Sigh

Despite some of the flack I’ve since received for penning “When Bullying Leads to Suicide,” now more than ever I’m glad I wrote it.

What would motivate a person to use a broom and hockey stick to commit sexual assault? I’m not sure what has led to so many children becoming incredibly cruel and evil, but this is despicable.

I Wish They Were All Vegans

I wasn’t among the many who looked at the coverage of the Popeye’s debacle or the KFC riots last week and dipped their heads in shame. We have Obama, we have Oprah, but we’re always going to have a bunch of fools that media outlets are more inclined to cover for several different reasons.

Plus, I wanted the free chicken myself. I write a blog called ‘The Recession Diaries’ — clearly I’m not one to turn down a free meal. Just yesterday I went and took my KFC coupon to El Pollo Loco and got myself some chicken since KFC decided to act brand new.

So while I can respect the freebie lovers of the world, I’m going to need people to stop acting as if some locations not honoring a coupon for free chicken and a biscuit is a grave injustice. This is not the Jena 6 nor is it voter disenfranchisement. This is a promotional campaign gone awry because it didn’t dawn on the marketing team behind it that with this country turning into the United States of Section 8 there might be a greater response than normal to some free grub.

Listening to these folks complain like KFC literally ripped a chicken wing from their guts is irritating.

Then you have people like her cutting up in the drive-thru line. What do you think costs more: A $3.99 grilled chicken meal or the money it’s going to cost you to post bond after being arrested for trespassing?

Stop it, ya’ll or at the very least run from the news cameras until they start showing more white people cutting up.

This Week In Negro Please

As you know, although a few of his followers might brand me a heathen, I personally don’t think if God stepped into my room right now I’d get a back slap across the head. I think that has a lot to do with me not being a self-righteous jackass like so many people claiming to be God’s BFF.

That being said, I take issue with a lot of ministers who attempt to credit their asinine views with the Lord. I wouldn’t be mad if some started off their sermons and homilies with a disclaimer like: “Just so you know, I don’t know for sure if God would say this, so ignore my collar for a minute and let me speak freely.”

Or something to that effect.

I’ve become somewhat of a fan of Roland Martin on CNN because he wasn’t selling his race out for a TV show, actually made sense when he spoke, and doesn’t look like he’s ever worn a conk, S-Curl, or perm.

Yet I should’ve known he’d disappoint me the way many of the others have.

“I’ve called on pastors nationwide to stop the stream of momma, grandmother, aunts and female cousins coming to the altar for baby dedications with no man in sight. The pastor should say, ‘Until I personally meet with the father, I will not dedicate this child.’ Somebody has to hold that man accountable for his actions.”

There are a couple of things wrong with that statement.

1. This action would only punish the child, not the father.
2. If a father doesn’t bother supporting the child through parenting and covering cost, what makes you think a christening or in Catholicism’s case, a baptism, is going to compel him to show up? If he’s not worried about feeding the kid, what makes you think he cares about its soul?
3. So what if he does show up for a meeting? Who is to say that means he’ll stick around for his long term responsibilities?
4. This is just stupid.

Roland Martin is a minister himself so I feel for those sitting in his pews. This is why people are starting to give more churches the side-eye.

Jesus didn’t seem like the type who would say, “NO, I won’t baptize you!” when he rolled with hookers and hoodlums and shit.

If you have video of a preacher who won’t get on my nerves, drop it in the comments section please. I’m seriously open to listening.

That Joel Osteen doesn’t piss me off. He’s so happy and nice. It’s like God or his plastic surgeon gave him a permanent smile. I can’t frown at him.

Get Your Off Video Phone

Last week seemed to be themed around peak-a-boo privates, and although more crotch shots are said to be one the way, can I ask this favor of every celebrity yet to be caught out there: Delete every single nudie shot you have on your phone!

Hide your nipples, keep your pubes out of view, and try not to give the world access to your ass in the coming weeks, months, and years. I would be most grateful if you granted me that request.

Although I can imagine how much it must suck to learn that something you intended to be private was snatched from you and shared with everyone with internet access, I don’t completely feel bad for a lot of these celebrities.

Through the years countless sex tapes have been leaked, not to mention the likes of Paris Hilton have had their phones hacked into and people like Karrine Steffans have made it abundantly clear that there is a market for sexual info about your average D lister. Why haven’t these recent victims of the ‘whodunit’ noticed the pattern?

