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She’s got Slick Rick’s eyepatch, the Roadrunner’s hairstyle, the swagger of Zuul from Ghostbusters and enough fire to put down California for good, but I’m still bored out of my mind when watching a Rihanna performance.

I get that she’s pretty and while not being a bugawolf is always a good thing, at the same time shouldn’t her performances be more engaging by now? I was honestly more drawn to the fact that she looks like the son of Prince than anything else.

I gave her props for no longer sounding like Billy Goat Gruff, but she still has the intensity level of a narcoleptic. In short, she is the Eeyore of Pop Music.

Now, I know you Rihanna stans are ready to get slick with me for backsliding, but it is what it is. She has to stop relying on pretty.

By the way:

Oh bother.

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If ya like it… from Katy Perry on Vimeo.

I kinda don’t get the appeal of Katy Perry, but there must be something to her because it doesn’t seem like she’s going away anytime soon. Granted, I just learned her name like a few weeks ago but it seems to be the year of the average singer, below average dancer so she’s on it. But judging from her interpretation of “Single Ladies,” hopefully the next girl she kisses leaves the taste of rhythm on her breath.

P.S. Apparently “Hot or Cold” has been this huge hit for the longest. Yeah, I’m only hearing it now as I type. Yikes. Ya’ll suck for blowing this up.

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Merry B’Day, people. I tried to explain to some people that today is a holiday, but a few of them (only a few — game recognize game, for the most part) gave me the side eye. I told them they were acting like Solange. Don’t be petty, ya’ll. Bask in the moment.

Today is the day we honor the Queen by giving her our money. If you say to yourself, “That b-tch is already rich!” you are a hater, pimp. Maybe that excuse works for everyone else, but not Beyonce. Why? Well there are some things in life we just can’t explain. Other things have no real explanation — a person simply makes some shit up and pretend it makes all the sense in the world.

I don’t care which one you choose to believe as long as you go buy her album. I would suggest the double disc version. I’m more of a fan of Sasha. She seems like the type that will get drunk and show the stripper how to really work the pole. And when she eats Popeyes, she won’t feel bad about it. These days the other one seems like she’s currently eating a lettuce flatbread sandwich listening to Sheryl Crow.

Now should you choose not to buy her album and actually tell me you downloaded it without throwing $9.99 – $13.99 (get it on sale, folks) to the crown, I’m reporting you to the RIAA. My friend made that mistake last night. She ought to be getting a little notice soon. Don’t do Bee.

If you’re reading this and thinking to yourself, I sound Yolanda Saldavar-ish, you’re not being fair. I would never take a job from Kelly Rowland. She needs all the work she can get these days. It’s merely that Beyonce has been so good to us, we ought to return the favor.

Janet’s got major headaches, and judging from her last couple of albums, a serious ear injection. Ciara or Super C seems to be having both an identity crisis and a case of wackitis. Rihanna is pretty, but she doesn’t have the thighs of power like Beyonce. And Mya, well see the previous post. I would name other people if it were still 1998, but it’s not so why bother.

Beyonce is the best we have. Enjoy her now before has Jigga’s little Kool cigarettes and spreads like Chaka Khan. So if the mood strikes you to dance in the street, the sidewalk, the gym, or Target, go with it. I do that all the time.

P.S. A friend just recommended I do a rendition to “Single Ladies” and post it on YouTube. I would rather let my balls play in the California wildfires than do some shit like that. I celebrate with a receipt, a biscuit, and a jig.

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I wonder when you fall to the bottom as hard as Mya has does it leave an imprint on your ass. I really like Mya, but even if this video is only for Japan, I don’t see that song making them go crazy in Tokyo. The track itself sounds like it was designed for a Disney artist, and the video looks like it should have concluded with, “Come to Jamaica.”

If you say you like this video, you were looking at her thighs the entire time. Now since we know Mya’s video cost $7.89 (and some cornbread) to make, what do you think she should she have spent that money on?

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I have been a wayward stan lately. I didn’t instantly fall in love with “If I Were A Boy” and “Single Ladies” got boring after about three days. I was beginning to unite with the folks that said they have grown tired of Beyonce. I’ve since snapped out of that, though. Thank God. A lot of people ‘sick of Beyonce’ are still waiting for Arrested Development to reunite, or actually believe Brandy can make a comeback. Who wants to be on that side? Craig Mack and Tiny?

When I heard disc one of Beyonce’s new album, I almost fell into a coma. The second she announced she was doing a double album, I thought she was finally going to give me that soul album she promised. Yeah, “If I Were A Boy” is not soul and that’s the most soulful track of an otherwise vapid and underwhelming set of songs. Her voice sounds stronger than ever, but it’s not enough to prevent me from reaching for a pillow. The bulk of those tracks sound like they were snatched from Leona Lewis. I don’t know about ya’ll, but I’m tired of so many R&B singers watering down their sound in an attempt to cross over.

