Resolutions For You, Me, & Them
Whenever I hear people point out that one doesn’t have to wait until New Year’s to begin their resolutions I stop to look out at the sky and wait for these folks to also remind me that the shit is still blue.
As obvious as it is to point out that anyone can attempt a new lease on life on any given day of the week, it’s just as obvious to realize that symbolism means something to many. You look to the start of the New Year with a clean slate and thus, set your goals around it.
To that end, I’d like to share some New Year’s Resolutions for myself and those who need it the most.
For me:
1. I will try so hard (yeah, yeah, so hard) to be less prideful.
2. I will give Ciara another chance. I’ve been so mean to her, ya’ll. In my defense, she was on that bullshit so I had no other choice. However, now that her producers are saying she’s taking it back to her Goodies days, I’m going to give her one last time before I call Waffle House for a job on her behalf.
3. Travel. Where? I’m not telling, but I bet if more folks hit that donate button on the side of the page and dropped some coins there wherever I end up going t would be a lot spiffier. Just a thought.
4. Work on my jig and twirk. It’s competent, but not what it used to be. Think the current state of Mariah Carey’s voice. Wait, Mariah Carey’s voice on a good day. I’ve never been that off with the right liquid in my system. Still love you, Mimi.
5. Be better about certain things. No, I’m not owning up to them on here. I showed ya’ll my scalp yesterday. Have I not given enough?
Now on to the ones who need it most:
Rihanna
This girl has the depth of a wad of spit on cement on a hot summer’s day and the energy levels of a three legged-dog two hours from death on stage. She ought to read a book, take a dance class, and find her bra. Or at least find a consistent key to sing in and two-step to pon de replay to engage the people who could care less about seeing her bare breasts every other day.
P.S. I still like the album, though.
Chris Brown
A muzzle. His computer privileges revoked.
50 Cent
A clue that he is the new Ja Rule only with a bigger bank account. Sure he’s still around and getting his thespian on. Still, taking DMX’s place as the black Steven Segal doesn’t make you any less musically irrelevant.
Have a baby by you?! Negro, no one cares.
Beyoncé
For Beyoncé I suggest a new weave, a new p-pop, and a push towards something along the lines of that soul album she promised us at the beginning of the decade. If that doesn’t happen, at least something less adult-contemporary sounding on the new album. A break wouldn’t kill her, but c’mon nah, ya’ll know how she is.
Alicia Keys
Find the number to Mary J. Blige’s vocal coach.
Lil’ Wayne/Diddy
Get a vasectomy.
Omarion
A hobby because singing isn’t it. I actually like Omarion. Mainly for an aesthetic reason, but liking somebody for any reason is enough, right? I guess not because I can’t co-sign that new album. I heard the preview of it. It sounds like Omarion posturing himself as some thuggish balladeer (it’s meant to sound oxymoronic) as he regurgitates every tired contemporary R&B male singer cliché of the last three years. Chris Brown could take a piss on Michael Jackson’s grave live on TV and still have more hit potential than this guy.
Bow Wow
To shut up. He takes overcompensation to new and embarrassing heights.
Whitney Houston
Find a Nicotine patch and the will to learn to sing in her new voice. Respectfully, she’s been talk-singing and carrying it via emotion (hers and yours) for the past few months. It’s a step-up from performances given in recent years, but ultimately that won’t go far on any future recordings. Gon’ record a jazz album and let some real pain out. Less stress on her damaged voice and perhaps a newfound appreciation for the voice of “New Nippy.”
Amy Winehouse
Self-love. Some new teeth wouldn’t hurt either.
Britney Spears
Get her groove back. And some new weave.
Monica
I love this girl, but if her reality show is to continue in the next decade I’m going to need her and producers to find a plot for this show and run with it. Multiple episodes in and I’m confused and often bored with what I’m watching.
Please don’t shoot me, Mo. I’m still buying Still Standing.
Karrine Steffans
To stay wherever the hell she’s been hiding.
Kelly Rowland
Try to record an album that more than seven people will like and monetarily support.
Frankie
Just stop. Whatever it is she’s doing and consuming, just stop.
Los Angeles
Try not to burn up next year.
Lil’ Kim
Stop singing. I’m not sure what gave her the idea that we ever wanted her to sing-rap, but when your last hit features you spitting hot fire (©Dylan) that ought to tell you something. Hurry before Nicki Minaj truly makes it harder for any of your two and a half other female rappers to get any light.
NeNe Leakes
Go back to the way way she was during the first season of The Real Housewives of Atlanta before Bravo checks her, boo.
Mo’Nique
A lil’ less volume, suga.
The Kardashians
Find purpose. And no, famous for the sake of no longer counts.
Jermaine Jackson
Get a haircut. Sit the hell down. In that order. Don’t need him fucking up anymore of Katherine’s couches.
Joe Jackson
Head on over to Social Security. If he wants a check, they’ll have one there waiting after he fills out some paperwork.
Every major recording artist of the day.
Stop working with the same damn people.
Barack Obama
Try actual change.
Congress
Stop annoying people.
Republicans
Meet someone other than a racist white southerner to talk to.
Michael Steele
See Chris Brown.
The heads of the financial industry
Fall down. Don’t ever get back up.
U.S. Intelligence Community
Do your damn jobs.
For everyday people:
1. Stop passing off refrigerator wisdom as the gospel. Or if you could be so kind, embrace whatever motivates but do so in a way that’s less irritating to the rest of us. I swear some people think because they’ve read Rev. Run’s wisdom they’re automatically swimming the deepest in the pool and is two quotes away from penning their own self-help novel.
“The sun is shining, but not when it rains. God is love.” – Rev. Run
“Scooby Dooby Doo, where are you? No really…where are you? Where are any of us?”