I got into a debate with one of my friends who said if something like that were to ever happen to me she would go to bat for me. I thanked her for her offer, but let her know she won’t have that problem. We all have our dirt and very few of us are perfect angels (of course, I’m as close to it as you can get), but some of us are aware of how these internets work.

Over the weekend I also read comments from people branding Rihanna the whore of Babylon for her photos. I don’t share that view. Taking intimate pictures with a long-time boyfriend isn’t the same to me as spreading yourself wide eagle for the highest bidder. Speaking of such a scenario, Cassie’s response to her pierced parts premiering online somewhat rubbed me the wrong way.

In one instance it’s “sick and evil” for someone to “hack” into her computer yet those criticizing her need to get over it because “it’s just a tit.” That attitude only heightens people suspicions that she leaked those pictures herself. If that is the case, she’s lamer than I thought.

It’s one thing to be sexual. It’s another to rely on sex appeal to mask the fact that you share the same level of vocal talent as a garbage truck. Not to mention I’ve gotten more entertainment value from funerals than I have from any of her live performances. Her having the type of body that should drive Michael Jackson crazy isn’t about to make me forget either opinion.

Even wacker is Hoopz who seems to be extending her 11 seconds of infamy (fame is pushing it and ya’ll know it) by releasing a sex tape. Gee, a woman famous for faking attraction to Flavor Flav has a sex tape. Shocker. I wouldn’t be surprised if one of her with a female is next on the list for the Luke girl because I know for a fact she used to mess with a female friend of mine.

That likely explains why she looks bored out of her mind in the clip floating around.

Either way, as amusing as some of the commentary has been on these nude shots and sex tapes, I’m really getting annoyed by how accepting we’ve become of pornographic publicity stunts.

I want people to remember they can have sex w/o being taped & leaked online. Develop talent, not a position.

For the celebrities who don’t want us all up in them, learn to get off without the use of your camera phone. Try masturbating or at the very least angle the camera away from your head. Do something because this is getting old quickly.

Breakaway From Seconds

I can already predict how this is going to go. The blogs will run wild with this photo, leading the tabloids to comment on how fat she’s gotten. Then, eventually Kelly Clarkson will be asked to comment on her obvious weight gain, which will lead her to pull a Tyra Banks and tell the world to kiss her fat ass.

Instead of the world doing the right thing and telling her we don’t have that kind of time, most will champion her for fighting the unrealistic standards of beauty the media places upon people.

I’ll be the first to admit that not everyone is meant to be a stick figure, but at the same time not everyone is meant to walk around like they’re caring twins called Snickers and Twix.

I like Kelly Clarkson and I appreciate her for a number of different reasons. She can actually sing and despite gaining fame from the most corporate and packaged shows on television, she managed to break away from that and try her hardest to be respected as a genuine artist. Although she fell flat on her face with the second album trying to do her music completely her way, I respect her for trying.

Still, she’s fat. When I first saw this picture I thought it was photoshopped.

Then I saw a second picture and realized that she’s been hitting the Chinese buffet too hard. Look at her: She looks ready to throw some BBQ sauce on the mic and make herself an on stage snack.

As a former fatty, I’m not grilling her for simply being overweight. She looks unhappy and more importantly, she looks really unhealthy. That can only lead to additional problems — including more difficulties singing live. Ya’ll have seen Aretha try to sing. Poor thing blows out more wind than your average hurricane during a performance.

I don’t know if she’s eating so much to help cope with she’s been forced to go back to recording with the cookie cutter hit makers she swore off or what, but I’m going to need her to go run a couple of laps before she morphs into Roseanne.

Help Gabrielle Union Pick Her Jaw Up

For more than a year now I’ve read countless celebrities bitch and complain about bloggers. One of the most outspoken critics of coloreds with cable connections is Gabrielle Union.

Let her tell it black bloggers are on par with crack dealers in on who’s out to destroy Black people.

Or more importantly, some talk about her in ways she prefer they didn’t. I wasn’t aware the woman was Jesus dipped in chocolate with a nice weave.

Here’s a thought, Gabby: If you don’t want people talking about you negatively, how about you not act in ways that make people wanna sing old ‘Pac (Track 4, Disc 02, All Eyez On Me).

Lady Simone, the entertainment reporter for the radio show “2 Live Stews,” had a story to tell on Gabrielle the other day.

According to Simone, while at a party for the Kentucky Derby, Gabby apparently confused herself with Angelina Jolie. It seems when an NFL player attempted to get into VIP to join his teammate already inside he was stopped by her.

