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Just when I think ‘Negro please’ honors of the day should go to Bow Wow, Condoleezza Rice goes and ups the ante.

Condi is a very smart woman who has a accomplished a lot. Despite everything I still think she deserves to be recognized as at one point being the most powerful Black woman in the world. You know, if we’re not counting Oprah.

Having said that, is she out her damn man?

Is she for real saying “If the president does it, it must be equal?”

If she’s too busy to brush up on her American history, I’m going to need her to head over to Netflix and rent Frost/Nixon.

I’m going to need President Obama to light a fire under the Justice Department’s ass and start charging the war criminals of the last administration. Forgot that nonsense about leaving things in the past. The past is prologue.

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Only Bow Wow could talk about failure in such an arrogant way.

Ya’ll hear that? Because Bow Wow didn’t sell hip-hop is dying. Nevermind Officer Ross just moved a 157,000 copies of his new album (which is actually pretty good) or that we have a new White Mike in hip-hop. Forget that Jadakiss moved over 130,000 units the first week of his release with no major promotion. Nah, none of that matters because Kris Kross 2000 didn’t sell a lot of records.

We can officially put a bullet in rap now.

Apparently no one informed dude that his fan base is a bit different from that of T.I., Lil’ Wayne, and T-Pain and that they’re a bit older now and probably not into you trying to rhyme like T.I.’s nephew or Wayne’s bad ass cousin.

I won’t even bother trying to understand why cursing on kiddie records is a good thing. It’s not like he wrote the lyrics anyway.

I wish child stars would learn when they are beginning to wear out their welcome and plan their transition into something else accordingly. Bow Wow could have easily had a sitcom a few years ago but he was dead set on auditioning to be the next LL Cool J (post 95 version) with his R&B singer assisted singles.

Hopefully he makes the most of his acting gigs. It’s his only shot of relevance.

Oh, and to be fair, I don’t agree with Soulja Boy’s claims that he’s ending rappers’ careers.

“You always gonna face different chapters that you go through in life, period, with whatever you’re doing,” he explained in an interview. “Haters come with every job and whatever you’re doing in life, so you just got to do what you do. I just outshined all my haters. I done had beef with a lot of different artists, I done had a lot of artists done had different opinions about my music but at the end of the day though, it’s gonna take a whole lot to stop me. I done ended a lot of n*ggas’ careers, you feel me? And before I get out the game, I’ma cause hell.” (Rolling Out TV)

The only person’s career he can end is a speech coach.

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For those of you who don’t know ChaCho’s is a Mexican restaurant where Negroes go to get cheap margaritas. I’ve heard the food is better in other locations in Texas (it’s only edible in Houston), but for the most part you go there to get fucked up. And speaking of being fucked up, am I the only one who thinks these two dudes came up with this dance after their third jumbo margarita?

It’s bad enough that I’m just now finding out that DJ Unk is coming out with a dance that totally rips off my idea for a dance called The Hotsauce (which one of ya’ll sent him a link to my blog…fess up!), now this.

I’m not mad at Changing Faces for trying to cash in on the dance craze. With unemployment looking to jump into the double digits in the coming months creating a YouTube buzz that could lead to loads of ringtones sold is a sure fire way to make some money in a recession. It beats selling ass.

But, you’ve got to come harder than this.

That shit looks like something you do when you’re trying to fan yourself in a hot club — only your wrist quit you.

I have nothing against San Antonio or the Riverwalk (that’s what it’s called, right?) but I’ve never known them for dancing. That bullshit dance isn’t going to help the city’s cause either.

Have you seen Beyonce dance? Sasha will bitch slap you for naming that dance after Beyonce.

Do better!

And while I have your attention, Clover informed me about the UK’s own little dance craze.

I’ve seen my stats. I have quite a few European readers. Can someone explain that to me?

Why she gotta be a skank? She already has a migrane. Don’t make it worse by name calling. See, say what you will about the South, but we’re polite. We say shit like, “She fine than a bitch, ass and her tits. Thick in the hips er nigga wanna call her ‘Halleeeeeee Beerrrrrrry.’

See, that’s a compliment. Girl yo ass is so phat, I’m gonna tell you that you look like Halle Berry…even though we both know I haven’t even bothered looking at your grill.

Granted, there are other songs like “Play,” but hey, no one YouTubes to that. Or maybe I’m lost in a translation. Is ‘headache hoe’ the British equivalent to Halle Berry?

