Help Me: Keri Hilson

Dear Michael,

I am so excited about my album dropping. I’m very proud of it. I can’t wait for the world to hear it. I’m a musical flower child and I’m so glad the world will finally get to learn that when they hear In A Perfect World…in stores, thank you. Not an advanced copy or some bootleg zip file of tracks. The real thing! Like for real, for real.

I was beginning to think Polow and Tim were going to have to beg Jesus to jump on a track for the label to get a set release date, but finally I’m here!

There’s one problem, though.

I’m sure you’ve heard about it by now, but let me just reiterate: I was not talking about Beyonce or Ciara, or Keyshia Cole, or Rihanna. I was talking about my haters in general. But no one believes me! I don’t understand why.

Oh…that. What?! I was only explaining that they took me off the “Love In This Club” remix for Beyonce and that she doesn’t write her everything she touches. It’s not like I came out and said the bitch ain’t God. They asked a question, and I answered it.

“Check the credits hoe?” I mean, my name isn’t even there on “Love In This Club” remix so why would I be talking about Beyonce then, huh, huh, huh? Oh…the go have some babies thing.

You know, that could be about any singer with a uterus.

Alright, so I laughed at that a little bit when I saw it on the blogs, but I swear I wasn’t talking about Beyonce.

OK, so I laughed at that, too. But I’m not talking about her.

Or Ciara. See: These bloggers got my homeboy mad at me. I tried to explain to her that it wasn’t like that, but ya’ll have her thinking I’m dissing her.

It’s not like I made this:

I snickered a little bit, but hey, it’s funny!

I don’t want a stan war.

That’s just not good for business. And it doesn’t seem to be too safe either.

Who is he and why doesn’t he need a permit to go on YouTube?

I don’t need this pressure. How can I fix this before the record label changes its mind again?

Keri

P.S. Are you gonna buy my album?

—

Dear Keri,

You coming at Beyonce is like David vs. Goliath, Nicky vs. Paris, Tia vs. Tamera, or Janet vs. Rebe.

Oh, wait you weren’t talking about Beyonce or Ciara? Uh huh. Sure.

I aint tryna start no mess, it’s just something on my chest that I need to get off ‘Cause You turnin me off.

Your Vision cloudy if you think that you the best.
You can dance, she can sing but need to move it to the left.
She need to go have some babies, she need to go sit down, she fading… .

That could have been anyone. Monifah, Athena Cage, the really light skinned girl from Shades, the girl who clowned your dress back in 4^th grade…who knows, right?

Stop. You’re a writer, but you’re writing for Britney Spears and Mary J. Blige, not Stevie Wonder. The lyrics aren’t that clever. We can figure it out.

You say you read the blogs so you know no one thought you were talking about Rihanna or Keyshia Cole. Everyone assumed it was Beyonce, Ciara, or both. Most figured Beyonce based on the fading and baby lines.

I saw that video before you took it down. You waited until the very last second to mention Beyonce’s name as if you forgot she wasn’t the main name thrown around.

You didn’t like being replaced on the “Love In This Club” remix and you wrote the verse Beyonce sang. She wasn’t credited for it and neither were you. The song itself flopped. Consider yourself lucky.

I’m sure it was Polow Da Attention Whore who told you this would be a great idea, but yeah, it wasn’t. I tend to think R&B beef is corny, but if you’re gonna Sisqo yourself, you might as well go all the way with it.

Which brings me to your second problem: You come out swinging and then you back down.

You did this for a few seconds of attention, and when you get it, you play coy. What was the point?

If you’re gonna come out talking noise but want to be vague enough to not answer for it, do yourself a favor and don’t say anything that will lead to people drawing conclusions.

Coming at people seemingly unprovoked calling them hoes isn’t going to do much good for an artist who took like 17 tries to get one hit.

Here’s what you should do:

1. File a restraining order against that dude in the YouTube video. He looks dangerous.

2. Stop listening to Polow.

3. Put your album on sale for like 7.99. It’s a recession.

4. Try and see if you can still get that opening spot on the Sasha Fierce tour. Yeah, we know you were trying to get put on.

5. Hope Ciara doesn’t have roid rage.

Good luck with that album.

