Mama, I Need A Career Planner

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I know I can’t be the only one who looked at this trailer and took it as a cry for help.

I get the sense that some of you feel as though I’ve been harsh on Ciara in recent months. The anonymous reader who called me an embittered homosexual for my last post, “Help Me: Ciara,” tipped me off. Next thing you know someone’s going to say Jesus doesn’t like me anymore and that Mohammad will be waiting for me outside the club next weekend to whoop my punk ass.

Instead of someone asking why I go so hard on Ciara shouldn’t folks start asking why she makes it so easy?

Take this trailer for Mama, I Want To Sing for example. Now I’m certain in Ciara’s mind she thought her first starring role in a feature film would place her alongside the other singers who really have no business acting. I seriously don’t want to put a damper on her triple threat ambitions, but who is advising her on her prospective film career? Taimak?

I get the fact that the original play the film is based on is highly popular, but somewhere along the way during shooting it had to have dawned on Ciara that something wasn’t right. I don’t even think Bookman from Good Times would do this movie. You can tell there’s a lot wrong with this film based on the trailer.

Like the younger version of the main character having a better voice than that of the adult. How is the movie going to start off with the little girl blowing her grown self out of the water? Where do they do that at? If the character’s vocal abilities were going to peak before puberty perhaps the movie should be renamed Mama, I Want To Go To College.

Oddly enough, I don’t fault Lynn Whitfield and Patti Labelle for signing up for this film. I write a blog called The Recession Diaries, so I stay up on economic news — even Lady Marmalade isn’t turning as many tricks as she used to. I’m not mad, Patti. I’m not mad at all. Things haven’t been right for your acting career since Out All Nite was canceled anyway. I personally still find it to be a great injustice.

Yet while Patti and Lynn get the OK for anything that pays Ciara, on the other hand, should’ve known better. The same can be said for Billy Zane. How does one go from starring alongside Leonardo DiCaprio and Kate Winslet in Hollywood blockbusters to co-starring in straight-to-DVD films with Juanita Bynum and Ciara?

God be an answer to that riddle.

As it turns out the premiere of this film was supposed to be last night. Guess what? It got abruptly canceled due to technical difficulties…whatever that means. You know, if it were me I’d go ahead and put on my nicest pair of sweats, head over to the spiffiest Walmart I could find and snap a picture of myself holding the DVD near the clearance bin. Then after that I’d go home, hack my imdb page and delete any listing with my name attaching me to the project.

Ciara, please go find someone who’s going to go to bat for you. Otherwise you’ll be lucky if you can star in Bring It On 45. Or better yet go work on a follow-up album that will shut people like me up. This ain’t it.

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