Me on BET on CP Time

Forgive my lateness. To be honest, I planned on not doing commentary on the BET Awards this year.

I was actually at the venue working for the site, so I thought that would be enough. Then again, ya’ll me know and needless to say, whenever I write for corporate entities the muzzle is placed on. I need this space to release. I just wasn’t sure I wanted to bother releasing anything in this instance.

However, I’ve gotten IMs, emails, and Tweets like “Where’s MUH POST, NEGRO?!” so I guess it was to be expected of me to rant on it. That makes me feel all special and shit. Thanks ya’ll.

Alright, let me warn you now that I’m going to do my best to be as honest as possible. Yet at the same time, I honestly enjoy every little check that comes my way so this post and Google will not be infringing on that, ya dig?

Now let’s hop to my thoughts on the Jamie Foxx & Ne-Yo Honor Michael Jackson Kinda Awards.

1. New Edition Cannot Sing Worth A Damn Anymore

I think it’s great they took the time out of their oh so busy schedules to step in and pay homage to the Jackson 5, but Jesus be a throat lozenge for Ralph Tresvant. Why didn’t they let Ricky or Johnny sing lead? God knows Ralph and Bobby can’t do really hold it down the way they used to anymore.

And no disrespect to the Kang of R&B, because ya’ll know I love him but he sure is big now, isn’t he? I guess that coke diet is better than Master Cleanse. Homie looks like he ate his entire past before he stepped on stage.

2. You Don’t Need 50 Men Around You All The Time

Why is it so hard to get these rappers and athletes to walk solo? No one is going to shoot you en route to the podium.

3. That’s Elvis, Baby, Not Michael

Bless Keri Hilson’s heart. She is trying so hard to be great. She’s still not the best performer, but I would say this performance was a step up to previous ones I’ve seen. However, minus the pair of Michael Jackson’s old shoes and socks she bought from Papa Joe in the parking lot, her performance looked more like influenced by Jail House Rock than Mr. Beat It.

And what exactly was that the point of that impromptu acapella performance she delievered at the end? Why won’t some people leave well enough alone?

If you answer to prove she can really sing, you get an equal fail. Don’t do that anymore, Keri.

Sidenote: She’s gorgeous. Saw her on Friday while covering the rehearsals. She was shit’n on you hoes in sweats.

4. Two Points For You

Ne-Yo the Negro. I adore “Lady In My Life” and I think Ne-Yo did an excellent rendition of it. I’m not even a huge fan of him or his vocals, but he really did well last night and I’m more inclined to check out his material now.

5. Don’t Do That Anymore

Ciara. What person with questionable hearing keeps telling this chick it’s OK for her to sing in front of anyone besides her shower head?

6. Did Ya’ll Know

That Jamie Foxx is going on tour? If not, you must have not watched a second of this show because they mentioned it every other second.

P.S. Go see Jamie Foxx on tour. That way, if someone reads this and sucks their teeth at me, I can at least say I tried to hold it down.

7. I Am Nothing Without You

Where was Soulja Boy’s special friend, Arab? Soulja Boy isn’t a skilled enough performer to be on stage without his man. Pause. Kidding, have ya’ll seen those two together on YouTube? GO.

8. LeToya Luckett Is

…the cutest thing. I adore her. I need to meet her and take a picture. If you’re wondering, yes I want us to both throw up the Clarke in the shot. I love this girl’s personality. Someone give her a show. Now.

9. Mrs. Eh.

Beyonce sounded lovely, but I can’t say I would be mad if I never saw the performance again. It doesn’t help that I’ve seen it already from YouTube minus the hooker wedding dress she was wearing. Like I said, vocally she did well, but I don’t care for these sorts of songs from her. They’re devoid of any real emotion despite the attempts at passionate delivery. I believe she’s better at masking that quality when performing something uptempo or at least with a bit more oomph.

And don’t even ask me what the hell was that she was wearing. Consider it the only thing close to a wedding shot you’re gonna get from her.

10. I Want To See

Skank Robbers. Best part of the show to me. Don’t judge me.

11. God Goes Hard

When did Jesus hook up with Swizz Beats and why didn’t yall tell me about it? It’s been a minute since I’ve stepped inside of a church, but if they have anything close to what Mary Mary is singing, I’m done for a visit. I might even chip in the collection plate so they can get Auto-Tune.

