Breaking Down Barbie

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Pursed lip people unite?

Upon further listens of her mixtape and viewings of her performances online, I think I like Nicki Minaj.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t get, “Young money, red flag, no more auditions. ASK LIL’ WAYNE WHO THE FIVE STAR BITCH IS!” out of my head.

Sorry for the caps, but I wanted you to know that I just sang it in my head as I typed it.

There’s something about her that’s somewhat annoying yet as previously mentioned, very much intriguing.

Not to mention while back at home I noticed that Nicki’s appeal is expanding.

While at a club they played the remix to “5 Star Chick” and people (OK, me and the person behind me) were annoyed that they didn’t play Nicki’s part.

And then while at Target one day I spotted some teenager blasting Nicki’s mixtape from her headphones. Like it or not, ya’ll, her time is coming. Female rappers haven’t been viable for much of the decade. This girl is about to flip that around in the next.

So given that I never want to behind on what’s going on in pop culture and all I took it upon myself to figure out what’s been one of my biggest hurdles in getting her: Understanding those words that come out of her mouth.

Calling it the “Nictionary,” her fan page breaks it down for the people who paid attention in English class.

Official Secret Society Barbie Statement :

I’m a GIRL \ and I’m RICH \ its BARBIE \ YOU little BITCH!!!!!

My first instinct was to immediately hit the red X and run back to my copy of Hardcore.

But folks, I refuse to be old at 25. I just can’t. Nicki is about to turn 25, which means I should still be able to get it…or at least, fake it when my nieces are old enough to quote this girl back to me (and I tell them to go read a book or something).

One reason I stopped following Nicki on Twitter is because once you start reading her timeline you get the idea of what a brain aneurysm must feel like it.

Now I have help and since I don’t like to suffer alone, I’m passing this off to you, too.

That and I still have no idea what the hell this girl is talking about.

Let’s break down select words from the Nictionary:

AckOrgiddyWay ItchesOrgiddyBay: \ˈaktˈ-orˈgi-dē-wā-ˈiches-orˈgi-dē-ˈbā\: adjective

1: the barbie pig latin term for “whack bitches”.

Alfred Bitchcok : \ˈal-frəd – ˈbich – ˈkäk\ : noun

1: a term of endearment from one bitchy Harajuku Barbie to another. Generally used amongst BFF’s.

Well, she’s certainly a creative one, huh?

Bad Bitch Check : \ˈbad – ˈbich – ˈchek\ : verb

1: is when a bad bitch looks in the mirror prior to an event in which stacks are involved.

Baldy Locks : \bal-dē-läks\ : adjective

1: Good head.

Balloon Boy : \ba-ˈlōⁿ-bȯi\ : noun

1: the adopted lady bug of barbie nation.

2: the oracle.

What in the hell is she talking about? The oracle? Has she been sippin’ from Lil’ Wayne’s cup?

Barbie Detention : \ˈbär-bē -di-ˈten-chən\ : noun

1: When the Harajuku Barbie herself puts one of her barbies on time-out for stating or doing something totally unfetch.

*only the HB can remove a barbie from Barbie Detention. Length of stay may vary.

*While on “BD” a barbie is required to do any task the “HB” asks of her in order to regain her position as a BARBIE. Tasks may vary.

Is this a euphemism for hell? It sounds like it.

Barbie Juice : \bär-bē-jüs\ : noun

1: ice cold pickle juice in a glass that barbies drink to experience a sudden blast of EUPHORIA.

Barbie Powers : /ˈbär-bē-pō-ər/: noun

1: to beam your thoughts to another Barbie without speaking.

2: to put a hex on strawberry shortcakes by wiggling your fingers at them.

I’m beginning to think I’m too sober to be processing this. This is like some shit you should only read after a Happy Hour event sponsored by Boone’s Farm. Anyone keeping up so far?

Bustitbarbie :\ˈbəst-ət-ˈbär-bē\ : noun

1: a naughty barbie who knows how to make it up on her final exam.

To her credit I’ve noticed Nicki always encourages people who are in college.

Cater to your Ken Day :\kā-tər-ˈtü-yər-ˈken-ˈdā\: noun

1: One day a month when Barbie stops being a diva and grants her Ken’s every wish.

Wait, hold up. Isn’t Nicki more of a lady licker than dick diver?

CopyRightin’ Infringements :\ˈkä-pē-ˈrītən-in-ˈfrinj-mənts\: noun

1: girls that claim to be rappers while enlisting the help of ghost writers.

Sounds like shade to Shad if you ask me.

When You Believe : by Whitney Houston & Mariah Carey

1: our official THEME song

You know what…

Surfboard : \sərf-bȯrd\ : adjective

1: used to describe a hatin ass WASHED up bitch.

Sentence : Cowubunga! Hit the surfboard ya surfboard ass bitch!!!!

I quit. She gets two points for being smart about branding, but I refuse to talk like Project Barbie.

I’ll just speak with three different accents in three minutes like she does and call it a day.

Besides, I’m clearly not dedicated enough for some movement like this. They can have it.

Now if you excuse me, I’m about to go and bop and invent Sinick Speak.

P.S. Happy Birthday, Nicki. If you keep this up you’ll be my Dolly Lama. Or some shit.

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