Mary’s done it. Alicia did it the last go ’round. Chris Brown tried it with “Forever.” The only person who has done it and I encourage to keep at it is Rihanna. Everyone else either needs to stop trying to pass out folk rock, techno, and uber pop as R&B or ask to be stocked in another section.

While the first album hasn’t grown on me yet, it didn’t take long for me to get into Sasha. People have told me I tend to like the more ign’t, club ready songs. One person called me a bird. I resent that. I am not a rooster. It’s just that Beyonce was made for twirkin’.

See. Beyonce’s so bad she got the white girl breaking into convulsions live on stage. Between this and Beyonce deciding that it’s OK to have a personality again, I’m back in love.

When she went on tour last year, I decided that I was going to save my money. I had just graduated from college and I was looking for work. I thought I was being responsible. I will never be dumb enough to make a mistake like that again. I’m ready for the tour; I’ll just hit up food court when she decides to perform the slower songs.

I Am…Sasha Fierce may not be her best album, but as a performer, what else is out there? Don’t say Rihanna. That’s like comparing an IMAX feature to a bootleg.

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Although I liked her first album, I was reluctant to buy Keyshia Cole’s sophomore effort. I had no doubts that it would be good; I just wasn’t sure if I wanted to throw my money behind a bitch.

Bitch might not be the most politically correct term, but it applies…or so I thought. Word got out early that Keyshia wasn’t always the nicest person to interview or greet at the mall. I myself heard a couple of interviews where she seemed salty as hell with the DJ for no apparent reason. You can be the best singer in the world, but if you have a stank attitude or have some other character flaw that’s hard to ignore (e.g. Amy’s drug addiction), I likely won’t support you monetarily. That might not be right, but hell, it’s my money.

With Keyshia, though, I’ve always been conflicted. Sometimes you really want to like her because there’s so much to like. Then you’re sent a YouTube clip of her sucking her teeth, hissing, and rolling her eyes at an interviewer and you’re left thinking, “The fuck wrong with her?”

As much as I love Mary J. Blige, I knew how nasty she used to be. But I chalked all that up to her past relationship with a pipe. I didn’t get Keyshia’s excuse. That wasn’t fair of me; people aren’t born with a chip on their shoulder. Someone help put it there.

After watching the season premiere of her reality series, I understand exactly what was wrong with her. Then I realized I’m in no position to hold any of that against her. I can be a wee bit too harsh on people. To the point that I should look into shutting up sometimes (only sometimes, though — don’t get too hopeful).

Maybe I was too blinded by her crackhead mama’s antics for it to dawn on me: I know this fool. Not personally, but I know her kind all too well. The type of person that mistreats their own but acts like they’re the victim. The kind of person that demands respect yet has made no real effort to earn it. It’s someone that refuses to grow up. People laugh at them, tell you how great they are, but they don’t have to live with them, so they miss the whole picture. They don’t know how draining these people are and how angry they can make you.

After noticing the parallels I realized that maybe the way some people describe Keyshia is probably how a few looked at me. I’m not that rude, but I’m sure the longer you know me you begin to realize that there’s a reason why I am the way I am. And when they learn the source of it, people are so quick to tell me to ‘let it go.’ It’s really hard to listen to them – because none of them have ever had to deal with anything like that personally. It’s even harder to be so quick to forgive someone when they’re doing the exact same bullshit that pissed you off to begin with.

I admire Keyshia for what she’s trying to do with her mother. I abandoned my own efforts to be that forgiving a long time ago. I’ve made significant progress over the years, but I know that never fully letting certain things go has stifled my growth in some ways. While I still wonder if it might be in her best interest to keep her distance, I can’t be mad at Keyshia for trying so hard to have an ideal family life.

I’ve read some of the criticism about her show. How ghetto it is, how negative the depictions are, and how it will all lead to the destruction of Black people. The Cosby enthusiasts of the world are mad, ain’t they? But Keyshia’s reality is just that, and by her putting herself out there in that way she’s indirectly aidinh people with similar struggles.

I ended up not buying Just Like You after I heard some interview Keyshia did with a Baltimore radio station. Her attitude turned me off. But now that I understand her a little more, I won’t hold an occasional slip-up against her. She’s trying, so I need to judge my decision based on what really matters: That wack ass years old song with 2 Pac she dropped. You would think as much as she hears ‘man down,’ she would connect the two and opt for something more current.

I’m clowning, but if I don’t end up buying this new album, the decision will be based on the music. I appreciate Keyshia — enough to where I think I may finally get around to buying that second album.

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I know, I know: I’ve been a bad blogger. A very bad blogger. In my defense…eh, I don’t really have one. Just sing-a-long and forgive me until I add new posts, please?

