What’s In A Name?

Basically: This was supposed to run somewhere and I believe it’s not now. But dammit, someone’s going to read this. So here it goes:

We’re brought up to believe that our parents want us to go further in life than they ever did.

Yet when a parent names their child something that might incite strokes for the tongues of anyone who dares attempt to pronounce their faux-French names should we still believe that to be true?

I’m beginning to think parents have declared some sort of secret war on their offspring. It’s as if new mommies and daddies want to screw over their kids and cause human resources to instantly get a whiff of Lawry’s and Louisiana Hot Sauce the second one of their poorly named children submits a resume.

Of course, some of these children still manage to land jobs. Just the other day I came across a bank teller named Classic. Perhaps he was conceived at the State Fair Classic and his parents want that special memory to live on.

Wherever the source of his name stems from Classic has it a lot better than Jacorolynstans Onassis. Yes, that’s an actual name. I saw it in the program for my cousin’s high school graduation. I waited anxiously to see the announcer shed light on how you actually say her name out loud without taking a lunch break in between. Jacorolynstans didn’t show up, though, so to this day that mystery remains unsolved.

It gets worse than that…far, far worse.

Anytime I post about any distinctive name on Twitter and I’m instantly amassed with replies from followers who can top me.

“I got [a] cousin named “Unique Petal Lloyd.”

“[I] saw a chick working at Target named L’Oreal.”

“I graduated high school with a Starburshia. Apparently, my friend knows a Shadynasty (SHA-DYNASTY).”

“I went to school with a dude named Success. He wasn’t very successful.”

In L’Oreal’s defense, she may be Creole.

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Aww or Aww Hell Nawl?

Before you even ask, no, this is not my child although I am sitting here gushing like a proud papa. The jig is mighty strong in this one. You cannot teach what this kid has inside. That sort of rhythm is innate. She’s getting it better than many adults.

But, after watching the toddler hit the booty dew my conscious had to go and mess it up for me. Isn’t it a bad sign to see a girl already dancing on the table three days after learning how to walk? If videos already have her dancing like that what’s going to happen after she watches them for 18 years? Stumbled along some commentators who argued the same thing.

You know: Have her parents taught her how to say her ABCs yet? 1-2-3 before D4L is my motto on child education. I get it. We have to think about our babies’ future! Or some shit like that.

Wait…am I being too serious? When I was at home with my oldest niece I had her throwing up our hood in pictures. Before you judge me, we were just fooling around. We were doing what most families do during the holiday season: Putting foil in our mouths and posing like we had grills in front of roach spray.

See? Happy Holidays! Yep, that’s me practicing for my future rap career. That fitted doesn’t belong to me. It’s my younger brother’s and if you’re wondering, yes, he put it on correctly for me. I don’t know why but I could never put on a hat correctly. Something about head just doesn’t agree with hats.

In any event, so we had our very innocent niece throw up our hood. The photo hasn’t turned up online — we know CPS doesn’t play. Oh, as I type this I just remembered we definitely filmed her (and us) doing one of those ign’t southern dances. I can’t remember which. They’re so many wonderful ones with the same exact moves that they all become a blur.

Yeah, I’m totally a bad influence.

Or am I?

The last time she called me it was to tell me she got straight As on her progress report. So she can throw it up, do her dance, and kill ‘em on the honor roll. So, I can’t completely rule out that this child’s fate is doomed just because she can do the stanky legg before she finishes potty training. I can love Gucci Mane as much as I do Frank Rich. This little girl can grow to say the same thing herself one day.

Still judging? Don’t go over their house or mine. Try Cliff and Claire. They’ll probably let you come over.

Although technically, they’re doing the same damn thing at their house.

P.S. In my defense, I always tells my niece to read. I can’t stand anyone who writes or speak like English is their fourth language. I fool with Gucci Mane in the club, but I’d never font with him.

Who The Hell Are They?

These days the Billboard Hot 100 might as well be the missing person’s list. I like to think I’m pretty up on music, but since I avoid the radio, can’t remember which station actually still plays videos, and avoid unsingable and/or unjiggable bullshit like herpes a lot of things miss me.

Like this song. Week after week I would see the name Jay Sean, but for one reason or another I just dismissed it as a typo and kept it moving. Even when I kept seeing the name over and over again I would bypass it thinking it was some sort of mistake. And now, this is the number one song in the country. I finally bothered to listen to this song and I can’t believe it. This is #1?