She supposedly told him, “I’m sorry, honey, you can’t come in here. This is only for guys who make over six figures.”

His response: He pulled out a wad of cash and threw it into her face and then said, “I’m sorry, b—ch, I make seven.”

Gabby in turn lifted her jaw from the floor long enough to apologize to someone who likely has at least twice as much money as she does.

OK, I get it now. I’m a horrible person for posting about this. It’s my fault Gabrielle Union decided to become a bouncer in her spare time.

Last year, when she decided to speak out against bloggers, this is what she told AOL Black Voices:

“I almost get to a point where you can say whatever you want to say about me, but print some facts about our community that can help somebody. I don’t care because I combat lies. I really used to think that if you read it and you see it and it’s in a magazine, a newspaper or you see it on TV, then it has to be true. And it’s just not true! I don’t even know how to combat that except for do more good things for the people that I care about which is my own community.”

I wrote something the other day that I think will help our community, do I get a pass now? Actually, it shouldn’t matter because while I applaud her efforts to combat rape and breast cancer, why would anyone expect sociopolitical commentary from gossip blogs?

I’m not on the Huffington Post learning how to do the Ricky Bobby…stop, & pose for the frame, so why in the hell would I expect blogs centered on entertainment to keep up with the conflict in Darfur?

She continued to whine:

“Anytime you try to negate my voice and my character and what I stand for, you’re squashing all of the good work that I’m trying to do for our community.

No one is trying to stop her from her mission to be known as Sojourner Truth of Hollywood, but if folks are saying you have a stank attitude and playing yourself in public places, that’s your bad, pimpin’. Your rumored attitude does not take away from the good will you’re doing. On the other hand, those good deeds don’t excuse your nasty ways either.

Bah:

“It’s sad that people who have that forum where you have all this traffic… If I really did get arrested or stole someone’s flipping husband and the wife was calling me, sure. So if I do it, talk about it. I own that, I screwed up. It’s never happened! Don’t create crap that is negating one of the few voices in our community that actually likes Black people, loves Black men and is trying to do something with our community and make changes. Don’t try to kill that voice along with your stories so that you can get a couple of more subscribers. It’s just bulls–t and its unfortunate,” she concluded.

What’s unfortunate is that people get a little fame and suddenly think they’re to be worshiped and ogled at their publicist’s request.

I applaud her for staying relevant in an industry that likes Black women about as much dogs love Michael Vick, but that’s not cool.

Maybe this is all hearsay, so if that’s the case then my bad. But if not, she needs a reality check. She’s not Halle Berry. Hell, she’s not Vivica Fox, so she better watch her mouth before some dude throws a whole of quarters at her big ass head the next time she decides to act saddity.

Getting Right

This morning I woke up and ate Kashi cereal along with some Odwalla Superfood juice (it was on sale) for breakfast. This afternoon I attempted to eat a Kashi frozen dinner that I had a free coupon for (I told ya’ll I wrote “The Recession Diaries,” I’m not playing), but most of that ended up in the trash. The other parts of it are somewhere in the Los Angeles sewer system.

You see, the other day I went and tried on some clothes. When I took off my shirt, I didn’t want to break the mirror. I can’t remember the last time I felt that way. I believe Jade and Brownstone were still relevant at the time.

In any event, it made me feel quite good about my hard work at the gym, and inspired me to take my initiative to eat much healthier even further. Though it’s something I started doing a long time ago I want to eat even healthier.

Part of it is out of sheer practicality. I don’t have health insurance anymore. It doesn’t make sense for me to eat any and everything. Fast food is for people who can afford to have a stroke.

And to tell you the truth despite thinning out years ago I still sometimes channel my inner fat boy. That has got to stop, ya’ll. But eating healthy can be so boring sometimes. Not to mention a lot of health food looks and sometimes tastes like it belongs in a bowl for a dog named King.

Why can’t carrots taste like Chick-fil-A?

It gets worse. Do you know I’ve been trying to drink less, too? That means no catfish and Hennessy for. After a while I get to wondering, “This can’t be life, can it?”

Then I think about the alternative.

Like this heart attack wrapped in foil. This is chicken strips, mozzarella sticks, french fries, and a whole lot of grease. Eating like that can only lead you to a few places.

Here.

There.

Or in a doctor’s office for a consultation on gastric bypass.

Before you even wonder, no, this is not in the south. That’s a food truck in New York. Midtown to be exact.

Do not want.

Beyond the issue of fitness, some people are just nasty as hell.

