No, No This Is More Interesting
I’m into sassy old white women, so naturally I’ve been a long time fan of Barbara Walters. But sadly I saw myself bored out of my mind watching her Most Fascination People of 2009 special last week. Sarah Palin…again? I’ve heard people talking about eating deer, coon, and alley cats for years so moose chili doesn’t really shock me. There are erratic, racist, xenophobic white people into alcohol abuse all across the country so what makes Glenn Beck so special? I like Michelle Obama, so no shade will be thrown her way, but really Babs, this list was the best you could do?
Since nice week is officially over I’d rather go back to norm. With that in mind here’s my list for what’s been the most fascinating to me in 2009.
Rihanna’s Barbadian Breasts
If you’ve read this site long enough chances are you’re well aware that I’m far from a breast man. Yet, I can’t help but be curious about Rihanna’s boobs because every time I open my Web browser I see her braless ass in front of me. OK, so she has a nice body – including her tits – but why have I seen her breasts more this year than my own dick? Is she happy that they’re there? Is there something different about them that forces her to show them each and every time she does major press? Do her breasts have the answer to the meaning of life? Whatever the case, numb nipples obviously finds them fascinating so I’m choosing to spotlight them. Hopefully after she gets the attention she so desperately craves maybe someone will hand her a bra on January 1, 2010 at 12:01 a.m.
Joe Lieberman’s Jaw
Why hasn’t anyone punched it yet? I don’t understand why this back peddling jack ass has so much clout. Does he have some sort of deep secret hanging over Harry Reid’s head and jello-like spine? Whatever the case may be he’s officially making it worse for everyone else. When will Democrats be over this elf for good?
Kelis’ Lawyer
They were married for two whooping years and as a result she’s getting $40,000 in alimony and $10,000 in child support. Please help me understand why this is fair. And do give me her lawyers number. Should ya’ll get a clue and let gays marry and I lose my mind and decide to ever marry I want her in my camp. I’ll be damned once I make it someone bleed me dry like that.
Edit: A commentator has informed me Kelis and Nas were married for six years. That said, I still think $50,000 is a bit much.
Everyone that has anything to do with Chris Brown
This list includes:
1. His mother for enabling him on Larry King and in life.
2. Those dancers who talk shit about Rihanna on Twitter (great for PR) knowing they’re doing so because they want him to duck walk on their faces.
3. The person who even allowed him to get on Twitter unmonitored.
4. The person who dressed him in that wretched red sweater for the first apology video.
5. His anger management coach. Clearly they’re unlicensed.
6. His English teachers. They deserve time.
7. These other employees who are rumored to be dissing Rihanna during his “fan appreciation tour.”
8. His publicist, who is obviously a Rihanna stan.
9. The person who handed Chris Brown that bowtie. Best thing to come out of his 90 interviews.
Geisha
Two reasons:
Best. Song. Ever. Thank you, Kid Fury.
And when she’s not offering fans inspirational tunes she’s:
Teaching the world how to do a quick weave. And Barbara wants to talk about Kate Gosselin and her litter of kids.
Lil’ Wayne’s Sperm
You know why. Who’s the next uterus to greet it?
Bloggers
This is two-fold. There are so many great writers and bloggers with personalities that beam through their posts who I firmly believe will go on to enjoy some notable level of “celebrity” or at least infamy. Then there are those who purposely go out of their way to be famous forgetting that more or less their attention is rooted in what they say about other people (I don’t know, celebrities) than anything they say about themselves. The lines are increasingly blurring and I think our culture has become so celebrity obsessed that everyone wants to be famous for the sake of. It’s getting weirder by the day and with the advent of social networks like Twitter attention whoring is taking on even greater levels. So shout out to those who take themselves far too seriously. Hopefully the new decade brings a much needed reality check. Shots fired – one in particular at Perez Hilton.
