Get By

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If you’re somewhere between the age of 18-34 and belong to a social network, it’s likely within the last week you’ve received at least seven notes and/or emails with someone telling you 25 things about themselves that you didn’t know before. I thought to join in, but eh I doubt ya’ll care. So instead of me going that route I’ve remixed the theme.

Here are 20 jobs you ought to consider during the recession. If you’re looking for the other five…well, we are in a severe recession.

1. Selling ass.

Look, I get that the body is a temple, and that hoeing is not the ideal career choice, but since we’re talking about temples, dignity doesn’t pay the rent.

2. Stripping.

Same as selling ass, only this option is for those who haven’t hit rock bottom yet. The only thing about this job is though working the pole will surely keep you with a home, in these tough economic times you may end up having people hurl roles of quarters at you instead of singles. It may hurt at first, but think of Coinstar.

3. Selling drugs.

Problem with this one is that it’s illegal. Technically so is prostitution, but whatever to persecuting victimless crimes. Anyway, another hurdle is that while selling coke is usually the best way to keep you afloat, people would rather pay their VISA bill. I thought to suggest crack, but hmm, there’s a bit of a discrepancy in the sentencing laws. As a Black man, I’m no fool. Sell Advil to stress victims instead.

4. Sponsorship.

Unlike selling ass, you may not have to give up anything. I’m looking for one everyday of my life. That includes corporations, of course.

5. Cutting grass.

You can call it ‘landscaping’ if that makes you feel better about it, but you’re pushing a lawn mower. I remember back in high school my Pre-Cal teacher told me I was going to end up cutting grass for pursuing a journalism degree. I told him he had me fucked up. Yes, I said it exactly like that. All of the magnet kids (I wasn’t one of them) gasped, but shiiiiit, that was offensive. Then again, maybe not. I’ve noticed that while Pedro and ‘nem may look like they’re not stacking paper, they tend to live in better homes than the people they cut for.

6. Recycling newspapers.

I say recycle instead of selling them because no one actually buys the paper anymore. No offense, New York Times.

7. Open a taqueria.

I honestly don’t have a clue as to what that is, but I see signs for them all around my city. Hell, every city with a sizable population. It’s the new Kim’s Beauty Supply.

8. Launch a rap career.

Oh you thought I was kidding about Young Sinick? No. All I need to do now is come up with a signature dance and a beat that sounds like it was inspired by down syndrome and I’ll be getting that ringtone money. I’m feeling inspired by the “Stanky Leg.” Maybe I can my dance the lazy arm, or better yet, turrets?

9. Become a bartender.

It’s selling drugs the legal way.

10. Participate in medical studies.

If you grow an extra toe, just think of all of the bills you paid off.

11. Get knocked up by Diddy Puff.

Ladies, I normally would judge you for poking a hole through a condom, but judging from his 79 kids I don’t think he wears them anyway.

12. Become Lil’ Wayne’s cup holder.

Seems like steady work.

13. Join a reality show.

Granted, you won’t make anything on the show, but if you act the fool enough on the cameras, you can make money off club appearances. Or even get your own spin-off.

14. Become the bootleg man.

Although I say bootleg man, women, you’re just as welcomed. In fact, two weeks ago at the gas station somebody’s mama was trying to sell me Tyler Perry Goes To Jail. No, she didn’t really have it, but she was trying to fill up her tank and get up on that Tuesday special at Church’s across the street. I ain’t mad. Just don’t bootleg my shit in the future.

15. Lose your mind and start getting a check from the government.

Major, the neighborhood crackhead and schizophrenic walks around all day asking people to buy him a beer. Turns out, his crazy ass gets a check. Whether or not he knows this is still a mystery, but hey, disability is steady income. Take your meds and you’ll survive.

16. Sell Obama t-shirts.

Dude already has like 100+ shirts on the market. Not even including the ones with the ironed own images and letters. He is the new 2 Pac. Get it on the money.

17. Sell sperm/eggs.

My only problem with this is that I get the feeling as soon as I make my first million, 88 kids claiming to be mine would pop up for back child support. Women get more for eggs than men do for sperm. I’ve heard women have sold their eggs for upwards of several thousand dollars. Men probably only get enough to buy two knock off Obama tees.

18. Work at a restaurant.

Then steal the meat and become your very own grocery store.

19. Become a nanny.

My friend told me yesterday she saw a listing for a nanny for $75,000. Babysitting little bad ass pale kids pays, ya’ll.

20. Get a rich person to adopt you.

Different than having a sugar daddy and mama in that you’re getting tossed a little cash to be someone’s tax break and won’t have to hum “Touch My Body” to would be prospective buyers.

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