Help Me: Karrine Steffans

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Dear Michael,

People can be so simple. It’s what happens when you go through life without reading, without interacting with individuals outside of your socioeconomic status, without doing anything to personally evolve.

This leaves one stagnant, ignorant, and more inclined to fall in line with such trite stereotypes.

None of that will get you on Oprah.

By now I’m sure you’ve seen some of the unfortunate interviews I’ve conducted while promoting my third book, The Vixen Manual.

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Can you believe this? And here I thought it was just the niggas who behaved this rudely.

How dare they speak to me that way? I am a married mother of two. As I pointed out in that interview, my dating life in my 20s was normal. Who hasn’t had a fling or twenty with various entertainers and athletes? Every girl has her secrets.

I’ve come to the realization that most of the flack I get stems from jealousy. My haters won’t let me live.

Like her. Who is this and why is my name in her mouth? She says I wasn’t known for being a video vixen. Excuse her.

Take that, bitch.

Actually, let’s stop talking about her because I’m the only FAMOUS one in this conversation and since I am FAMOUS we should only be talking about me.

You’re lucky I’m even talking to you because I’m so FAMOUS.

Isn’t a shame I haven’t been allowed to promote my book properly with all of these distractions?

I’m on a mission to enrich the lives of young single women everywhere. So many lack role models, and through my book, The Vixen Manual, I’m helping them prepare for life as young adults. We all deserve to be courted, and my aim is to show women how to get in tune with their singular selves as they search for companionship.

Here’s a taste of the insight I share in my book, The Vixen Manual.

“Romantic companionship can be tremendously enriching, enhancing all areas of our lives, under the best circumstances. There’s something uniquely beautiful about Blockbuster nights under a fluffy duvet with someone special, our feet touching, our bodies entwined as we steal each other’s warmth. If only for a season, we all experience a very visceral need to couple, to be touched, and to at least feel loved. If it happens with enough repetition and mutuality, you may soon find that you’re no longer single. The trick, however, is to still be you. Even though you’ve found Mr. Wonderful, or just Mr. Seasonal, it’s important to remain singular and not get so lost in this wonderful (possibly seasonal) bliss that you disappear as an individual.”

No one was around to instill these valuable lessons to me as a child, and now I want to give back.

Yes, I know it’s quite thoughtful of me. That’s the type of person I am.

I’m always giving something to someone.

I just want to know when are people going to let that first book go?

Can I live? Are you people that unhappy to the point you have to project your negative feelings onto to me?

I’m gonna pray for ya’ll, because I’m good.

Remember: I’m FAMOUS.

You haters keep my name in your mouth and I’ll continue not knowing of any yours.

Ciao,

Mrs. McCrary

First off kudos to you and your jaw muscles for using tales of pursing your lips to various industry penises and taking it all the way to the New York Times best-seller list.

Some people would throw you shade for helping perpetuate negative stereotypes about video models and black women in general, but hey, you gotta eat – and not just rappers’ semen, I imagine.

Granted, when you pass yourself off as some literary great (is Karen Hunter still co-writing your books?) I have to stifle laughter, but hey, you’re on the best-seller list and I’m not (yet).

Bravo, cashew breath. Bravo!

Still, I can’t stand you and I wish the APA would come up with a name to describe whatever mental disorder you suffer from already.

If I were a wee bit slower, I’d buy this little speech you gave these students.

But the fact is you do care what we think. If we’re not talking about you, no one is buying your books; we’re not fooled.

As for you no longer doing the nonsense you did in your 20s.

What about this? And really, Bow Wow? Who are you supposed to be? The naughty babysitter?

Oh and there’s Lil’ Wayne.

Didn’t you write this:

“In the meantime, he’s like my best friend. He’s my John Lennon, I’m his Yoko Ono, and together, it just works.”

Yoko Ono? They should’ve never given you hoes cable.

Oh and we can’t forget you saying the relationship isn’t about sex, but then added that he called you to say “Prostitute Flange” is about you and how you listen to it every single day.

As if the song including the word prostitute in the title wasn’t bad enough, the lyrics include lines like, “Yo pussy is like a drug to me?”

Not a relationship based on sex, right? Uh huh. This is why people only believe you when you’re talking about gargling up half the line-up for the BET awards.

I love the fact that you trashed black media for asking “ignorant questions” yet you’ve been reduced as nothing more than an opportunistic whore by the mainstream media.

Not to mention your ex-boyfriend. How are you going to complain about the way black men and black press treat black women then go date a white man who buys into the same bullshit?

Don’t bother answering with your reverse psychology bullshit. I took Psych 101 in college, too.

Then there’s your husband. Or whatever he is to you.

Did you ever end up giving those ass beads back, or did you play a game of poke-a-hole with Shad?

One thing I never understood was if you’re head game is that tight of all the people to end up with you marry Eddie Winslow? I guess anyone who buys The Vixen Manuel now has a chance at bagging Calvin from 227.

Your delusions of grandeur and false senses of entitlement don’t bother me as much as you not owning up to who you really are does.

You suck, you slurp, and you write about it. When you were on your redemption tip, though I didn’t believe you, I at least appreciated the gimmick. Then you went off and went back to your antics literally a millisecond after appearing on The Oprah Winfrey Show.

I’m surprised Gayle hasn’t given you the clap back for lying to Oprah.

You like to position yourself as someone “above it all” yet you’re constantly knee deep in it. Or constantly on your knees. Take your pick.

That’s fine as it’s your business, but be real about it.

Don’t act offended when people bring up your past. It’s still your present. You’re still using your sexual relationships with male celebrities to boost your profile.

Try not to act all high and mighty when people reduce you to something you already have yourself to with your first book.

With “advice” like this:

“This isn’t to say that independence has no value. There’s worldbound influence, where you are able to hold your ground professionally just as much as a man. That’s fine when you’re on the phone handling business or brokering major deals. When your man walks through the door, however, there’s a softer more homebound independence that you can show. It means you know how to cook and clean, and you don’t need someone like his mother (or your mother) showing you how to do so. You can do laundry without turning his whites pink. He can relax in knowing his woman has mastered their domestic terrain. Just don’t look up and find yourself lonely because you were trying to be too worldbound and dominant at home.”

You’re nothing more than a little fortune cookie for patriarchy.

You might want to take her advice:

From one fake ass to another: Face the hoe in the mirror. She’s there…waiting on you to reveal the results of your last trip to the clinic.

And if I were you, I’d rather come with a new gimmick or revamp the old one. First week sales in the book world are no different than those in music. Sure, you can continue to score bragging rights, but you’re not moving books as much as you used to.

You could care less about what I have to say, but you ought to be concerned that the hoe tale market is growing stale.

I hope you’re investing your book earnings. I doubt a fraction of the residuals from Family Matters will be enough to cover your ass.

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