Hoes
Political hoes, sports hoes, actor hoes, regular sideline hoes and the even bigger hoes who give them attention. I don’t find you fascinating. What I find fascinating is that people continue to be sucked into this nonsense at the expense of real news like war and health care. I get why you’re an easy distraction, but I wish each of you jock and vaginal itch for giving the news media ammunition to rot so many people’s brain cells with details about your illicit affairs all the same.
People I Can’t Explain
Single Ladies from Michael Arceneaux on Vimeo.
If you missed my guest blog on Crunk + Disorderly, “Destiny’s Dickless,” go forth and read: right here.
These types used to repulse me then came tolerance, soon after amusement but throughout it all I’ve still managed some level of befuddlement. The fuckery aspect of this notwithstanding, I’m more intrigued with the notion that so many gay men feel that to be gay means to be effeminate. Part of it is rooted in the reality that more times than not any out man of color is largely feminine so in essence if that’s all you see you’ll likely duplicate – especially if you’re young and easily influenced (as most young people are). Then you have to take into account that there are many absent fathers. On one end I don’t want to limit people by adhering to rigid views of masculinity. In my essay, “When Bullying Leads to Suicide,” I wrote on the dangers of that. On the other hand, not everyone coming out is just being who they are; they’re being who they think they’re supposed to be. As we move forward into the new decade, sooner rather than later someone’s going to have to address this as it’s not going away.
Old Heads
Here me out. I’m not an ageist. Actually, I love the fact that there are so many people I grew up admiring so easily accessible. However, some of them seem none too receptive of those coming after them. As in, this is my spot, sit your young ass down. The people that came before them weren’t like that, so what gives? A shitty economy, perhaps? Now more than ever are baby boomers battling youngins’ for jobs meant for newbies. What’s more, just as someone who works in media I find that a lot of older workers have a very linear view of things and are not open to change. As a result, many of the publications we all grew up admiring are folding. On top of that, in terms of new media I’ve noticed that a lot of sites are still running with the same old blueprint (some old folks aren’t listening). That doesn’t work. That’s why you find the few publications left trying to play catch up with the people who started their own sites and are now running a market these larger corporations won’t be able to break into…no matter how hard they try. With age comes wisdom so in now way do I want to banish any able bodied worker of a certain age. BUT, it makes sense to listen to those coming up in the world. A lot has changed and we’re the forces driving it. It’s OK to rely on us to take the lead.
I’ve said my piece. Chime in, ya’ll!
Jasmine
December 15, 2009 at 1:45 pm
Rihanna isn’t the first pop star to take off her clothes and she won’t be the last. Get over it.
babygirlja
December 15, 2009 at 2:16 pm
Forehedda needs to sit her ass down. I love how she talks about not waning to be a victim and she wants young girls to be like her and then she’s pussy poopin in the pic.
Kelis sucked Nas dry, literally and figuratively. Does Nas even make that much?. I agree Michael, I’ll be damned if I let someone that me to the cleaners like that when I make it after 2 fuckin years together.
Street Fighter Brown needs a muzzle, a stylist and a presciption.
YAASSS @ Geisha, Kid Fury put me onto it too and its the shit.
Lil Wayne needs to stop playing Russian Roulette with his sperm.
Marikai
December 15, 2009 at 2:38 pm
I would have to add the fuckery fests otherwise known as the BET Awards and more notably the Soul Train Awards. BET never fails to spread coonery from sea to shining sea.
Taj
December 15, 2009 at 3:40 pm
NO. NO, you do NOT get away with it, this time. I`mma let you finish (clearly you`re not done. that list was hella short), but Chris Brown`s Bowtie is the best thing that happened to 2009.
xands
December 15, 2009 at 4:30 pm
I like this list waay better. Between Geisha & Macy Gray’s “Slap A Bitch” it’s really all I need to say during the day. And usually some mention of “stranger bitch”. And Chris Brown’s bowtie is the gift that will forever give.