Exhibit A. This is a picture from a Chinese carry out in D.C. I’m not sure which one, but I pray it’s not one I ever ate it. That fish is hanging next to a dumpster. While I’m thrilled to know it’s actual fish, I don’t like the fact that the D.C. rats can get dibs on it before actual customers can. And here I thought I only had to worry about whether the chicken is really chicken.

I takes a lot of self-control to stick with a healthier diet. I know myself and I know that I am greedy is hell and if I had my way I would eat all of the wrong things twice with seconds.

So I continually train myself to eat healthier. But yikes, it’s hard. Especially if you’re opting to cut back on alcohol. That helps the vegetables go down.

I want to eat healthier, get fit, but not sound like one of those crazy health nuts. I feel like I’m already headed towards that path. How do you strike a balance?

Leave your suggestions and chicken nuggets in the comments, please.

P.S. I’m not counting today in my fit plan. I had a margarita. In my defense, it’s been a very stressful day and being all one with the universe can only do so much.

For Jaheem & Carl

When I first started this blog I made sure to be as vague as possible about certain things. That had a lot to do with how I viewed myself professionally, not to mention on the personal side, I just don’t like telling a lot of people my business.

I’m a critical person, so I know exactly how people can be and what they will hold against you whenever presented with the opportunity. So despite being a pretty open person for the most part, there are certain things that I still keep from people. And just from experience, I know that if you give people just enough info they’ll learn to back off.

However, I’m sure if you’ve been reading this blog at least over the last year or so you have noticed I’m a bit more open and don’t hold back as much. Now if you’re thinking, “Damn, this is you holding back” uhh…kinda?

As blunt as it is, I love this quote from Teedra Moses:

“Just be your damn self. And if people don’t fool with it, then fuck them. Be yourself.”

In some ways, I’ve always believed that to be true, but I still let myself fall into the trap far more times than I would like to admit. But with every passing day I’m learning not to do that.

Unfortunately, two young boys recently made the decision that will prevent them from ever learning that same lesson.

I don’t want to get preachy, so I’ll just say despite however you may feel about gay people, two 11-year-old boys should never kill themselves for being called something they might not even be. And even if they were gay, no one should be taunting them to the point where they feel their only escape is tying an extension cord around their necks.

I love my people, but we can be such a hypocritical bunch and I find it strangely ironic where a lot of this hatred stems from. It is the very same thing that was done to us.

I’m not sure what will come of this for me personally or even professionally, but I hope that someone will take comfort in what I had to say in this piece.

Click here to read it.

Please read it, re-tweet it, pass it around, do whatever you can to get folks to read it and take it in. Seriously. I genuinely think it’s important for black people to start talking about this openly.

I Wanna Know

1. Aren’t old people hilarious?

2. I know it’s not right, but am I the only one who has sang the lines to “My Flow So Tight (Anti-Breezy)?”

3. Whose millions did Farrah Franklin borrow to get on Millionaire Matchmaker?

4. Since when was Jesus into water boarding?

5. Did anyone else read D. Woods’ post on Global Grind and wonder what the hell she was talking about?

6. Hasn’t Twitter, vlogs, and blogs made it painfully obvious just how uninteresting a lot of celebrities are?

7. Got giggles?

8. How grateful are you to Maxwell for releasing an R&B song that doesn’t feature a rapper and doesn’t include some random reference to some designer shoe or bag?

9. So Happy Meals aren’t what’s up on the playgrounds anymore, eh?

10. How much longer is T.I.’s victory lap to prison gonna last?

11. Is anyone else intrigued?

12. What has 50 Cent done for us lately?

13. Am I the only one who never bothered to watch a single episode of For The Love of Ray-J?

14. Did you know that Beyonce will fire you?

15. Doesn’t this dude look a lot more like Keefla from Road Rules than ‘Pac?

16. Name three actual sitcoms worth watching.

17. Now that Lil’ Kim has managed to become relevant again thanks to her stint on Dancing with the Stars, how long will it be before Foxy Brown is on MTV break dancing with a group of Asian kids?

18. Isn’t it sad how Tevin Campbell went from being one of the most talented teen vocalists ever to morphing into Tyrone Biggums?

19. Who in the hell would want to buy a scented candle from Gary Coleman?

20. Even if you may have to run your iPod pass the free clinic, aren’t you loving Electrik Red?

In Health News

I’m on my way to drop off something at the post office (think happy thoughts, ya’ll) and I just came across this video.

All we need now is a Swine Flu dance.