Now, one of those Mary’s turned me off by comparing people like me to murderers, but I’ll just tell folks I went to see the other one. ”

12. Groove Me

The tribute was nice, but I wanted to see Guy perform “Groove Me.” I still dance to that song. Don’t believe me? Find me in the gym.

13. Keep It Short

They went a bit overboard with the mini-reenactment of Baby Boy. Michael Jackson is guns? The BET Video Music Awards?

Michael worked very hard to fight drug abuse in the 80s, folks.

14. Team Skinny

Monica gave it to ya’ll in her dominatrix get-up. I cannot wait for her to come back. I was listening to “So Gone” yesterday and if she comes back with the right material I am positive (not really, but one can hope) she can find at least some lane for herself.

And also saw her over the weekend. She is ridiculously gorgeous.

Oh yeah, Keyshia was cool, too, but despite it being her song Monica stole the show.

15. Eh-Z

Jay-Z’s material over the last couple of years is like hot for a millisecond, then you forget all about it and go back to the classics. Next topic.

16. Don Cornelius

I know he’s like 107 years old, but he was rambling about a bunch of nothing in a voice far weaker than his backhand would suggest.

17. So Nice To Know You’re Still Alive

Tevin looked like a homeless man they picked up off the street and gave a bath to, but at least he can still sing.

Speaking of people who can still sing, Johnny Gill is a beast. He, Jody, and Baby Kellz did a nice tribute. Better than the real ones. Don’t tell Eddie Levert that, though. Don’t want to be cursed out.

18. Somebody’s Getting Fired

You can bleep the word “butt,” but I come home and turn on my TV to hear shit. Nice.

19. And The Rest

Maxwell never disappoints on stage. Not everyone can say that.

So far, keep Drake on that list of those who can’t. Wheelchair Jimmy is dope on the mixtapes, but not necessarily on the stage. I’ve noticed this. Granted, in this instance he was bound to a stoop, but something so far seems amiss. We’ll see if he gets it soon, though.

As for Weezy and co. singing about smashing every girl in the world with his seed and underage friends on stage: I wish I could call every CPS officer in the world.

20. The End

Janet was touching. The closing performance was random. To be fair to Jamie and Ne-Yo, they did perform a combined 89 times that tonight.

Lastly, I’m well aware of the flack BET has received for its tribute to Michael Jackson. I get people’s concerns, but seriously, award shows take months to plan and then days before the show is to air the greatest entertainer of all time dies. It’s really hard to put together anything that would appease people in that short amount of time.

No, that’s not me sucking up. Shoot, I had slave seats so I have no reason to suck up. I’m just saying.

I don’t think the show was very good, but not solely because of the perceived lack of effort to properly honor my namesake. If they don’t get it right later this year, then I’ll understand everyone’s grips.

Well that’s it, someone drop a lil’ change in my PayPal. I didn’t nab a baller that night.

P.S. Jamie Foxx is going on tour.

P.S.S. Coming Soon: Jamie Foxx

Gay Be Gone

I could sit here and write a lengthy diatribe about this, but I’m not really up for it. Reason being if you feel a certain type of way about gay people in lieu of your religious beliefs (or convenient interpretations of said beliefs), then nothing I say will convince you that this video has got to be one of the stupidest things I’ve ever watched in my entire life.

I could invite those marred with strife over their tolerance of homosexuality (or engagement) conflicting with their Christian beliefs to watch documentaries like For The Bible Tells Me So, but I get the feeling such a request would fall on deaf ears. Documentaries have never been what’s hot in the streets.

Or I could invite you to simply forgo what you’ve been told most of your life, pick up the book and read it for yourself. Then do a little research, followed up with a second, third, and fourth reading. But reading is and always has been for suckers.

As is deductive reasoning apparently.

All I’ll say is that while I do get frustrated, as someone brought up in church, I don’t hate religion. I think it has value and has purpose. Faith is important for everyone regardless of what dogma it stems from.

However, I do loathe with everything in me how religion is used as a crutch by idiots to excuse their stupidity. I find faith with no sense of reasoning to be dangerous. History would agree.

I feel sorry for this kid in the video. Videos like this are the reason why so many people of various lifestyles succumb to mental problems, abuse, and misery.