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I avoid the radio, so that’s why I haven’t done a post like this in a long time. But, after listening to LA radio play the same four songs on four separate stations within four minutes of each other all damn day all the damn time has brought me back to this.

The Black Eyed Peas: “Boom Boom Paw”

This song is basically “Planet Rock” only they added the noises a child would make while playing with robots, and just for kicks, they told Fergie to talk/sing/rap/whatever that is and release her inner whiny 8-year-old girl. I know the BEP catch a lot of flack from people who loathe their entire existence. I don’t hate them like that, but I will say every time I watch one of their videos or hear one of their songs, I expect to hear “brought to you by McDonalds” or Verizon Wireless or the Democratic National Committee after it’sd one. Everything about them seems corporate. But hey, if ya’ll like, I’ll tolerate it.

I only have one favor to ask: Could you not play this shit every damn other second? Like seriously.

Flo’Rida: “Right Round”

I.Hate.This.Song. My goodness, it’s terrible. I’m not mad at Flo’Rida for opting to cater to the pale and privileged, but yikes, could he at least try to get the rest of us to like his songs? I actually don’t mind the original song it lifts from, but Flo’Rida’s version — again, did I mention how terrible this is? Please make it stop.

Soulja Boy feat. Sammie: “Kiss Me Through The Phone”

Honestly, I hadn’t heard this song in full until last Thursday, and I’m very grateful for that because this song irritates the hell out of me. I’m not mad at Soulja Boy proving the naysayers wrong and amassing another major radio hit, but why hasn’t someone taught this lil’ Negro how to read yet? He still sounds three days removed from slavery.

Oh and the lyrics to this song are even simpler than the person delivering it.

Baby I’ve been thinkin
Lately so much about u
Everything about u
I like it, I love it
Kissing u in public
Thinking nothing of it
Roses by the dozen
Talkin on da phone
Baby u so sexy


Negro, why iz u so simple
I can’t help but giggle
Yo, you got me showing my dimples
And shit
Can’t believe this is bull is a hit
I would tell you to get bent
But I know your ass ain’t legit
Thank God it won’t be long
Before your ass is gone
But until then I’ll be hoping every gul leaves you with dialtone

As Trina would say, WE-MIX, WE-MIX.

Lady GaGa: “Poker Face” & “Just Dance”

I like Lady GaGa. I find her to be a breath of fresh air. She’s fun, she can actually sing, and she seems like if she would still be dressing like her stylist has ADHD even if she weren’t famous. But damn, can we get a new single please?

T.I. feat. Justin Timberlake: “Dead & Gone”

Actually, I’m sick of this song, “Live Ya Life,” and “Whatever You Like.” I’m a T.I.P. fan, but he makes songs only for the radio now and since that mission has accomplished can we hold off on playing these damn songs until he’s released from prison. That is, if he actually ever goes.

Soulja Boy: “Turn My Swag On”

Why won’t that damn word die already?

Beyonce: “Single Ladies (Put A Ring On It)”

If he hasn’t proposed by now he just doesn’t want your ass. Ladies and gentleman, take the hint. And play “Video Phone” or “Sweet Dreams” instead. I like this song, and still find it useful, but save it for the clubs.

The Pussycat Dolls: “I Hate This Part”

Not only do I hate that part, but I hate the whole damn song. Am I the only one who thinks Nicole Shacadadowhoop sounds awful on this? No wonder Melody and ‘nem are pissed at her: She’s got the nerve to hog all of the parts and sing like her throat just got sprayed with mase.

G-Spot Boyz: “Do Da Stanky Legg”

G-Spot Boyz, GS Boyz, whatever they call themselves now: Enough. I actually still like the song thanks to Trina’s WE-MIX, but the south has moved on. How about the rest of the country join them? There’s the Ricky Bobby, the Halle Berry, and “Ice Cream Paint Job.” Pick one of those and go.

Disclaimer: I realize some cities have already played the first two songs I mentioned, so if that applies to you, play “Ice Cream Paint Job.” The rest of the country will catch up in like 6-8 months.

Remixes With Kanye

Yeah, not all of them work. See DJ Class’ version of “I’m The Shit” featuring Kanye, or Beyonce’s remix of “Ego” featuring Donatello West.

As for his own songs, I’m a little over “Heartless.” Great song, but it’s been played to death.

Hurry up and wear “So Amazing” out so I can hear “Paranoid” featuring Rihanna.

Those are all of the songs I can think of. Not that the radio actually plays more than a couple of songs all day anyway.

Which ones are ya’ll sick of hearing?

