25 Reasons To Read Me

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I didn’t plan on doing this, but I feel like I’ve been tagged 25 times so I might as well share my 25. Ya’ll ignored my other post. I guess some of you are above turning tricks for cash. Whatever. The Senate doesn’t have enough votes to pass the stimulus bill so you may want to reconsider.

Now if you’re my Facebook friend, you read this already but feel free to pretend you haven’t.

Alright. Here it goes:

1. For some odd reason, people seem to think I’m a lot more cultured than I actually am. Some folks seem to think I walk around all day with a silver spoon in my mouth, listening to smooth jazz as I watch the BBC on the telly. Yeah, I can read, but I wake up every morning and listen to some ign’t shit. In fact, yesterday I was trying to do the stanky leg while I was brushing my teeth.

2. Whenever one of my brother’s friends tell him I seem so sophisticated, he tells them I’m a ghetto hoe. He may be right. After a couple of drinks they tend to see me in a button down jiggin’ throwing up Hiram Clarke. But why can’t I be both?

3. Although I love being a proud member of the thin boy crew, I’m starting to think I’ve gotten too small. I’ve morphed from the Pilsbury Dough Boy to the Jolly Green Giant. Don’t get me wrong, I’m still sessy and shit, but I need to keep my weight up.

4. I love my nieces more than anything. Oh wait, ya’ll probably already know that. Well, sometimes, they make me want to have my own children. Who wants to give me some pretty babies?

5. For the life of me, I don’t understand why white folks get locs. I’m looking outside my window and I see somebody with them now. I’m so tempted to ask him was Bob Marley [that] important to you? I swear I’m not racist. In fact, I don’t like anyone. Promise.

6. My dad looks like Katt Williams. I don’t quite know how I feel about that.

7. If I had my body in tip top shape, I’d be a stripper right now. I’m dead ass serious.

8. People have told me I should model. My response is usually, “I’m not loaning you any money!” If I could just lease the body to do it until I could get it on my own, I’d consider it.

9. I always feel like I’m behind my friends. I don’t fear that I’ll fail. I worry that it will take too long for me to make it.

10. People tell me I look unapproachable, but I can’t understand why. Bitch, I’m friendly, hoe.

11. A lot of my partying from 2005 and 2006 is a complete blur to me. Just last week someone reminded me that I proposed to a bartender with a ring pop. I have no idea where I got the ring pop from because I don’t eat candy.

12. I used to rip off Babyface when I wrote songs around the age of 9. In fact, I could sing my ass off up until about 12. Now I only sound mildly tolerable once every 7 years and when that happens, my throat hurts after. <^> puberty.

13. I only dance after a couple of drinks. I was so self-conscious about dancing that I never did. I always felt like I couldn’t dance. So when you see me on the floor, be proud — I’m overcoming my fears (sponsored by Vodka).

14. I am clumsy as hell. If you’ve walked near me and I ran into you, don’t think it’s due to me being too small and the wind blowing me over. Just be happy I’m not fat anymore so I couldn’t crush you.

15. I listen to Kut Klose’s “I Like” as if it came out a week ago. I just turned it on after writing that. I feel sorry for whoever is about to hear me sing the bridge.

16. I understand that I sometimes am not a bastion of optimism, but I don’t think I’m a negative person at all. I think if you truly listen to me, you’ll know that I’m a closet idealist trying to hold on. I believe I’m doing a decent job of it.

17. I rarely eat BBQ, I haven’t had pork or beef in 7 years, I only like chicken strips, wings, and sandwiches, and watermelon is nasty to me. Barack isn’t the only one breaking stereotypes.

18. I worry sometimes that I will end up alone. There. I said it.

19. When I was 19 a priest stopped me in the middle of confession to tell me he saw a priest in me. I thought he had cataracts. I actually did think about becoming a priest once, though. I was maybe 11…after my dreams of a singing career died.

20. I believe in God, but after that it gets a little murky after a little research. I think I’ll find my way but it really bothers me when people try to demonize me when I’m probably more versed in their own faith than they are. I am a good person that tries to do right by people. Let God handle me.

21. I secretly (that is, until now) want to try doing stand-up. I don’t know what happened because I used to act up until high school, but I sometimes act like I’m ‘too cool.’ I’m just too aware is all. I know, I suck for that.

22. I used to be a 2 Pac stan until I grew up and realized he was basically trying to play Bishop up until the day he died. Denzel ain’t got shit on ‘Pac.

23. I regret that I didn’t see my grandparents enough. I miss them so much. May they both rest in peace.

24. At my funeral, I want them to play “Get Me Bodied,” “Pimpin’ The Pen,” and Yolanda Adams just in case. Should I invite someone named Akbar and chubby Asian dude, too? Kidding, ya’ll.

25. I react about as well to rejection as Star Jones’ body did to her gastric bypass.

Bonus: The other nite my niece texted me (yes, [ya’ll] are getting old) “I Luv u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

It made me feel like a billionaire.

Oh yeah: For the first time in a long time I feel like I’m living and not simply existing.

Damn, I forgot the best one: I prefer drinking straight from the bottle. Saves water! I learned from Captain Planet!

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