Michael

P.S. This is Beyonce’s response:

Huh?

Was checking the comments and came across this post:

your gay counterparts sure like to throw around “passing judgement” and the like rhetoric. Sure he can lend his house knowing that his house can turn into a future crime or any other unsavory act could take place. Rhianna made the choice to go, just as she is free to make the choice to go back to Chris (or her abuser if that how you want to refer to him) Ellen should be the last one talking about choices unless she wants mainstream people to more vocal about her “choices” smh

I’m confused.

No shit Rihanna has free will to be a punching bag, and duh, muthafucka, Diddy can do what he wants with his house.

I thought I made the point about choices clear the first time. What I was talking about had to do with Diddy Puff and other men accused of domestic violence brushing off the entire incident – a crime, no less – as something common, thereby passing it off as something acceptable when it’s not.

The fact is, yet again, 1 in 4 women will experience domestic violence at some point in their lives. Describing a woman getting beaten from head to toe, bitten, and choked out unconscious as a “situation” only further perpetuates the notion that such violent attacks against women is merely a fact of life.

Now do I have to Chris Brown a bitch to drive that point on or just use smaller words? If it sounds like I’m speaking down to you, smile — I am. I normally hate the idea of turning my nose up at people, but dammit, some people need to donate their brain cells to folks that actually want to evolve.

As for the comments about “gay counterparts:” What does that have to do with anything? How can you equate accepting domestic violence with accepting homosexuality, or as you put it, the choice to deal with bigots on a daily?

How does one relate to the other?

And I’m sure Ellen being a multi-millionaire with a successful daytime talk show (we all know how easy it is to have one of those), endorsement deals, and a big following, gay, straight, Black, white, rhythm and rhythm-deficient alike is really hurting for acceptance right now.

FYI, you being here is like the KKK making BET.com its homepage.

P.S. ‘Preciate ya, homie for giving me something to post about even if it was related to some ole bullshit.

DJ, Don’t Ya Play That Song

I don’t even know why I pretend I’m going to stop talking about Chrianna. I’m not lying when I say these two are starting to irk the hell out of me, but this story is getting more and more ridiculous by the day. What is this nonsense about them two working together on a new song?

On what planet do they think this is a smart career move? Where are Rihanna’s corporate pimps? Blowing Chris Brown and buying him ice for his knuckles? This isn’t 2008 where a song with the Princess of Pop and the Prince of Pop Lock would shoot up the charts and give little tweens cavities. It’s a new year and a fresh police report. This all sounds like bad business — at least on Rihanna’s end.

She’s pissing off the population of her fan base who uses spray tan. Isn’t that the bulk of her audience? She’s acting like a sakiewinkie.

Hey, did I use that term correctly? If not, gimme some better Bajan-speak to use for future posts, please.

It’s bad enough Rihanna has ignored my suggestion to call up some of her Bajan brethren and put a root on Chris Brown. Now she decides to listen to one of the most attention starved producers of all time (that would be Polow The Shit Starter) and record a song together.

I don’t want to hear that.

Top ten things I’d rather listen to an apology record from a singing goat (although I bahhhhh with her now) and a dude who sounds like his balls still don’t drop:

1. Listen to old people with asthma have sex.

2. Listen to Tone Loc sing “Touch My Body.”

3. Listen to LaToya Jackson’s country album.

4. Listen to Ja Rule post 2001.

5. Listen to Frankie sing “One Sweet Day.”

6. Listen to Foxy Brown talk about an album we know is never coming out at length.

7. Listen to that narrator from Harlem Heights repeat the phrase “my crew” over and over again.

8. Listen to “Swagger Like Us” for the millionth time.

9. Listen to the crazy homeless man down the street explain to me how capitalism, Flintstone vitamins, and the color purple are destroying the world.

10. Listen to a Chris Brown apologist.

Not Anymore

I like LeToya Luckett, mainly because she’s from Hiram Clarke, and since we’re from the same hood, I have to support my own. That doesn’t mean I like all of ya’ll from there, but if you’re trying to do something with yourselves, I won’t knock you…unless your hustle is illegal or a sign that you suck at life.