And instead of these songs, what would you rather hear on the radio? I wish Solange’s “T.O.N.Y.” could get some additional spins.

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This post is themed around one of my favorite things on Earth: Soliciting shit .

So, getting to the point: I want you to follow me on Twitter.

Click right here and follow me. If you’re not on Twitter already, hmm join and follow me.

C’mon, it’s fun and shit.

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I know I often blog about my love of music that sounds like it belongs in the fryer and served with a biscuit, but just so you know, I also have a great appreciation for strong vocalists and lyricists. I’m talking the likes of Fiona Apple, Lauryn Hill (or whoever wrote The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill), D’Angelo, Erykah Badu, Faith Evans, Kelly Price and so on.

When I’m really in the mood for some soul music, I’m blasting My Life, Baduizm, and Brown Sugar, not B’Day (although when it’s time to work out, twirk, or get my morning jig in…Bey wins).

Notice all of the albums I just listed are from the mid-90s. Well, that’s because a huge chunk of R&B music – at least in its traditional form or some variation close enough to it – sucks. I have the likes of Teedra Moses, Keyshia Cole, and Amy Winehouse to tide me over, but for the most part, I have to dip back a decade prior for something substantive.

That’s one reason why I’ve taken to Jazmine Sullivan so much. When I heard her rendition of “Resentment,” I fell in love instantly. Beyonce sounds quite good on her version of the song, but I don’t really feel it. There’s sounding pretty and there’s emoting a feeling with your voice. Jazmine is the latter, and for that type of song, it’s what’s required.

I bought her album out of respect for someone with genuine singing talent. I don’t find her album to be perfect, however. Much like many of the albums released this decade, it strives too hard to sound universal. I get that artists (particularly Black ones) don’t want to be limited by any single genre of music, but sometimes it’s OK to just go with what works best for you.

I really appreciate some of the singles from her album. To me, “I Need You Bad,” “Bust Your Windows,” & “Lions, Tigers, & Bears” are some of the best R&B singles to come out this decade. It’s a shame not one of those songs reached their full potential because her labor didn’t give her the proper push.

I know she’s not the best performer yet, and I just acknowledged that her album is only decent, but c’mon, look at half of the non-singing, no-rhythm having, wack ass chicks labels are still trying to stuff down our throats. There are so many girls that look, sound, and dress the same and they’re all very much interchangeable and forgettable.

Why isn’t Jazmine’s label pushing her more? She was nominated for 9 Grammys and she didn’t perform. What is that about?

I really like this cotton commercial. Jazmine sounds fantastic. It makes me want to scream “EFF YO POLYESTER!” to strangers.

But this is only so much. While I think it’s commendable she’s managed to score multiple top 40 hits and rack up 400k in sales with very little promotion, she could be doing so much more if her team gave a damn.

Why does it seem like J Records only knows how to promote one artist at a time. That artist being Alicia Keys. Mario’s last album was pretty good but no one heard it. Monica’s image may not have been the most commercially viable, her last album was pretty solid. I barely heard a peep from either, though.

What is this chick going to have to do to get ahead? Bust her gut to get folks to care about her busting windows?

If Jazmine Sullivan were a bulimic with an addiction to peroxide, would we be seeing her all over the place? I see Christina Milian’s ass every where. Do I need to set up a PayPal account so us fans can put our money together and rent Jazmine a boyfriend for press?

Let me know what I have to do, because even if she does sing like she smells or looks like Snuffleupagus on occassion, she deserves to be larger than what she is.

Do you know how long it took Keri Hilson to score a hit? How many years Christina Milian has been trying? Imagine if that much effort went into Jazmine. Mmph.

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I caught a 2:00 p.m. showing of the movie on Friday and the theater was nearly packed. My immediate reaction was, “People actually want to see this?!” I came out of loyalty, but I suppose I shouldn’t be surprised that so many people came out for it. Beyonce did non-stop press all week, I’ve seen ads for the film for months now, and well, what would you rather do on a weekend: Spend $10 to see Beyonce whoop some crazy broad or slap yourself silly with your stack of bills?

Obsessed is by far the best comedy released thus far this year. The fact that it’s actually supposed to be a thriller makes it even funnier. The opening credits were still rolling when I started texting people to say this film was going to be terrible. And it very much was, though I found it be pretty entertaining if only for a great laugh.

I’ll probably buy it on DVD, but only after it’s marked down. That shouldn’t take too long.

