Fashion Rocks

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If you were looking for a review of the VMAs from me, in sum: It was like watching an old dog that needed to be put to sleep.

Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, it seems like all of the artists that probably should have been booked for the MTV Video Music Awards/Hills celebration party decided to take Sunday off and just stick to the Fashion Rocks taping last Friday instead.

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Rihanna really sucks as a performer. I thought she was getting better, but lately she’s been performing with about as much enthusiasm as people laying in caskets. Beauty doesn’t always prevent boredom, Rih-Rih. Surprised Madonna hasn’t put a hex on her yet.

I haven’t decided on how I feel about Beyonce’s version of “At Last.” I appreciate that she didn’t extend the song by seven minutes the way Christina Aguilera is known to, but I’m not sure if I love it. I was more impressed by her speaking voice during the tribute video. Don’t knock her speech coach game.

As for Etta James: That is somebody’s fly grandma.

I’ve come to appreciate Chris Brown the performer. There I said it. Actually, I’ve said it before so leave me be, Breezy bitches. Now that Usher has fallen off, who else do I have to look forward to? Ne-Yo the Negro is not an acceptable answer. Anyway, while Chris tricks his money off on Rihanna, it wouldn’t kill him to sign her up for a dance class.

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I’ve seen people in wheelchairs shake it harder than Duffy, but I don’t care: Her song knocks and she can sing. Step your rehab game up, Amy Wino.

Having Justin Timberlake take part in a Motown tribute is like serving tofu at a soul food place. Kidding, kidding. He was alright.

Mariah Carey was introduced as someone that’s made some of the most danceable music of our time. Right, and Marilyn Manson is the world’s most underrated gospel artist. I guess one could make that claim if you call big ballds you can wave your hand to dance music. Personally, I’m still trippin’ off the promo shot she used for this performance. Does she really think she looks anything like that?

Nicole should really let those other girls in the group speak. They do her the great favor of masking the fact that she can’t dance and is relatively boring by herself on stage. Shouldn’t they get some reward?

I didn’t mind the poster child for media training’s performance as much people did. She did sing like she just inhaled a 200 pound man, but outside of that I thought she looked good and had a lot of energy. I wouldn’t get up on stage and do the robot, but maybe that works for some people.

And last and certainly least, the Black Eyed Peas. Whenever I see them perform I feel like an Urban Outfitters ad has come to life. Next.

All and all the only thing missing from Fashion Rocks was actual fashion.

There you go. Will try to do better with the updates this week.

Videos spotted at That Grape Juice/The Celebrity Network.

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