Whoop Rico

What’s going on readers? I thought we were better than this. Are you all punishing me for not updating enough? In my defense, I write a lot everyday. Plus, ya’ll know I’m training to get in go-go boy shape should this whole writing thing not pan out. Do you know how many trips to the gym and consultations with plastic surgeons that entails? Your man is busy!

I know some of you may be Lawry’s about me not posting enough, but c’mon nah, how could you keep this dance away from me? Do you want to know how I found out about this? My LA-based roommate had to fill me in. And she got it from some other person who knows very little about southern dances. That person only knew because she saw Elmo doing it.

ELMO!

Elmo knew about this dance before I did. That ain’t right, people. That ain’t right.

But you know what, it’s all good. I should be more engaged in this anyway. I get my morning jigs in, but I’ve been rocking the same old twirk to the same songs for too long. I needed to be on the hunt for new dances anyway. However, this right here isn’t going to cut it.

This dance reminds me that ya’ll are getting older. It’s like they took a beat, screwed it, then watched the “Thriller” video then decided to put a country meets retardation spin on it. Speaking of retardation, whenever they say “Whoop Rico” in unison, I want to pretend my wrist had a seziure, put it under my chin and move it back and forth really fast.

There is something really different about ATL dances. Ya’ll tend to be a bit more violent with ya’ll’s. I’m not sure who Rico is and why everyone wants to whoop his ass, but I’m not all that keen on learning this dance. I mean, don’t get me wrong, later on today I’m going to pay closer attention to the tutorial just in case, but still, that doesn’t mean I’m going to actually do it.

Not that they play anything worth dancing to in LA anyway.

In the future, though, don’t hold out on me. It hurts our ‘e-lationship.’

That Obama

As I’ve made it clear multiple times in the past, I like ign’t southern music. So much in fact that I don’t think I can dance to anything else. Take this weekend for example. I was supporting my friend – a promoter – who was having this event at none of your damn business. I know what crowd he’s into so I wasn’t expecting to catch a case of the jigs. Sorry, techno music is not nor will it ever be my thing.

Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump. Thump.

No. Hell no. You must be crazy. Negro, White Man, Asian, Latino, Arab, Mariah Carey please.

I can’t do it. While I’m glad the event turned out well for him, I had to sneak in a midnight jig to satisfy my spirit. That led me to one of my favorite music blogs, Nola Bounce. As you know, I love bounce music. I wish more people knew about it so they can get the credit they deserve. Shoot, half of ya’ll are dancing to songs that swagger jack old bounce songs anyway.

That said, I check out this to find old gems or maybe new ones. Remember how I mentioned breaking my iPod dancing to “Sex Shooter” in the bathroom? Yeah, I never recovered all of my songs. I try to get whatever I can from this site. They have classics like “Monkey On That Dick,” old Juvi, etc.

Before you even go there: I know these songs are terrible. Some are all sorts of stupid and should not be supported by the likes of a college educated Black man. But yeah, I’m country as hell and bounce always does the trick. Forgive me, brother Malcolm.

Anyhow, I’m checking out the site and come across an entry entitled “That Obama Bounce.” I instantly sigh as I know where this is going.

Turns out the song is called “Barack That Ass & Make It Go Obama.”

They have the nerve to take a standard bounce beat, mesh it with Mary J. Blige’s beat from “No More Drama” (or I should say, the theme song to The Young & The Restless) and toss in a few of the Obama campaign’s slogans and make a two minute tribute to stupidity. Even I have my limits and this song has reached it.

You silly coloreds: It’s people like ya’ll who keep the Uncle Ruckus’ of the world employed by Rupert Murdoch.

After I listened to this song I got the sudden urge to call the KKK and ask if they offer honorary memberships. Ooh, I love my people but some of ya’ll make it too easy for Michael Jackson to swim in a pool of bleach. Why?!

Oh and it gets worse. Do ya’ll know there is weed named after the President? That’s right, I’ve heard people say they wanna smoke that Obama. I wanna lace their shit with Ritalin.