Congratulations to Beyonce for doing a film that didn’t require singing and still managing to boost her box office profile. The audience was 58% female, and while pollsters didn’t take this into consideration, I can guarantee that the bulk of that other 42% consisted of men who could probably do the “Single Ladies” routine better than Beyonce.

Even bigger congrats to the Knowles family for getting all of that product placement in. Though we didn’t get a shot of Agnes Dereon in any scene, I definitely spotted some House of Dereon in the movie. And it goes without saying how smooth of it was for Beyonce to sneak her music in.

For a second there, at the end of the movie I was waiting for Terrence J. and Rosci to introduce the premiere for the “Smash Into You” video.

Now since the studio didn’t screen the film in advance for critics, I knew there had to be a reason behind it. But now that the commentary has poured in it pretty much doesn’t matter anymore.

Still, there is one critic who I would like to call out for saying something stupid and irresponsible:

The movie’s most disturbing aspect, of which the filmmakers could not have been unaware, is the physical resemblance between Mr. Elba and Ms. Larter to O. J. and Nicole Brown Simpson. It lends “Obsessed” a distasteful taint of exploitation.

Forgive me white readers, I love ya’ll, but this is some out of touch white people shit right here. Not only is this reference dated, but if Idris Elba resembles O.J. Simpson, then Taye Diggs and I are identical twins. Ali Larter looks nothing like Nicole Brown Simpson either.

I really don’t get that comparison, and I want to know why that was allowed to be printed in the New York Times of all papers. Are times that hard over at the paper that they don’t bother editing out bullshit anymore?

In one quick swoop this writer has given yet another example of why not only do people pay less attention to critics, but why they don’t bother with newspapers altogether.

You’ve got to be out of your rabbit ass mind to think about O.J. and Nicole while watching Obsessed. I want him to turn off his computer and then bang his head into the monitor. Maybe when he wakes up from the bump he’ll start writing with same damn common sense.

A better way to conclude his film review would have been to ask why does Idris Elba sound like Tony Soprano throughout the movie?

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I’m not ashamed to say that The Golden Girls is one of my all-time favorite sitcoms.

The show by and large is the original Sex & The City, only a funnier, geriatric version. The Golden Girls broke several television stereotypes and proved older people can still be funny, sexy, and engaging to audiences – even young ones.

Those four women were an inspiration to all of us who hope to one day become old enough to get a senior citizen discount at IHOP but still manage to get it in.

I didn’t realize so many other people who looked and jigged like me loved this show, too. Watching a bunch of older bitties talk about the nasty over cheesecake appealed to all. White hair love (or none at all, for that matter) was proven to be universally funny.

So it’s sad for me to learn of another cast member’s passing.

I loved me some Dorothy Zbornak. On a bored afternoon one day, I took one of those online quizzes that matched up your personality with a cast member from The Golden Girls.

I was deemed Dorothy, and because the character was so smart, quick witted, and funny as hell, I didn’t mind it.

But I just took another one a minute ago and I was called Blanche. This site just tried to call me a hoe on the low. Anybody know a good hacker?

Wait, am I supposed to say pause now or something that essentially means I’m too insecure in my masculinity that I can’t write sentences like the last couple of ones?

If so, one of ya’ll do it for me in the comments section. Mmk. Thanks.

Back on topic, hopefully Bea Arthur is somewhere with Estelle Getty cracking jokes and eating cheesecake.

I really, really, liked this show. I get the feeling that I’ve seen every single episode at least twice.

So much talent on and off the screen. Like Mitchell Hurwitz, who created another TV gem, Arrested Development.

The sad part is as great as The Golden Girls is I doubt it would air in this decade. They would probably take the concept and try to turn it into a reality show.

Some bullshit like “Old School Loving” or some nonsense of that sort.

A lot of networks just don’t seem to appreciate a good sitcom the way they used to. The same goes for great comedic talents like Bea Arthur.

The two-remaining cast members of the show each shared their thoughts about Arthur.

Rue McClanahan told Entertainment Tonight: “Thirty-seven years ago she showed me how to be very brave in playing comedy. I’ll miss that courage. And I’ll miss that voice.”

Betty White echoed her sentiments: “I knew it would hurt, I just didn’t know it would hurt this much. I’m so happy that she received her Lifetime Achievement Award while she was still with us, so she could appreciate that. She was such a big part of my life.”

How nice. I hope my people are that kind to me at my funeral. You know, right before everyone breaks into “Get Me Bodied” and “My Dougie.”

I’m going to go ahead and end this with one of the best theme songs ever. Rest in peace, Bea.