Prayer can do a lot of things, but remixing genetics isn’t one of them.

Jesus be a damn clue.

Selling Sex & Fries


In nasty bastard news, a special shout out goes to the perverse mind who came up with this ad. As if Burger King hasn’t gotten disgusting enough over the years, now when you think of meals at Burger King the phrase “semen snack” will pop into your brain.

I’m not being a prude; rather, just a person who can appreciate a clever ad when I spot one. That ain’t it (c) Johnta Austin.

Like a desperate R&B singer clinging to her cooch to move units in lieu of wack material (more on that later), Burger King has opted to take the “sex sells” approach to selling food that has come to look about as appeasing as the inside of a can of Alpo. My stance on this is no different: It reads as desperate, and thus more off putting. It doesn’t help the sandwich looks like a recipe for heart failure.

I used to love Burger King. Their onion rings were great, and when I ate beef, I thought the Whooper was a good alternative when one couldn’t find a Wendy’s or was sick of eating McDonald’s. And their chicken nuggets – before they became anorexic – were good eating (as far as fast food goes). Same for their chicken whooper.

There’s a Burger King around the corner from me. I don’t really eat fast food as much anymore, so while Burger King has become somewhat of the Ross and Marshalls of fast food chains in terms of pricing, I do not want. If this ad was supposed to change my mind, marketing plan fail.

Maybe if they promise to give me a free kiddie crown from the old days I might be convinced to step back in time and engage them. If not, my heart will pass.

But it’s not just BK jumping in on the sexy food angle to fatten us up.

Really, Quinzos? Y’know, I prefer them over Subway, but this is stupid, too. OK, let me stop sounding so self-righteous. This ad actually made me laugh a little, but I wanted to try these torpedoes anyway. If this ad runs late at night, then I suppose it’s fine. But if this runs during the day time when kids are home, that’s a negative.

Just last night I was tweeting about loving Kut Klose’s “I Like” since I was 9-years-old. Why was I listening that at 9? Granted, I’m no superfreak, but you get what I’m saying.

I’ll even give Burger King the benefit of the doubt and say if the poster were only hung in strip clubs or somewhere where not too many Happy Meal eaters could see it maybe I’m inclined to be less critical.

Ya’ll let me know. Am I being a prude or am I being fair for not wanting my meals with a side of Trojan?

Politicians Jig, Too, Ya’ll

So it seems even politicians like to get their morning jigs in. Caught this video this morning and haven’t been right in the head since.

First off, let me just say that I love Ms. Bobby. While she introduced Hurricane Chris to the house she straight called them out like, “Don’t act like you haven’t heard it.” And she noted that they had cake in the back. That is some southern hospitality for you. She sounds like good people. I bet she could out booty do Soulja Boy.

As much as I love me some “Ay Bay Bay” and “Hallleeeeeeeee Berrrrrrrry,” I’m not sure if it warrants a proclamation from the Louisiana State Legislature for outstanding musical accomplishments. Then again, Louisiana is the land of bounce music, so in that respect Hurricane Chris is keeping the tradition of helping people to barack that ass and make it go Obama (deep sigh) alive.

I suppose it could be worse: He could be saying I’m gonna sell you coke, give you a stroke, then poke you with a hollow point.

Please note that the older paler gentleman reading Chris’ list of accomplishments before the House noted the position Chris’ video on 106 & Park. Someone twitter that news to Terrence J. and Rocsi.

As for Chris, you can tell that he is eating this up. And why shouldn’t he? He was called to the Lousiana State Legislature to be honored for a song he probably wrote in five minutes after catching the last hour of B*A*P*S on basic cable. I love that he tried to size up “Halle Berry (She Fine)” as a self-esteem boosting anthem for women.

In that case, are songs like “Monkey On That Dick” promoting acceptance of female sexuality?

I actually spoke with Hurricane Chris earlier this year. I helped do some of the reporting for feature on the southern dance movement for XXL. Chris is a nice dude. He didn’t take himself too seriously and I didn’t end the conversation feeling like I needed to send him some Dr. Suess (unlike some singers/rappers of every region). I’ve since made his quote, “You better respect it, check it, or get disconnected” my new life mantra.