Actually, it’s not that hard to believe. A pretty boy with a non-threatening airy voice is singing about something I forgot about already on a track featuring a rapper who at this point, would collaborate with a crying baby if the check cleared. And there’s auto-tune, which needless to say is not dead if it’s still sitting atop of the charts.

Why wouldn’t a song like that sell a massive amount of singles and ringtones while simultaneously racking up enough radio airplay to dethrone the Black Eyed Peas? Speaking of which, why do people still like them? No disrespect to Will.I.Am. because the man sure can craft a catchy point tune for his audience, but seriously, do ya’ll like “I Gotta Feeling” that much?

I’d even take that song over this, though. Jay Sean looks friendly and the like, but he’s not much of a singer or dancer. Donnie Klang must be somewhere in his room crying. If Jay Sean can score a hit, why not he? Puffy, let his mediocrity be great, too.

But really, does Haagan Daz even sell anything more vanilla than this Jay Sean’s “Down?”

Well, there’s a close second. I have no idea who Jason Derulo is either, but his single “Whatcha Say” is #4 on the Hot 100. Sadly, I know this is going to lead to more R&B singers making more of these banal tracks that are basically four minute pleads to get airplay on your city’s local Top 40 station (or three of them).

I hope I’m overreacting, but the trend has been going on for nearly two years now and irritates the hell out of me. Everyone wants to “crossover” and these type of tracks doing so well only encourages them. It shouldn’t! Everyone knows you could play anything over and over again and eventually people will like it.

Why not play something with more oomph?!

Next Time Try The Broiler

I’m almost not embarrassed to admit that I was a fan of Jennifer Lopez the singer. Granted, half the time she was singing over the vocals of others (Christina Milian, Ashanti, Natasha Ramos, to name a few), but I didn’t care. If her checks cleared and the hook was catchy enough I dug it. Are you judging me yet?

You probably are. You have to like judgment if you read this blog regularly. Fine. Go ‘head. Judge me. I’on care. I’m pretty sure at least seven of you loved “I’m Real” and “Jenny From The Block,” too. And I’m certain two and a half of you loved her third album, This Is Me…Then. If not, well you missed out on a good one (no seriously).

But this shit right here gets a no from me. Who the hell is Lola? Sasha Fierce’s old Puerto Rican babysitter? FYI celebrities, we’re tired of you pimpin’ out multiple personality disorder for self-gain. These days it only works if you’re a sitcom on Showtime.

I would probably be inclined to ignore Lola Lopez if the song itself had any jiggable qualities to it. Alas, it does not. The “break it off, here, break it off there” thing is OK, but that’s not enough to get it poppin’. I’m pretty sure the inclusion of Pitbull on the track was to lure a lot of those Latino hip-hop stations to give this song some spins. I pray to Our Lady of Guadalupe that doesn’t happen. We don’t need to encourage this. If this is the best J.Lo (and Pharrell…what the hell) can offer her time in music is done. I don’t like to tell people to quit but dammit stop.

At this point I’d rather hear a mix tape from Rosie Perez.

P.S. Oh and before you even try to call me out on the Young Sinick name on Twitter, that’s not the same. That’s my rap name. Mmph.

Real Love

I’m not going to even pretend to be a relationship expert, but I know one thing for sure: I’d never take advice from a chick named Diamond.

I appreciate Diamond and her 32 flavors of that bootylicious bubble gum (raspberry, grape, cherry, come and get this honey bun), but she lost me with this:

“Personally I don’t give a F*** a n*gga could talk to 20 b*tches but as long as I get my 90% and whoever he talking to get 10% that’s fine. A n*gga gonna be a n*gga and once a chick realize men gonna do what they wanna do its about how they go about doing it as long as they respect me and whoever… like if you are talking to somebody or whatever as long as they know when I step in the building then she need to put her head down, she need to know her place. That’s when people get it twisted.”

…I’m not saying that we are messing around on each other, but that’s the type of understanding we got. If I was messing with somebody please believe I’m going to tell that n*gga to be quiet if he call. You need to shut up my n*gga. We keep it real, all the way real we don’t sugar coat none no way whatsoever, but we so happy with each other that its no need to go mess with nobody else, but if we do it’s just a little fling cause its hard and this industry makes you grow up so fast.

First off, I suggest you all read this with a ghetto girl accent for the full effect. You might even want to roll your neck every other sentence just in case you want to really dive into the character. I don’t think you can read it any other way, honestly.

Now ya’ll can debate whether or not I should change my name to Toucan Sam based my musical tastes all ya’ll want to, but I would never say some bullshit like this.

