bedazzlers. Don’t ask me what I mean by bedazzlers — I just feel like whenever you talk about Beyonce, you have to interject that word somewhere.

One of my friends called Beyonce a bitch yesterday. As blasphemous a thing as that is to say, Beyonce stans have to remember that some people fight their better senses. When some people see her sing beautifully and coochie pop her way through one of her noteworthy performances, they don’t get it or at least they refuse to. That’s why you sometimes have to shove someone down their throats. Sure, it may irritate them at first, but eventually they give in…and when it comes to Beyonce, give in they will.

OK, let me stop posting like I’m sitting beside Yolanda Saldavar. It’s Beyonce’s birthday, so here are some gifts I want to send her.

1. A date with a masseuse. She needs one for all of the years she’s carried people on her back.

2. A new fan. After a while, even the best fan can lose its power blowing all of that blonde weave for effect.

3. A pair of scissors. She needs to cut her hair because we need a change. Word to Obama.

4. An extra biscuit two-piece. She’s given us so much. We should give back to her for a change.

5. A gift certificate to L’Oreal. She ought to get this stuff for free, but apparently Solange cashed out all of her coupons a few years ago when she rocked those multi-colored braids. After I used ‘the Google’ I discovered L’Oreal has a variety of hair coloring products. Beyonce should try to find a new look to go with her shorter hair. Or hell, if she wants to use the scissors to cut Kelly’s gripe on her, that’s fine, too. Just get another hair color. Something new. Something different. Something actually shocking…

…because that isn’t it, Queen Bee. Love you, but I’m just saying you looked like that in 2006, 2006, 2004, and 2003. I’m more shocked the people of India and Asia haven’t signed an international treaty to stop selling you that hair color.

6. A all-expense paid trip to Borders. That way we won’t have that expression after reading and/or watching one of her interviews.

7. Letting her breathe. This means you, hating ass hater. Roots are real, ya dig?

Yeah, I’m done now. She doesn’t need anymore gifts. She’s already rich as hell and married to someone even richer.

Now say happy birthday!

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