Do They Have Dumbbells In Hell?

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Yesterday I finally made my way back to the gym to build on my three new muscles only to end my night inhaling a red velvet cupcake from Crumbs.

I asked folks on Twitter should I indulge in my dessert desires and an overwhelming majority of the replies were like, “YES. GIVE IN.”

Or more bluntly: “I don’t even know why this is a question worth asking. Of course your skinny ass should order a cupcake. Hell, order three.”

Thinphobia aside, I ended up getting one so I know a hard workout later is in order.

I’m always looking for ways to build on my slim and sessy, but after watching this video I’m tempted to go on the cupcake diet just for the hell out of it.

Speaking of hell, I wouldn’t be surprised if the person behind this nifty little number ends up there.

Please watch this entire video, ya’ll. You must witness the “Beyonce move,” the “Stomp Satan Lower” shimmy, and the soulless soul clap for yourselves.

This guy, who looks like a mentally challenged ex-choir director, is teaching white folks how to dance both the devil and the extra pounds away.

I know what you’re thinking because I asked myself the same question: Is Donnie McClurkin’s closet cut buddy for real with the sanctified slide?

Christopher Page is selling his sanctify your way to sexiness for 14.95 on the Web . Who’s about to Paypal themselves to both prosperity and past the plus-size section at the store? Gon’ and “walk in the spirit” (or in homie’s cass, sass and strut in the spirit) if you want to, but don’t think this automatically means you’ll be jogging with Jesus in the future.

I’d rather spend that money on a bottle to make sense of all this. Or to pay someone to tell me what Chris’ left eye is looking at in this clip.

And folks got on me for dancing to “God In Me” screwed and chopped. Don’t worry, I believe in forgiveness (I know you liked that song, too). Still, I don’t believe in building biceps to Beyonce…at least not like this.

Jesus is probably somewhere putting extra butter on his biscuit and shaking his head in shame. Stop using the Lord’s name to come up, people. That ain’t right.

For this Negro’s sins I hope he wakes up in Transfat tomorrow.

Edit: Ya’ll, the genius behind this new exercise regimen Tweeted me writing:

@youngsinick Please check out the official videos. That other video was not approved lol

His name of course, is @sanctifiedslide.

Because he’s such a good sport, here is the official video:

I still think God does Tae Bo, but there you go.

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