P.S. When I was a kid, I wanted to be Mr. Dalvin. He didn’t sing nann line, yet a majority of Jodeci fans loved him the most. Probably because he didn’t look like he just tongued down a crack pipe. Whatever the case, when it was time to play front the R&B singer, I chose Dalvin. He just seemed like the coolest one of the four. That is, until he released that solo album. Yikes.

Aight, enjoy the flashback, ya’ll. I’m coming, I’m coming.

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On Saturday I stumbled along a marathon of Keyshia Cole’s reality show. Watching Keyshia discover new and interesting things like a thesaurus not being a dinosaur and learn the magic of wearing one color of weave at a time has me really geeked about what’s next for the show.

To see her progress from someone who probably hid a blade under her tongue to someone who now likely keeps a more demure pink colored shank is inspiring. And before any of ya’ll even take it there, it’s OK to read the New York Times op-ed pages and watch an ex-crack head get drunk and twirk on TV.

Now, back to the show, judging from the clips I see Keyshia and co. will still be having some of the same arguments, but I’m wondering about a few others things.

Will Frankie keep acting like she deserves a medal for staying clean for at least 48 hours?

Will Frankie keep ignoring her choice to smoke crack and dick in the alley instead of raising her child while complaining that her kids don’t love her enough?

How many times will Neffe yell in a single episode?

Will Neffe seek treatment for LaTonya Blige disease?

How many more times will Frankie say “Holla!?”

Will someone finally teach her a new phrase to repeat to death?

Note: I suggest “look back at it.”

Will Keyshia realize her family looks at her like a winning lotto ticket?

How often will Keyshia Cole’s ass appear? It reminds me of a deadbeat dad: It only shows up when it feels like it.

When is the spin-off premiering?

Oh, and that whole daddy thing. Bless Keyshia’s heart for thinking a crackhead mama and a possible Italian father makes you Mariah Carey’s little sister.

OK, so maybe it sounds like I’m going hard on Keyshia, but I love her. That is, when she’s not bitching out radio people. Anyway, what I like most about this is show is that whenever I think about how screwed up and made-for-TV movie ready my family is, I can watch Keyshia Cole’s kinfolk and know it could be a lot worse.

It comes on tomorrow. Don’t act at least seven of ya’ll will be tuning in with me.

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I could lie and say I respect everyone’s opinion, but that isn’t true. I respect the right of people to say the dumbest shit they can think of out loud if the feeling strikes them, but I don’t have to respect any given opinion itself.

Case in point this comment left by anonymous (I love it when people say stuff like this under anonymity):

to even compare gays to black is ignorant. its wrong and it will always be wrong to be gay. no one said they couldn’t be together, have civil unions or domestic partnership you just can’t get married. that is between a man and a woman. sorry. :(

1. Yeah, I didn’t compare the struggles of gay people to that of Blacks. One group was enslaved, the other wasn’t. I’m well aware of the differences. What I pointed out was the irony in one minority group helping push the discrimination of another.

In no way did I imply denying a marriage license to Bow Wow and Omarion is the same thing as making them work the fields and telling them they’re not a whole person.

Discrimination is discrimination. That was my point in case it was missed.

Read. If you didn’t catch it the first time, read it again.

2. Actually, people are saying civic unions and domestic partnerships are wrong are actively campaigning to do away with them, hence some states trying to do away with common law marriages so any possibly legal points gay marriage advocates can make will become null and void. Honestly, I don’t think churches should be forced to marry any type of couple, though when it comes to the state officiating, mind yours.

3. I don’t think many people understand the true history of marriage. It’s cute that Hallmark sold you the dream that it’s always been about love and commitment, but that’s about as true as the notion that originally big nose, nappy haired Michael Jackson bust a nut in a woman (ha!) and created two 110% white babies. Marriage was born out of the need to establish property rights. It was about love alright…love of $$$. Propose to your significant other with a deed if you’re that hung up on tradition.

4. ‘Being gay is wrong.’ So is not having a clue, yet idiots run amok. It is what it is.

Some of my best friends are some of the most religious people on the planet. My family is extremely religious. As much as I love all those people, there a whole lot of ya’ll that don’t know your Bible from your condom wrapping.

There are some people I know who know their stuff, and that I can respect. I don’t have to agree with you, but I do appreciate people taking the time to educate themselves on their belief system.

Then you have everyone else, which makes up the majority. The folks that don’t know shit but profess to be Biblical scholars because they sit in the pews of the church every week. They ‘know’ Christianity, yet can’t tell you anything substantive, but they can damn sure tell you “My pastor says” when challenged.