Come on, Black people. You can make dances out of funky legs, video games, or your favorite combo from Popeye’s, but please let’s not reduce the first Black president to “Barack that ass and make it Obama.”

And even though Barack Obama himself has Newport mouth, that doesn’t mean he wants you to name bricks after him. He wants you to read and stimulate your brain cells, not smoke a blunt and murk them.

When Tributes Become Diss Records

Have they changed the meaning of the word tribute and no one told me about it? This is Deena Jonez, an unsigned artist (shocker) being spotlighted on World Star Hip Hop. As you can see, she took a cue from Janet Jackson’s classic “Nasty Boy” and flipped it into something they’re calling a “tribute.”

I’m not one to kill anyone’s dreams, but that ain’t it (c) Johnta Austin.

It’s not anything close to it.

I’m sure it never will be it.

In fact, Deena should never try it again.

This video looks like it cost .75 cents. No wait, $5.25. My friend on AIM said he got that shirt one of the guys was wearing for $4.50 at Aero.

I know Janet Jackson hasn’t given us much to be proud of in recent years, but no one deserves this. I’m sure Janet would rather you spit in her face or take away her peach cobbler than post a video like this on the internet and call it a tribute.

Not to mention this video makes me ask one important question: Who gave her clearance to sample the song? It’s bad enough Plies was able to get Janet and her song for a remix, but now this chick gets a pass? What’s going on, Damita? The family sucking your investments dry now that Michael owes nearly every person on Earth at least $7?

Morning Jig

Yes, that’s me dancing on the sidewalk. Don’t act like you’ve never done it.

If you don’t have health care and refuse to commit a crime, I have the next best solution to taking anti-depressant drugs. When you wake up in the morning, give yourself time to lounge around a little, meditate, maybe even channel your inner T-Boz — do whatever morning vice(s) work for you basically. Then, turn on your computer or grab your iPod and turn on the most ignorant song you have. The second you start hearing some functioning illiterate talk about guns, ass, cash, or all of the above from your speakers or headphones, get up and dance.

If you have enough time, find another song and then repeat the step.

Yesterday, a friend of mine told me that I get more ign’t by the day. That may very well be true, but you know what? Whenever I take a minute to jig and act the fool solo, I feel much better. There have been times where I wanted to commit jihad against people who could very well be their own birth control ad, but instead of blowing up at them I turn on my music and let it go.

No, this isn’t praise dancing. It’s more like p-poppin, only we’re not gonna call it that because that would make me sound like I should come in a box with a biscuit and Cajun fries. I don’t need any of you leaving comments like “cluck if you buck.”

My taste may be a little different than yours, but here are a few songs that help me start my day.

UGK – “Take It Off”

A classic and don’t you ever forget it.

The Hot Boys feat. Big Tymers – “I Need A Hot Girl”

Second verse same as the first.

Trina – “Look Back At Me”

She may act like she’s a Sunday School teacher on Twitter, but we know better.

DJ Duck – “Buss It Open”

OK, so I already know you’re judging me, but in my defense, I was trying to be classy about it so I avoided better songs like “Monkey On That Dick” and “Gimme What You Got (For A Porkchop).” I imagine anyone from New Orleans, other parts of the Boot, and Houston and Dallsa didn’t flinch one bit at the song titles.

Geisha – “Shit’n On You Hoe”

I think Fresh everyday for bringing this song to my life. When you are feeling down, turn this on and remind yourself that you are beautiful, intelligent, wonderful, and if you twist it the left, to the right…to the left, right, left, right.

Sidenote: There’s nothing like driving with this song blasting and scaring older Korean women. True story.

Guy – “Groove Me”

Don’t even try it. This song may be as old as segregation to ya’ll, but I love it and if I choose to sometimes dance like flat tops and acid wash still matter, let me make it.

Apollonia 6 – “Sex Shooter”

I think the best way to dance to this song is on a public street in midtown New York with a woman six months pregnant (true story), but I know easier said than done in Kentucky or Korea (hey, I don’t have a passport, but my blog does) so try the mirror in your bathroom or something. Just be sure you don’t drop your iPod in the water trying to kiss the gun (true story).