I beg of you to please watch the entire video. This Negro performed most of “Halle Berry (She Fine)” before members of the state government. Then some member of the House asked him to make a song about someone else in the House because she’s fine, too.

Between this and Michelle Obama taking her children to get bodied last night at the Beyonce concert in D.C., you can’t tell me the jig movement is real. Stop sleeping.

My Jerry Lewis Game Is Proper

I know, I know: It’s a recession.

When your pimp calls you to say the block ain’t hot like it used to be, it’s hard to break off people with a little cash. I understand and I feel you, but I’m going to ask you to help my teacher friend help the babies anyway.

Here’s the prompt:

A rousing game of Jeopardy is a favorite activity among my students. Currently, the game consists of the chalkboard, chalk, reading questions from index cards, teams raising hands (with arguing about which team had their hand in the air first), and some students who are bored with the board that would rather play video games.

I am requesting an interactive Jeopardy game system, with a classroom link and a blank cartridge. Your help will make it possible to provide students with an interactive learning experience inside of the classroom where students learn things in a way that is different from what they are used to in the classroom. It is an excellent educational tool that garners even the most apprehensive learner’s attention!

My donation was very recession friendly, and trust me, it’s not a hustle. Ms. Smith is a teacher at Willowridge in Houston, Texas. If you want to donate, click here.

If you don’t, send it to someone that does and pray teacher can meet her goal. I’m not about to go all telethon on you, but I’ll say this: Ya’ll saw ATL. Do you really want to hear more children sound like slaves on skates?

I rest my case.

Who Wants To Drive Down 1-95 & Blast Some Rihanna?


I think it’s a good thing that Fist Brown’s case has finally been settled and we can all move on from stewing in our respective soapboxes.

To be frank: Reading some of the user comments on various blogs made me question everyone’s right to reproduce.

Take for instance yesterday where I read women saying Rihanna should’ve gotten community service, too. Excuse me, but I read Chris Brown beat her down, bite her ears and fingers, and told her he was going to beat her even more when they got home — which leads me to believe that he wasn’t a virgin in the ways of Ike Turner. Now, did Rihanna even pinch Chris Brown hard? Why should she work at soup kitchens when it was her who got banged up?

Oh, and then there are the people who say “Oooh, now the dirt on her is coming.” What is wrong with some of ya’ll out there in the world? Did your mama free base instead of breast feed? If Chris Brown really had anything to rationalize why he beat Rihanna like she bested him in a dance off, why on Earth would he cop a plea deal to a felony?

Chris Brown is now a convincted felon. How many packages of Doublemint gum do you think his newfound street cred will move? I’m not guessing as many as his own brand of soap on a rope.

You’ve got to be one delusional stan all caught up in his Kool-Aid grin (respect: I have one, too) to think he held back out of respect for her. If he respected her that much he wouldn’t have banged up her George Foreman (thank you, Mariah). And if he really had anything on her that devastating it would’ve come out by now.

She might have been the aggressor in many other instance, and she may very well be out of her mind as they say. But, in the end, he beat her down in his car on a public street so if it weren’t “as bad as the media (booga, booga, booga) had made it seem,” then he’d be copping plea deals to misdemeanors, not felonies.

They tried that and it didn’t work, so there you go. He’s now playing with his tour money.

Now I’ve admitted to my own shallowness at times. We all suffer from it in varying degrees. However, you have to separate someone’s pretty face from their actions. Especially if their actions result in you looking like a Crash Test Dummy the second they have a temper tantrum.

I’m going to pray, wish on a star, and drop pennies in the pond for some of you future frequents of the battered women’s shelters across America.

All jokes aside, your temperament disturbs me and it’s unfortunate patriarchy and the rampant misogyny in our culture has your mind remixed into thinking any of what Chris Brown did was acceptable.

While I don’t approve of what he did and how he showed no remorse at all, I also hope Chris Brown gets the help he needs. It’s for his own good anyway. If he even thinks about backhanding a girl he’ll be doing the booty do from his bunk buddy in jail.

His career won’t suffer too bad and as sad as that is, maybe it will dawn on him to finally speak out on what he did wrong. It’s not hard to forget no one is perfect, but it’s hard to embrace those who fail to acknowledge their transgressions.

And on that note, I’m done.

Image via That Bitch @ Rhymes With Snitch.