Having said that, though I like the idea of the video, I’m not really sure how it fits with the song. Or maybe it’s not supposed to. It’s possible that their intention is to get us to focus on how pretty LeToya looks and make it known that she is a singer and actress. If so, mission accomplished.

I’m not entirely sure how well this song will do, though. Ne-Yo the Negro songs all sound the same and this falls right into the same format of “Take A Bow,” and the 90 other songs exactly like it. Then again, people apparently like being sold the same thing other and other again, so maybe all the song needs a good push from her label.

When I first heard “Not Anymore” I didn’t really feel any particular way about it. Then I heard it again a few weeks ago and started to like it more.

What makes the song for me is LeToya Luckett’s voice. She sounds so much better than she used to. Don’t ya’ll doubt the power of a throat lozenger, ya’ll.

I’m really hoping her second album is better than the first. I like “Torn,” loved “She Don’t,” but it gets foggy after that. The album was solid and had a few decent tracks, but didn’t offer anything all too memorable. I’m noticing that’s a challenge for 17 members of Destiny’s Child.

Each are talented, but when it comes to offering something really substanial, they’re very hit and miss. That stems from their need to stick with whatever is popular at the moment. This video is an example of such given everyone and their little sister is playing off the 60s/Motown theme.

And obviously, some people have noticed.

Via Solange’s Twitter:

i remember being n Idaho 4 years ago, pulling out all my old Martha& the Vandellas, Marvelettes and Supremes records,coming up with a vision wanting to create a new age 60′s girls group and modernize it. started working on soul-angel finding 2 girls and watching old shows. this was before amy winehouse so people thought i was truly bugging out. i did i decided wiith the two girls..watched about 25 old shows of all the girl groups and asking my sis to help me come up with moves ( she had just done dreamgirls) worked my but off on references…after i did i decided alot of folks were digging it but alot of folks thought were confused about “the look” now every which a way i turn..everyone is in a 60′s girl group reference. its like traditional r&b again to do the 60′s sound, look ect.

The video premiered today, and Solange twitters every other second. Is it merely a coincidence or is little sister talking slick? FYI, neither one of them are the first to theme a video around Motown, girl groups, and the 60s, and splattering a bunch of Civil Rights activists pictures in the background as you shimmy and two-step changes that.

Not to mention Solange is about as original as a gay Beyonce fan. LeToya is trying, and if Solange is allowed to try, try, and try again with ideas not as fresh as the self-appointed taste makers would have you believe they are, I don’t see the harm.

Ellen Knows

I’ve started to notice a pattern. Every man that has tried to either excuse Chris Brown’s actions, or at the very least downplay them, are men accused of domestic violence themselves. Puff Puff, T.I., Mekhi Phifer, and Terrance Howard have all been rumored to channel their inner Chris Brown in one of their respective relationships at some point. I don’t know how true that is for each person, but it speaks volumes to hear people refer to violence acts as nothing more than “situations” as the proceed to try and rationalize domestic violence.

And the only male celebrities to come out and speak out against violence or Chris Brown have either back tracked and asked the public to show mercy, or release a publicist-approved statement running the hell away from their original criticism.

That’s why I’m so glad Ellen took Diddy Puff to task. Puffy is right when he says he can use his house as he pleases — even if that means lending his residence knowing it could possibly turn into a future crime scene. I don’t pay the mortgage, so it’s nothing to me. However, I’m really sick of people throwing around these nonsense about “throwing stones” and passing judgment.

You can tell by his reaction that Puffy was angry with Ellen, but I’m so glad she brought it up. No man should beat on a woman in that way. If she hit him, she was wrong, too, but c’mon — unless she had a blade to his sac, I’m inclined to think she didn’t pose that great a threat to him.

I highly doubt Piff Puff of all people would be so forgiving if the battered woman in question were one of his two beautiful young girls. Puffy doesn’t even like it when you step up to him (Hi, Aubrey). I can only imagine how he would act if you come out of pocket to one of his daughters.

I’m really bothered by the lackadaisical attitude so many – particularly Black people – are having towards the whole thing. Stop saying “we don’t know the whole story.” I know the end result. People like Diddy are passing this off as common, and thus acceptable. That’s got to stop.