I’m going to cut the list now, because if I keep going this will turn into an anthology long entry. If you follow me on Twitter, I usually share my morning jig track of the day.

Also, Kid Fury has the feature “Hoodrat track of the day.” That’s a good way to build up your collection.

You may think I sound crazy, but trust me, this helps quell my desire to throw my Blackberry against the wall — and I just bought that phone.

For the record, as I’ve said previously, make sure you maintain some sense of spirituality. Bird anthems can only do so much for the soul. Jesus before jig, Allah before Absolut, all that.

That being said, for those of you who won’t act too good, what gets you going in the AM?

Praise M

The devil is a liar…and apparently can be super sized.

I get that this is all in jest, but I actually have a fear that somehow, someway this video will find its way into the inbox of some marketing executive at McDonald’s and that person will in turn create a publicity campaign around a bunch of happy fat Black people singing about chicken nuggets as if they were created on the eighth day.

McDonald’s has already offered to pay rappers to mention they drink Nuvo with their Big Macs. Then we saw that fake R&B song with a real member of R&B’s failed male band club. Now you’ve got Dwele leading poetry and soul night to shill that McSwaggerJack coffee brand the company is hoping will give a recession bitch slap to Starbucks.

Any day now McDonald’s will have commercials of us eating Mickey D’s at the car wash on MLK.

I Need Answers

1. Couldn’t Michael Jackson at least have purchased some Creole or biracial kids?

2. Shouldn’t Eve have claimed those tweets aimed at Chris Brown as hers considering she hasn’t been relevant since the launch of the Palm Treo?

3. Did Bow Wow really say “Can I get two snaps in the chat room?” the other day?

4. Though she may be pretty, am I the only one who thinks Cassie has the body of a transgendered Japanese man?

5. What kind of lucky charm does Janet Jackson have between her legs?

6. I still get confused. Is this what they mean when they say “cunt boots?”

7. Am I the only one who thinks that new Kelly Rowland song should be sent back to the 90s rave it came from?

8. Give me one word to describe this.

9. Jay-Z is a 40-year-old who dresses like he’s 21. Should I care what trends he wants to die?

10. If I released an album this week and it only sold 12 copies, would I still make the top ten on the Billboard 200 next week?

11. Doesn’t Lil’ Wayne’s “Kobe Bryant” sound like what if fellatio came with a beat?

12. As far as the pause police goes, isn’t the idea of keeping tab of any and everything “suspect” a pause in itself?

“I’ve been in the biz 17 years, so everyone is used to me naming my records. So I wanted to mix it up a little. I want whoever listens to the record to call it what they want, name it themselves based on what they feel listening to the music.”

13. What the hell is Pissy talking about?

14. How long before Rihanna starts wearing her hair like Little Richard?

15. Can Chris Brown at least show a skeet taste (© Kim) of remorse?

16. Why not get a matching bracelet saying “Shoot my ass?!”

17. Does anyone have an mp3 of the theme song from 227?

18. Am I the only one who feels like Twitter is ruining the mystique of some celebrities?

19. Speaking of Twitter, are you following me? (Self-promotion game proper)

20. Does she even bother trying to dance anymore?

If I Were A Pub

Yet another reason why publicists need to join together and start a revolt against Twitter. It’s making their jobs way too hard.

Judging from past interviews, I imagine the members of Icky Ricky wouldn’t know media training if it knocked them upside the head with a lawsuit.

I have to admit, though, I would’ve never heard of their new single if not for Spectacular’s stunt, so while he’s obviously raised his profile I’m gonna assume overall this may have not been the best move for him.

Bless his uneducated heart for continuing to lead the “I ain’t a gay, I just dance like one” campaign, but I wish someone would be kind enough to sit him down, speak slowly, and help him understand that he needs to turn the camera off for a second.

That or quit fighting the urge to pop back at those who thinks he pops his hips for dudes.

I’m not a publicist, but since I’m hearing that even some of my favorite writers have turned to “the dark side” because there ain’t nothing going on but the rent, I thought to give this PR thing I try.