Does anyone have the mp3? Yes, I’m serious.

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OK, I’ll be the first to admit that Beyonce’s acting credits thus far don’t suggest that she’s well on her way to becoming the next Angela Bassett, but I don’t find her to be the new Monica (have you seen Love Song) either.

Most people didn’t see Cadillac Records (not that I blame you or anything) so I think people missed out on what to me was the first glimpse into Beyonce’s potential as an actress. She did a very good job and earned herself a lot of accolade for her acting chops. Unfortunately, I get the feeling Obsessed is about to make many forget about all of the praise she enjoyed in the fall.

This movie looks like a recession version of Fatal Attraction. It seems so cheesey and really really bad. I’m not sure what type of bad yet. There are really awful movies that I love. The Last Dragon would be a prime example of such. It’s one of my favorite movies ever. Sho’Nuff.

Then you have movies that are bad in a terrible way. Think films like Howard The Duck. While I still enjoy the theme song, the rest of the movie is a repressed memory that I hope never resurfaces.

No matter what category Obsessed ends up being placed in the fact that I’m bringing up these sort of films just goes to show how this is a downgrade for Beyonce. I like the fact that she’s finally not playing a singer. I don’t like the fact that it’s this.

Listen to the way she says, “She ain’t plain.” Listen to the way she says, “I’ll show you crazy.” Can you tell the difference? Yeah, me either.

No need to worry about whether or not I’m going to see this. Of course I am. I’m planning to see it today. I may have not gone to see Cadillac Records in theaters, but in my stan defense, it’s only because I found out Beyonce didn’t appear in the movie until the end.

Do you know how much movies cost? Take the figure then square it since it’s a movie I would have no interest in had Beyonce’s name not have been attached to it. Too expensive in my book. This, not so much.

Is anyone else going to see it? Don’t lie. You can tell me even if you’re only going to see it to laugh at Beyonce. I’m hoping it turns out better than it looks. At the very least, I really hope Beyonce murks the mess out of Ali Carter Larter.

But after this movie hits DVD in three weeks I pray Beyonce starts reading other scripts. She needs something to really challenge her. Something like a fat crack head. I know, I know: crack heads aren’t fat. That’s why I said something challenging.

A drumstick in one hand and a rock in the other. C’mon Queen Bey, show me your range.

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I need for every nawfer who goes out of their way to shit on the South and the way we jig to cease and desist.

As much as I’ve come to like club music, you folk in Baltimore dance just as raunchy and ‘country’ as folks in the Boot, the A, and the H. I’ve heard so many people up nawf say, “Eww. Ya’ll are so vulgar.”

Please don’t say this video is an example of the classier way to jig. I see boys who look no older than 10 grinding on women twice their size. What is this supposed to be? Some freaky version of Jack and the Beanstalk?

I don’t know if I want to call child protective services or the nearest free clinic.

Look at the guy who laid on the ground and the girl who got on him and proceeded to show us all how to make a baby and/or catch a regular bump on our mouths. What is that dance supposed to be? The Amtrak? I see why the DMV area is battling parts of Sub-Sahara Africa for the title of STD capital.

In B-More’s defense, judging from the comments on the page I found this on (look, I’on like the site, but I have to find stories for work, ya dig?), those little future cases aren’t doing a club dance in the beginning. Apparently that’s the Wu-Tang (which I had never heard of until I saw Fresh’s twitter) and it’s out of Philly. That’s even worse because I’ve met plenty of Philly folk who sound three days removed from slavery calling me the country one.

And the fact that the site could confuse the dances just goes to show ya’ll aren’t the only ones who can easily be lumped in together.

I hate when people say all southern music sounds the same. No it doesn’t. Screw doesn’t sound like bounce. Bounce doesn’t sound like Dallas boogie. Dallas Boogie doesn’t sound like Miami Bass. And none of these songs sound like the stuff they remixed and branded crunk in Atlanta.

Oh and New Yorkers, don’t even try to distance yourselves. I got three words for you: Chicken Noodle Soup. Actually, two more: Lean Back.

So the moral of the story is ya’ll up thurr are just as nasty and ign’t as everyone else, and the South is diverse. You might as well embrace the latter fun fact because we’re still shit’n on you hoes. No one is trying to do that Arab money dance at any club outside of the Tri-state area, and I for damn sure am not laying on the sticky, nasty ass ground to reenact a homemade hood porno.

Edit: If you can’t see those bad ass kids in the YouTube link, click here.

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