I anticipated the American Music Awards to be an entertaining show given the lengthy list of performers. But, anyone who’s been watching award shoes all decade should know that’s usually nothing more than a set up. Most award shows that don’t feature a performance from Queen Creole usually suck. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it. Still, you can learn a few lessons from last nite’s show…and I’d much rather focus on those than write about every single boring performance shown last nite.
1. Know When To Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em
Although she hadn’t danced that hard since the Wayans family signed her checks, J.Lo busting her ass while performing a song rejected by Brandy is a sign that maybe it’s time to for her to reconnect with the film world. She’s still in shape, she can still dance, but really, “I’m throwing on my LOU BAH TONS. I’m throwing on my LOU BAH TONS.” I vote no, and apparently so did the shoe that led to her falling on her ass.
P.S. Dear broadcasters, there is no point in trying to edit things out when in the world of instant YouTube recap videos.
2. Some People Will Never Have It
I swear you could bring out Jesus to cover Chris Brown’s portion of the “Umbrella” remix and Rihanna would still find a way to kill the excitement of the performance. To her credit, on the new album she sings with more confidence and judging by her stage attire is still very confident with herself aesthetically. But unless you’re on a pole, in some editorial pages or someone’s bed chances aesthetic beauty only entertains for so much. There are slight improvements, but just not enough yet. It’s been years now. The songs are there but memorable performances are not. When is she going to step it up?
3. You Don’t Have To Sell Ass To Get Asses Out of Seats
Mary J. Blige has never sounded better and she didn’t need all of the theatrics to give a decent performance.
4. But Don’t Trip, If You Shake Ass Correctly It Still Works
I know Damita Jo is in her 40s and last nite’s performance doesn’t move you the way she did a decade prior, but she still did alright and she’s still embarrassing people twenty years her junior. I don’t know if I should be proud about that or start planning a vigil for the recording industry. Better yet, I might just pray for Janet. I know she’s tired of performing these same set of songs. I didn’t need to watch eight minutes of hits to know she hasn’t had a hit in eight years.
5. If You Can’t Dance, Don’t…Please
This means you, Alicia Keys. I don’t know why she’s so adamant about two-stepping and body rolling. She’s not particularly good at either. I’m not even saying that to be mean (no really, not this time). I just don’t find it necessary to see Alicia and her girls dancing like Ciara on a brick wall to a ballad. Hasn’t Mashonda suffered enough?
6. Crazy People Rule The World
Lady GaGa may seem like the type to use WiteOut as her own personal hot sauce, but as long as she can sing and entertain, happy sniffing.
7. Black People, Like White People, Need To Get Over Themselves
I get irritated as hell when those from paler pastures act as if no person exists until they realize who they are. Likewise, I’on particularly care for it when my cousins in colored do the same thing. As for Taylor Swift winning Artist of The Year, yeah, I wouldn’t have given it to her either but based on all that she’s accomplished this year it makes sense. I first learned about Taylor because I wanted to know who the hell was this random girl outselling Beyonce and Britney last year. Then I figured out that she was some teen country star who basically makes more money in an hour than I doall year (for now anyway).
Kanye West brought her to you all’s attention, but look at it like this: Why did Kanye get mad again? Because he beat out Beyonce for an award. The VMAs, like the AMAs, are now voter driven so evidently, plenty of people already knew she was alive.
And with respect to Michael Jackson, what new album did he come out with this year again? I’m not even sure he would want all of these posthumous awards if they weren’t related to new product.
8. Actually, Some Gimmicks Do Get Old
We get it, Hov. We really do.
9. As You Get Older, You Start Becoming Confused
What is a Glorina? When did Shakira become the Columbian Creole? And as far as Adam Lambert goes: Why?
10. Most Artists Really Suck Now
I think I answered my own question as to why Michael Jackson got nominated for artist of the year.
Now if you want a more detailed recap of the show, check my Twitter timeline. Make note of the contributions from Mama Sinick.