You know, just in case my readership stops growing and my profile gets this bitch slap down to the floor.

Now if I were a publicist designed to inform Spec about why channeling “T-Shirt and Panties” sans the t-shirt wasn’t the best idea, I’d say:

1. You could dance around in overalls and flannel like the Brawny man and there’s no way in hell you’re ever going to erase the image of you dancing in red manties from people’s minds. What’s done is done.

2. I’ve come to learn that the only women that enjoy these videos are girls about three years removed from their first periods. If I were you, Spectacular Smith (Jesus and Human Resources wept), I wouldn’t keep re-tweeting their messages. Doesn’t sound like a rumor killer; seems more like a felony.

3. If you are a grown man challenging other men to a grind-off wearing Victor’s Obvious, there’s no sense in trying to accuse other people of being gay. If ye ain’t gay, ye ain’t gay. But trust me, homie, you’re not going to win a competition of who can out stereotype who.

4. Sure you dance like a male stripper, but a lot of people stereotype male strippers and say they swing from trees versus digging in the sand. Is it right? Is it fair? Don’t know, don’t care, but in the future, understand you’re not helping matters by saying “I’m just dancing like any male stripper.” You might as well shoot your next video with a banana in your mouth.

5. And just so we’re clear, unless there’s a magical way for females to use their vagina’s as a key, there’s no way you can post a video online and say “ladies only” and expect only women to watch it. Not every man watching it may be gay, he may just want to laugh at your silly ass. Either way, it’s redundant to say ladies only online.

I don’t know ’bout ya’ll, ut I think I could have a future in this.

Got Questions?

I normally don’t mix the two (my blog, my work) that often, but if you have any questions for Tia Mowry about The Game feel free to leave them in the comments section.

Supposed to be interviewing her on Friday for the Stay Tuned blog on BET.com.

Edit: Interview is up, ya’ll. If you have a minute, check it out here.

Blogging Betty

I know, I know: “Where the hell have you been?”

I am sorry, but things have been busy, and well, ya’ll told me not to strip so I had to work my keyboard like it was a pole.

I’m definitely still planning things for this site and trust me when I say it includes a section for PayPal where ya’ll can toss your change into my account.

In any event, yesterday New Hampshire decided to be the sixth state in the union to “send this country to hell” as some of my kinfolk would say.

As I’ve made it clear repeatedly on this here site, I think everyone deserves the right to be miserable. I still remember having a polite debate with a friend (who will probably be somebody’s governor one day) who tried to drill it into my head why civic unions were an appropriate compromise on the issue of gay marriage.

After he finished speaking I responded with three words: Separate but equal.

He gave me that smile like, “Dammit,” and that was that. Civil debate. Yes, pimpin’, I can engage in them.

The other day, I spoke to another friend about my frustration with some religious people. Actually, wait, it’s not religious people per se. It’s people in general who basically regurgitate information passed on to them versus taking the time to learn about a subject before they pontificate on it.

In this instance, though, it just happened to be pseudo religious folk who know about as much about their faith as white people know about s-curls that irked me.

Naturally, gay marriage is a very divisive topic. I’m pretty sure many of you will not agree with my opinion on the matter and that’s fine, but I don’t care for when people cite the Bible on ‘traditional marriage.’

For all of the wonderful lessons in there, people neglect to mention how rape, abuse, and murder are condone in certain instances. Not to mention polygamy, incest, racism, and slavery. Indeed people pick and choose what to believe.

That being said, though this video is satirical, there’s often a lot of truth in humor.

I imagine some will object to this and speak of taking things out of context. To that I say, learn about the history of the word ‘abomination’ and then holla at me about taking things out of context.

I believe in God, I pray, and though I am not perfect, I try to do right by people.

At the same time, certain things never added up to me, and all jokes aside (yes, that includes the Betty video) I truly hope in the future we can have constructive debates about faith, and more importantly, how it affects our governing (which last time I checked, was still supposed to be done separately).

I don’t think religion is bad at all. I think the inclination to use it as a weapon against people, which has happened countless times over centuries, is awful.