I’m into sassy old white women, so naturally I’ve been a long time fan of Barbara Walters. But sadly I saw myself bored out of my mind watching her Most Fascination People of 2009 special last week. Sarah Palin…again? I’ve heard people talking about eating deer, coon, and alley cats for years so moose chili doesn’t really shock me. There are erratic, racist, xenophobic white people into alcohol abuse all across the country so what makes Glenn Beck so special? I like Michelle Obama, so no shade will be thrown her way, but really Babs, this list was the best you could do?
Since nice week is officially over I’d rather go back to norm. With that in mind here’s my list for what’s been the most fascinating to me in 2009.
Rihanna’s Barbadian Breasts
If you’ve read this site long enough chances are you’re well aware that I’m far from a breast man. Yet, I can’t help but be curious about Rihanna’s boobs because every time I open my Web browser I see her braless ass in front of me. OK, so she has a nice body – including her tits – but why have I seen her breasts more this year than my own dick? Is she happy that they’re there? Is there something different about them that forces her to show them each and every time she does major press? Do her breasts have the answer to the meaning of life? Whatever the case, numb nipples obviously finds them fascinating so I’m choosing to spotlight them. Hopefully after she gets the attention she so desperately craves maybe someone will hand her a bra on January 1, 2010 at 12:01 a.m.
Joe Lieberman’s Jaw
Why hasn’t anyone punched it yet? I don’t understand why this back peddling jack ass has so much clout. Does he have some sort of deep secret hanging over Harry Reid’s head and jello-like spine? Whatever the case may be he’s officially making it worse for everyone else. When will Democrats be over this elf for good?
They were married for two whooping years and as a result she’s getting $40,000 in alimony and $10,000 in child support. Please help me understand why this is fair. And do give me her lawyers number. Should ya’ll get a clue and let gays marry and I lose my mind and decide to ever marry I want her in my camp. I’ll be damned once I make it someone bleed me dry like that.
Edit: A commentator has informed me Kelis and Nas were married for six years. That said, I still think $50,000 is a bit much.
Everyone that has anything to do with Chris Brown
This list includes:
1. His mother for enabling him on Larry King and in life.
2. Those dancers who talk shit about Rihanna on Twitter (great for PR) knowing they’re doing so because they want him to duck walk on their faces.
3. The person who even allowed him to get on Twitter unmonitored.
4. The person who dressed him in that wretched red sweater for the first apology video.
5. His anger management coach. Clearly they’re unlicensed.
6. His English teachers. They deserve time.
7. These other employees who are rumored to be dissing Rihanna during his “fan appreciation tour.”
8. His publicist, who is obviously a Rihanna stan.
9. The person who handed Chris Brown that bowtie. Best thing to come out of his 90 interviews.