P.S. Is Chris Brown’s publicist kin to Rihanna? Why is he giving his songs titles like “Smash” and “Not My Fault?” Someone close to you hates you, Chris.

Por Favor, Mi Amour

Disclaimer: That’s about as much Spanish as I know. Thank you, k-12 education.

Anyhow, ’tis time for me to make my monthly request for solicitation.

If I can be blunt basically: Can you please go read my recession blog, register and leave comments?

Also, if you can provide any constructive criticism and feedback, I’d be most grateful.

Today’s post is centered on women selling ass for cash on a discount. Basically: Sex isn’t selling the way it used to, so is there still a point in spreading them wide eagle to the highest bidder if the pay off isn’t what it used to be.

Of course, I didn’t write it in those terms, but you should still check it out and more importantly, register on the site and leave a comment!

Don’t you want to do that for me? No, well you should do it anyway! C’mon nah. Don’t let me become a victim of the recession my damn self.

You can click to the right side of the page under the image of Rihanna struntin’ to access The Recession Diaries or you can click here to read today’s entry.

Please, like pretty Beyonce, Halle Berrrrrrrrry please?

Oh, and because of this thread’s title I thought of one of the cheesiest songs ever.

Enjoy (well, not really):

Now go read The Recession Diaries (and my other blogs, too, while you’re at it…shoot).

Today In Stupid

There are people over in Iran risking their lives to stand up for freedom while some of us are over here wasting brain cells shouting at a comedian who made a joke in poor taste that he’s since apologized for.

These misinformed minions are standing outside of David Letterman’s studio to protest in an effort to get him banished from CBS. Such a scenario is about as likely as Soulja Boy becoming a Pulitzer Prize winning author, but hey, who am I to tell people to give up?

On second thought, I’d rather flat out say these people need to find a new hobby.

Why is the woman at the beginning of the video claiming Letterman made a rape joke? He did not, nor did was Willow Palin at an American basketball game. Curse the person who let her non-reading self board the bus to bitch in New York.

Then there’s the old woman dressed like a bumble bee saying Letterman is too old to be hosting the late show. That’s like me saying Paula Patton is too black to be getting work as an actress. Logic fail.

Even loonier are the people talking about fascism. Why in the hell are you talking about fascism on a show that features the likes of Paris Hilton and Beyonce? Same for the idiot woman trying to call David Letterman’s child a bastard. If that’s the case, what are you calling Bristol Palin’s child — y’know, since you’re there supposedly to step up for the Palin family.

As for the fool talking about fascism and socialism rolling his neck and snapping his fingers at the black woman outside of the studio: Racist much?

“Close the borders. Save your children from David Letterman. He will rape them with his mouth.”

I can’t.

White readers – and I know ya’ll are here – come get your people.

A Star Is Born

Praise upon more praise to Brian from Concrete Loop for bringing this wonderful person into my life via his Twitter.

Normally, there’s only so much I can take from people I feel should come with a tiara and batteries (no offense, but I’m just a calmer personality is all), but how you can deny this man’s greatness? He is officially my favorite person for at least 36 more hours.

If you don’t know, lambs go hard. If you wanted to send someone to North Korea to tell Kim Jong-il to sit his munchkin stiletto wearing ass down and stop causing problems, tell this lamb that he said Christina Aguilera sings better than Mariah Carey. One swift hi-ya kick to the throat (not like he’d have extend his leg that high) from him is the type of unilateral negotiation we need.

Moving right along, as you can tell from the video, rlaehddnjs is a sassy one inspired by the queen of all things pre-teen. Evidently, homie doesn’t know English all well, but that’s OK, though. It’s not like the lyrics to “Touch My Body” are all that great of a representation of the language anyway.

Still, you can’t help but laugh at him repeatedly saying “ram it in my thigh” and talking about his one lonely curve. Jesus be a link to AZlyrics.com.

And check the choreography. Clearly he’s been attending the Mariah Carey school of dance. What a pity considering the Korean girl that used to always get on Soul Train probably has all of the free time in the world to get dude together.

Do you want to hear more of this diva? Of course you do.

Here’s another classic performance:

As you can see, dude goes all out. He stole his little sister’s shirt for this. If you can’t get enough of him, do check out his rendition of “We Belong Together.” I swear in the clip he’s wearing Barney’ s vacation shirt.