And for those who feel I and others are too hard on The Belligerent Beige Man, please look again:

This pop locking p–sy looks really remorseful. Unfortunately, I can see why he has not a care in the world. He’s rich, and evidently has enough power over Rihanna to the point he can beat and cheat on her and she’s still willing to help him get over.

This, along with the blame the victim attitude, our collective incessant need to rationalize violence, and society’s deep seated hatred of women is exactly why 1 in 4 of them will experience domestic violence at some point in his life.

Sure, I can pray for these people who commit the crimes…but it would be a lot better if I could pray for them while they’re in jail.

He Looka Like A Shim

Enough people will be clowning Mariah playing the hood chick J. Lo did about seven years ago, so there’s no point in me focusing on that. I think the homie captures my sentiments brilliantly when she says Mariah looks like Jasmine from The Boondocks. Since that’s now out of the way, we can focus on the star of the show.

There’s something different about The Dream’s face. I’ve long pointed out that he looks like a Teddy Graham, but that’s not the only thing different about it. I couldn’t put my finger on it for the longest and then it hit me once I watched this video: His face reminds me of a lesbian.

Well, let me clean that up: Not all lesbians, just studs. You know, chicks with the bald fade who fool you up until you notice they are a D cup. That’s what Mr. Mrs. Teddy Graham reminds me of. After I told people I definitely got called a couple of names – most centering on being crazy and foolish – but I’m so serious about this.

And get this, he’s not the only one, ya’ll.

Look at Big Mike in the back. He looks like he can spit “Sock It 2 Me” word for word. And check out Willie’s expression. I wonder if he’s thinking, “I ain’t too sure about Mike.” Que is too busy frowning in Aubrey’s direction to notice.

There are others, like Clay Aiken, though I refuse to post his picture. It’s getting late, and who wants that kind of nightmare.

Alright, ya’ll, time to say your piece. Am I the only one noticing this or do I need to lay down and stay there? I know some of you will be saying the latter just because. That ain’t right.

No, I Don’t Like…

I have been worried about this day. I knew Jennifer Hudson loved to wear belly hugging garments, and after that coward killed her family, I wondered how long it would be before it was OK to say, “What the hell?” at one of her outfits again. Fortunately, I didn’t have to worry about it all too much because J.Hud has been looking fantastic lately. That is, until the night she decided to wear this.

Look, I feel terrible about what happened to her, and I feel even worse for what about I’m say, but c’mon nah, look at her. Yo, do you really expect me not to notice this? Jennifer is a very pretty girl, and I’m all for more cushion for the pushing loving if that’s your thing. However, as a member of team slim and sessy, while I’m doing my push ups trying to get ready for the rest of the year, you don’t see me walking around like I’m standing 6’3, 210 pounds of muscle.

You shouldn’t see Jennifer in that outfit either. I know what some of you are thinking: Leave her alone, meanie. I understand where you’re coming from, but I beg you to look again.

Look long and hard. Her stylist isn’t living right. She looks like she just finished setting up Batman in the Batmobile. That ain’t right, fam. That ain’t right.

If she’s pregnant, congratulations to her and her Punk. Two words, though: Maternity wear. If she’s not pregnant, ask Queen Latifah for the number to her stylist and the best brand name for girdles.

Alright, I’m going to stop now, but it’s not a good look, people. There are plenty of clothes to make people in every size look better than a catfish po’boy with extra hot sauce and a side of Hurricanes. This outfit isn’t an example of such. Looks more like a cow that needs to be put out of its misery.

P.S. It doesn’t look good from the other angle either.

P.S.S. I’m going to hell, aren’t I? If so, the person who put her in that will be my bunk buddy.

The Explain Game

1. Who told that fool that jet skiing so soon after you’ve been accused of beating the ass of one of the world’s most famous women was a good idea?

2. And does he realize how hard he’s made it for lanky light skinned men?

3. Who does Keri Hilson think she’s fooling when she says the remix to “Turnin’ Me On” isn’t about anyone in particular?

4. Why does the CW hate The Game so much?

5. Is Chris Brown over?

6. Since she hung up the phone when asked if her she embraced plastic surgery to look less Black, does Lil’ Kim realize she now looks like Miss Swan on a bad day?