One of my biggest gripes is that far too many people use religion as an excuse to not think for themselves. Or think at all, for that matter. I’m not God, but I imagine if God wanted play things that just stood there brainless God would’ve beat Mattel to create the Barbie and Ken Dolls. Then again maybe a lot of these people walking around are just defective models.

Maybe it doesn’t seem like it, but I make a real effort on here and in person to try to scale back my harsher opinions in an effort not to offend. Sometimes I don’t know why I bother given most people don’t make that same effort.

I could go on and on and on about this, but to be honest, I doubt the point would even shine through. People wouldn’t stop eating shrimp, they wouldn’t look the history of the word abomination, nor would they see that those who work on the Sabbath are stoned to death. They wouldn’t kill their disobeying kids, widows wouldn’t marry their dead husband’s brother, and they surely wouldn’t turn over all of their money to the poor.

No, everyone will sit there and be a hypocrite. I’m glad Obama got elected, but limiting the rights of others be it gays, women, or Blacks (look up the legislation thrown out there this year) is wrong.

Just as wrong and hypocritical as a white convicted felon getting re-elected to the Senate when we all know if a Black man were in that same predicament he probably wouldn’t be allowed to vote let alone run for any public office. People only object to double standards when it affects them personally.

I believe in God but I don’t think the Devil is some clown with horns in a tight ass red suit. It’s a dumb ass hiding between anonymity and a Bible they don’t read let alone understand to excuse mistreatment of the next person.

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Hey, Michael!

So, I don’t know if you’ve heard, but Diddy decided that he wanted to take Danity Kane in another direction – Dawn’s. He wished me well – or told me to go to hell, I can’t remember – but whatever I’m not in the group anymore. I’m totally on my own now.

Of course, all the girls are still friends. You know, the kind where you don’t call, you don’t write, and you avoid whenever you see at parties unless they catch you leaving a stall in the bathroom. Like totally that.

Now that that chapter of my life is over, I’m trying to plan ahead, and I could really use some advice. Diddy told me my attitude would be my downfall, but what does he know? He’s been using my personality to make child support payments.

Then again, a lot of the blogs have been talking trash and I gotta get people to realize I’m the same girl they met a couple of years ago.

I’m tired of people calling me a hoe. Like what is that? Just because you see me with:


Him.


Or him.


Or this guy…hmm, what’s his name? I don’t know, boy #3.


Bachelor #4.


The boss.


And Donnie, but c’mon, Donnie? You know he wasn’t getting that.


She saw more of me than he ever did.

Anyway people even talk about my friends. What is that about?

I mean these are good girls I hang out with.


Kim is such a sweet girl. She just happens to have a sex tape. Oh and Jenna Jameson, I mean yeah she’s a porn star, but it’s commerce, not Chlamydia. She’s totally clean, and sweet. Why am I a hoe for just being friends with them? It’s not like I have a sex tape yet.

People can be so judgmental.


I got totally trashed for this. I mean this is art! Do you know how long it took them to paint on that tan? Geez.


And this is performance art! It’s so not fair. Why don’t people focus on the positive?


Like me doing Broadway. What, blogs can talk about me not wearing any panties or me and Kim doing sexy poses but they can’t talk about me on stage?

Really, I’m just a girl who wants to have fun, make some new friends, and sing. If I just so happen to end up with my own reality show then call it good luck, right?

See it’s the same Aubrey give or take 20 pounds. What can I do to get people to realize that?

Dear Aubrey,

That last picture is proof of two important life lessons: Water is your friend. Whatever you’ve been eating isn’t.

As far as getting people to believe you’re the same old Aubrey: If you want people to believe you’re the same Aubrey, you need to go dig her out of the closet you locked her in.

If that option isn’t available I encourage you to file domestic abuse charges against life, time, and vodka.


It’s obvious they all jumped your ass.

You’re right about Kim Kardashian. She does seem like a sweet girl. But, she gained pseudo-fame from her association with Paris Hilton. You can tell the world that you wouldn’t even touch a penis wrapped in a winning Powerball ticket if you’re not married and folks will automatically hoe you down by association.

I try not to be too stuck on the adage, “You are who you hang with it,” but in a lot of ways, it’s true. Is it true for you? I can’t say, but you rolling with a porn star and posing like you have a Kwik-E-Mart between your legs isn’t really helping your ‘I ain’t a hoe’ cause.

Now onto your career or what’s left of it. Look, you’re out of shape, Britney is back, so pop superstardom doesn’t seem to be in the cards for you. If the 70s coke whore look were in, you’d be on it. Too bad, so sad.

If I were you, I would take a bath, lose the Dolly Parton meets Courtney Love hairstyles, and try and book a reality show. You are extra as hell, but it made far better TV than Dawn and Que’s awkward love. That may have gotten you the boot, but hey, there are always other cameras.

Remember Dove Cares,

Michael
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