Hopefully this gives you laughs and you’re not looking at me like my brain cells have committed suicide. No, they haven’t but reading about Ayatollah Khamenei is depressing. This makes me laugh. So laugh with me.

I Don’t Want To Let Auto-Tune Go

I know the Pop-Pop of Hip-Hop has declared the death of Auto-Tune, but in case you missed the previous post, I could care less what he thinks is over (and I’m a fan). Besides, I’ve already forgotten his song (Reasonable Doubt >anything post The Blueprint).

I will admit that Auto-Tune has been overused to the point of ad nauseam, but I would be lying if I said I still didn’t get my morning jigs in to certain songs that use it. Yes it’s a gimmick, but unless the song just completely sucks, I’m not that pressed if an artists decided to channel their inner T-Troutman.

Burn at me at the stake in the comments section if you must, but here are a couple of songs that use Auto-Tune that I still like.

Mariah Carey: “Obsessed”

OK, so this song hasn’t even been out for 24 hours and I’m starting a list with it…I get it. Lamb game proper.

I understand some of you are longing for the days where Mariah sang schmaltzy ballads that highlighted her purported seven-octave range. To that I say: That’s what iTunes is for. It’s the perfect outlet for you and your credit card to reminisce.

Is “Obsessed” on the level of anything found on Butterfly? Maybe if you’re high, it is. Otherwise, it’s just it’s a fun song with funny one liners. Mariah swears she’s going to have big ballads on the new album and only released this because she wanted a fun record for summer. I’ll take her at her word and embrace my inner peacock in the meantime.

If you’re wondering where that phrase came from, well, when I was on Twitter I said this song was a cluck anthem, but Stilleto Jill worded it much better: “Release your inner peacock ( a much prettier bird).”

Thank her. Follow her.

Mary J. Blige feat. Drake: “The One”

When Mary was asked about Jay-Z’s “D.O.A.” she hit back with:

“I won’t say that it bothers me, because people do what they have to do,” she told Martinez. “I can’t pass judgment. Everyone else does what they do, and everyone has their own opinion. To each his own. Do what you do, because I do what I do.”

Translation: “I don’t give a damn.”

Nor should she. I love this song. More and more I’m feeling like I should be calling her Auntie Mary, but in her defense, she would be the cool Aunt. The one who gets drunk and tries to do the Halle Berry at Thanksgiving. Speaking of drunk, when I first heard this song I could’ve sworn Mary was shouting, “STOP LOOKING FOR LIKKA STO'” in the hook of the track. I’ve since realized she’s saying, “Stop looking for…for…”

That’s not as fun so sometimes I still sing the lines as I initially thought they went.

Either way I can’t wait to see Mary break out her 1992 moves in the video.

Steph Jones: “Shooting Star”

I thought I was random until I read Steph Jones’ tweets. Actually, I still am, but his level of randomness is leaps and bounds ahead of mine yet for some reason it’s very refreshing. Anyhow, I was somewhat indifferent to him when he was with DTP, but the more I listen his music the more I take to his more ecletic style of music. This song uses Auto-Tune and I like the way he uses it so much I still would like one of you to get me a vocoder for Christmas. As you all know, I celebrate Christmas in both December and July, so gon’ head and hop to it.

Young Money – “Every Girl”

Want to know how much I like this song? Catch me in the club when this song comes on. I’ll rap Wayne’s first word-for-word with so much energy you would actually think I was into that funny shit (i.e. the cat trap). Yeah, I don’t like her, ain’t worried about her, and would push her out of the way to get to her brother, but the fact that I’ll sing the song like I wrote it proves how much I enjoy this song.

Then there’s Kanye’s last album, select tracks from Drake, and T-Pain’s entire catalog.

I really do agree that someone people need to be smacked upside the head by T-Pain’s big ass chain for overusing Auto-Tune, but until Chaka Khan comes out with an Auto-Tune assisted single, I’m not ready to give it up just yet.

You know what I would love to see wane off in rap? How about promoting the drug culture or rappers pretending to be in the Italian mob? Ooh, what about misogyny? Even better: How about rappers pushing 40 starting to act their age. I mean, if we’re going to put a bullet in Auto-Tune let’s kill off some other bullshit, too.