7. Will the library ever revoke Khia’s internet access?

8. When is someone going to tell Beyonce that the hip padding isn’t what’s up?

9. Hasn’t footage of Britney Spears’ Circus tour proven that anti-depressants can only take you so far?

10. Does Christina Milian have friends?

11. Will Janet make up her mind already?

12. Whose ass is gonna deflate first: Angel Lola Luv or Kim Kardashian?

13. Am I the only who thinks Solange will twitter at her own funeral?

14. I don’t care to see The Watchmen. Do you?

15. Are you on Twitter?

16. Which show can you not believe still comes on the most: American Idol or America’s Next Top Model?

17. Can Barack Obama do better with his gift giving game?

18. Finish this statement: Kanye West’s new friend Amber Rose looks like she ________.

19. What do you think of The Hills of Color Harlem Heights?

20. Brother, can you spare a dollar?

The Devil Is An iPod

I was raised Catholic, and there were a lot of things I questioned about it and religion in general. Some times I got the feeling I was being told not to do something in order to appease God that I felt God wouldn’t care about one way or the other.

A good example of this is the call of some Catholic bishops in Rome to forgo text messaging and using iPods for Lent.

Forgive me, but what the hell? I get that there’s an argument to be made about the dangers of social networking, and I can even understand the symbolism in forgoing cell phones to protest the ongoing struggle in Congo over control of mines that contain material central to cell phone construction. But seriously, can’t the Pope just go down there and cause a ruckus?

Isn’t the Catholic Church large and powerful enough to protest in a way beyond symbolism? This all just seems hokey, and quite honestly, a waste of time.

I really don’t think Jesus would be moved if you honored him by turning off your iPod and not checking your email on Friday. The latter of which seems highly impractical.

I’m getting more and more confused. “Single Ladies” has become good for both the club and early service. “Damaged” is apparently now a gospel song. And now when you ask “What Would Jesus Do,” the answer is, “Turn off his iPod.”

This is almost as bad as Jerry Falwell declaring that Tinky Winky was destroying the innocence of small children with his purple murse. 

FYI, I’m not participating in any of this. I’ll have you know that just a week ago I started off my morning by getting on my knees to pray for my family and friends, then got up, turned on my iPod and did the stanky legg.

Judging from the way things are going, it won’t be long before Yolanda Adams starts making the booty do. 

Why Are You Employed?

Far be it from me to advocate any person losing their job at a time like this, but what the hell are you doing with your life where you can’t tell that pushing this on a day where Chris Brown is being arraigned on two felony charges is a bad idea?

Hey fans,

Vote for Chris on the Kids Choice Awards 2009 link provided below:

Favorite Male Singer
http://www.nick.com/kids-choice-awards/vot…categoryVote=10

Favorite Song
http://www.nick.com/kids-choice-awards/vot…categoryVote=12

Thank you for your support.

I understand sometimes things are already planned out in advance, but it’s the morning after and this is still on his MySpace page.

The next thing you’ll tell me is that R. Kelly will be getting a lifetime achievement award and Lil’ Kim will receive honors for self-esteem.

And while I have your attention, earlier today someone saw me and yelled, “Chris Brown!” Hell naw, ya’ll. This is the second time in a month someone has said I look like Chris Brown. The first time I was at a restaurant with a friend and a waiter – not even my own – walked up on me and was like, “Whoa, man. I thought you was Chris Brown. I was about to put you in a headlock. Don’t touch that girl.”

Then my friend laughed. Even the woman sitting next to me was laughing and from the look on her face I bet she only learned Chris Brown’s name the night before. I need for him to go away for a while. He’s giving lanky people with big teeth a bad name. Next thing you know I’m going to be out at the club jiggin’ and a bunch of drunk people are gonna yell, “CHRIS BROWN…GET ‘EM!” and I’m going to have to beat that bitch with a bottle in an effort to try and not get my slim self jumped.

Times like these I yearn for the days I got called a fake ass Debarge (Chico and/or his son).

Damn you, Chris Brown.

*Yes, I said I wasn’t going to talk about him before. How can you not when random people are yelling his name at you?

Edit: The people that called me Chris Brown were both Black men. The people laughing were a part of every race.