Third EYE
December 15, 2009 at 5:22 pm
Love your blog and your snark.
But Kelis and Nas were married for over 6 years, they had that wedding like 5 yrs ago and were married almost 2 1/2 years secretely before that. It’s not so fascinating tho, he got married w/out a pre-nup and cheated. It happens lol
Chris browns ENTIRE team has boggled the hell out of my mind though. Talk about a clusterfuck of idiots. From the label to his mama.
Taco
December 16, 2009 at 1:21 am
Ah, Geisha. I will forever delight in that uplifting, breath-of-fresh-air song of hers. lol! The only one that tops that is “It’s So Cold in the D,” but that wasn’t made in 2009 so I guess it doesn’t count.
As for the old heads, I know it’s frustrating dealing with the “old guard” and their rigid mindset. (I deal with similar attitudes in my own career.) I guess all you can do for now is learn what you can and apply that knowledge to whatever your ultimate career is. That or start your own business. As they say, if you want something done right do it yourself!
KayKay
December 16, 2009 at 1:28 am
Honestly Jasmine, with the borrage of blogs updating every celebrity outfit, I am visually harassed at the sight of Rhirhi’s titties more than most celebrities. She is way out of control.
MissTee
December 16, 2009 at 2:13 am
Cosign on Geisha-Shittin’ on You Hoe being the best song EVER! *poppin’ & droppin*
With regard to effeminate young men: MOTHERS STOP GIVING YOUR SONS SOY MILK & THEY WON’T WANT TO WEAR SKINNY JEANS!
mellovirgo89
December 16, 2009 at 10:21 am
Some of your most interesting are also people that we couldn’t help but find interesting. They are being force fed to the public. I would be fine with not seeing or hearing anything about Chris, Rihanna, and Lil Wayne outside of music related ventures for a few years.
Ricky
December 16, 2009 at 11:39 am
Rihanna’s breasts may have the answer to the meaning of life, but they sure don’t have a high school diploma.
And hos are DEFINITELY having the best year ever!
Mina
December 16, 2009 at 11:44 am
I agree with Jasmine. Rihanna is coming of age, and her embracing her sexuality and it seems very much natural to me, very much like what alot of 21 year old women do, and I think with everything shes been thru this year she just said “fuck it” and decided to do her. I dont think its forced. I dont think shes desperate for attention. I think she just attracts alot of attention and mofos are just mad for a plethora of reasons.
Caress Lepore
December 16, 2009 at 12:12 pm
OMG GEisha gives me life. She can make kneecap wigs and shit on hoes all in one breath. I think I have see Rihanna’s nipple more than I have seen mine this year.
Kimberly
December 16, 2009 at 1:17 pm
I love you…and I love your point of view. Though entertaining, I do understand where you are with it. Faaaar better list than Babs.
BonitaApplebum
December 16, 2009 at 8:08 pm
Loved this list. Just beautiful, not only do you give the list but you offer a detailed explanation as to why you picked it! Ah Journalism 101 at its best!
Anyway I would say you left out one thing….Mashonda and the whole Swizz Beats, Alicia Keys love Triangle BS. I guess that could go in the category of hoes, but they along with CB made twitter a regular soap opera this year!
2
December 18, 2009 at 6:03 pm
This post and Taco’s response made me think about a great topic that I would love for you to blog about (I know, I know – you don’t need no help deciding what to write, it’s your blog and you can handle it own your own, etc. etc. etc.)
BUT
How’s about an entry on the best underground internet songs, like Shittin’ on You Hoes, It’s So Cold in the D, and of course Eli – “I deed it!”
I know they got boocoo other songs that I don’t know about that are CLASSICS and you damn sure seem to have your pulse on that real, so how about it?
Ratchet
December 19, 2009 at 1:17 pm
Well, the backlash is coming for Whoreanna and just seems to be building…
And Chris Brown… lord… everything gets blown out of proportion with him.