So Diamond’s basically saying she doesn’t care if her man cheats on her so much that she might ultimately catch a permanent itch from him so long as he gives her the majority of his time and only uses his bathroom breaks to get up on other hoes?

And if you employ this sort of thinking into your relationships then you’re ahead of the game because you understand that men will be men, and thus will cheat on you. Meanwhile she says that her and Not-So-Lil-Anymore Scrappy are so happy that they don’t need to see other people, but if they did you know it’s all good because it’s just a little fling anyway. And those sort of flings happen because the industry makes you grow up so fast. Ya dig?

If you got a headache from reading all of that, congrats — that means I can still do a bird breakdown.

I think most people with sense realize that Diamond’s logic makes about as much sense as a Kim Zolciak wig.

But then again, there is a whole market set up for this line of thinking.

I’m not going to waste any time telling her to know her worth and proceed to encourage her to sing an Alicia Keys medley. I think most people understand how these sort of women operate. It’s all good as long they’re being fed, driving a nice car and wearing garments from designers with names they can barely pronounce.

Yet I still read that rant of hers and had to fight off a wonk eye. It would be easy to point out that Diamond probably scored an F-A-I-L on her GED, but that would negate that fact that there are plenty of women out there from a different class and education level that are just as willing to give into the “men are men” notion as she is.

I notice I have a lot of female readers (which I am perfectly fine with — ya’ll buy books), so I wanted to ask most of you: What the hell is wrong with some of ya’ll?

Finally

Alright, so after much delay I’ve finally settled up on the dotcom. Now, it’s not exactly how it looked on Blogger and believe me I tried…and tried…and tried some more.

But, let’s focus on the positive.

1. You can finally get the RSS feed. For a while folks kept pestering me about it and while I knew that having a working feed could only benefit me, I don’t know much about coding. I know about as much about coding as I do making love to a pork chop and egg sandwich. Sounds weird? Good. That was my intention.

2. Easier to navigate. Believe me, trying to get around the site sometimes pissed me off, too.

3.  The font is bigger. Now, you won’t have to ask me about what brand of contacts to by.

4. A dotcom sounds much more professional. Stop throwing shade now.

5. Insert your own comment here. Because I know some of ya’ll got some slick shit to say.

Smile and as always, thank you for reading. Now please update your bookmarks and of course spread the word.

HELP ME HELP MYSELF BE GREAT!

Sorry for that caps lock. I felt the spirit of Kanye consume me.

P.S. Try to register to WordPress to leave comments. Make it easier for me.

Tell Me (Said w/ a Dru Hill Jump)

1. What in the fuck did she just say?

2. Why can Fabolous top the charts on Twitter but not Billboard?

3. Why would anyone want to read 400 pages of Sarah Palin talking about herself?

4. Why does it look like they almost forgot to include Lamar Odum in the shot?

5. Should I be happy that isn’t an Obama Liquor Store or an Obama Fried Chicken franchise?

6. Does blame on GM’s closure of Saturn fall on Moesha Mitchell?

7. Did you get the slight urge to hit him after watching this?

8. When will Whitney Houston fans admit that it’s not all Bobby Brown’s fault?

9. Why does Britney Spears have one let alone two greatest hits collections?

10. Who else misses this ‘first beginning’ version of Keyshia Cole?

11. When did Eddie Griffin get a reality show and why?

12. Why didn’t any of ya’ll tell me about The Noisettes?

13. Will skinny jeans cause a nationwide shortage of Black sperm?

KELLY__ROWLAND OK. So, I’m at the MoBo’s and getting ready to have a GREAT show with David and the MoBo’s F’d my sound up!!!!! PISSED!!!!!

KELLY__ROWLAND HONESTLY, that just makes me work harder! But, what I will say is the MoBo’s owe me an apology!!!! I was LIVID after the show!

KELLY__ROWLAND I wanted you guys to be the 1st to hear it from me! rehearsals. were fine. soundcheck. was fine. performance, wad a struggle at 1st

KELLY__ROWLAND But, I got through it!!!!!!!! So—–It happens! The next show will be Better!——–TRUST!!!!!!!!!

14. But doesn’t she always sound like that?

15. Finish this sentence: If I were this dress in public I would be called _________?

16. Why won’t you all let Oprah’s long, flowing and real hair be great?

17. Anyone else waiting for Alicia Keys to cover “Woman to Woman?”

18. Is he serious?

19. Instead of spending $100 million on trying to get the 2016 Olympics, can the city of Chicago boost their school budgets so we might not have to see videos of children being beaten to death on the street anymore?

20. Is it a requirement for celebrities to join Twitter and undo all of the work of their publicists?