Repeating quotes like this doesn’t make ya’ll deep folks. No one should be pressed to seem “deep” anyway.
2. Stop doing bullshit like this.
Obviously this girl wasn’t hugged enough as a child and has some serious parental issues. Maybe it’s mean, but I hope this girl has fertility issues. I understand this is a systematic problem, but goodness, I specifically don’t want her producing anymore sad statistics like this. One by one we can win.
3. And this shit, too. Look at this fool.
First off, I’m really trying to continue to cling to the belief that some people should be allowed to be free to do what they want regardless of what rigid gender norms dictate, but c’mon nah, this muthafucka looks stupid.
He’s not even the type of fat person who develops man-boobs so why he even bothered to steal his little sister’s training bra for this photo shoot is beyond me.
Fat fail. Penile fail. Parentail. Fuckery fail. JUST FAIL. Make it stop. NOW!
4. If you’re an attention whore and/or opportunist please own up to it. I hate when people try to guise their intentions with some pseudo positivity nonsense. Be straight up. Most will appreciate you for it.
P.S. Not everyone is meant to be “famous.” Reality TV has given way too many false hopes.
5. TELL MORE PEOPLE ABOUT MY SITE.
Sorry for screaming, but I’m anxious folks. 2010 is all about getting you, your cousins, and your folks with connects to know about me and my writing.
This year I’ve noticed more and more people are finding my little spot and I’m so grateful. But I want more to find so how about I blog more and in return everyone who digs the site spreads it all around to people? Deal?
And yes, I had to end this entry with self-promotion. I’m not crazy.
Happy New Year, all!
Michael
December 29, 2009 at 6:53 pm
You just proved why everyone with the ability to type shouldn’t exercise it.
1. This isn’t a personal blog. It incorporates personal topics from time to time, but largely this blog is centered on commentary on issues related to pop culture, politics, and culture. If you were looking for “Dear Diary” this isn’t the place for you.
2. I don’t care what any of these people have to say about my opinion. It’s a given celebrities don’t care what any one particular critic thinks of them.
3. Get what together? Do you have my resume? If not, what you say “don’t mean anything.”
4. You’re appropriating a bunch of nonsense onto me based on things I have to say about people you obviously fancy in “retaliation” but you want me to grow up? You’re a prime example of why more people should be swallowed.
5. Speaking of swallowing, you don’t know who knows what about my sexual orientation. Bless your heart for thinking you do, though.
You can leap off me now.
Run along now and Happy New Year to you.
Ricky
December 29, 2009 at 8:37 pm
“Chris Brown could take a piss on Michael Jackson’s grave live on TV and still have more hit potential than [Omarion.]”
HALLELUJAH. Omarion needs to go back to the drawing board or just go to sleep.
*sigh* @ The 5-Star Chick tattoo. Who does she hope to impress with that? When she’s in the club dry humping it’ll be too dark to see that scribble scrabble on her chest. She should’ve gotten it on her backside, that’s the only place her club suitors are likely to be looking at anyway.
Happy 2010 to you, Michael, and the Cynical Ones. Here’s to more cynicism and blogging in the new year.
BonitaApplebum
December 29, 2009 at 8:39 pm
This was HEELARIOUS!!! I would like to add another person whose internet privileges need to be revoked…Gabrielle Union…ugh *shudders* if she must type anything related to a blog post on the internet someone sign her up for a 7th grade english class!!!
Anyway good luck with all your resolutions!
May God Help us in regards to this country this year! Have Mercy!
Babygirlja
December 29, 2009 at 9:59 pm
This was funny but I expect no less from you.Co-sing with everything you said, Monica’s show is so sad, her record label really does not give a damn about her.
Lil Kim should just take her place at Madam Tussaud’s Wax Museum, no replica needed.
I will try my best to spread the wrod about your site as wide as Gabrielle Union’s legs at the NBA draft.
Happy New Year to you, I see bigger and better things in store for you for the new year and I’m sure you’ll be ringing in the new year jiggin and dropping it low.
J2201987
December 29, 2009 at 10:17 pm
Funny. And if you could add tragic negros Matthew Knowles, Tiger Woods, Pleasure P. Diddy (and his MTB rejects), Nicki Minarj, and Mariah Carey to the list?
Laureli
December 29, 2009 at 10:54 pm
LMAO! I has a loooong facebook disscusion about how *5 Star Chick* isn’t gonna amount to nothing in life earlier today. Other people was tryna defend this bullshit! Like she could actually have a meaningful job with a real salary someday. At least your with me.
sunshine
December 30, 2009 at 9:28 am
i flat lined @ JermaineGet a haircut. Sit the hell down. In that order. Don’t need him fucking up anymore of Katherine’s couches. lol
ANONYMOUS
December 30, 2009 at 11:31 am
This is the “you” I remember. Nice post, “suga.” LOL
FattDoll
December 30, 2009 at 12:31 pm
LOL…i doubt Chris Brown could get off after taking a piss on Michael Jackson’s grave…this would be the Amagedon!!
Dovie Lee
December 30, 2009 at 12:46 pm
GREAT JOB BABY!
TheUltimate
December 30, 2009 at 8:55 pm
LMAO
I beg you — please don’t stop going in on Ciara for 2010. You’re Ciara posts are hilarious!
Lorin
December 31, 2009 at 12:07 am
Totally agreed with a lot of what you said esp. about RIhanna and the majority of artists.Stargate and Bangladesh is old. Do something new. It’s bout to be 2010.
Sunny
December 31, 2009 at 7:27 am
That tattoo was completely embarassing.
8break : Is she a killer? « illist90skd
December 31, 2009 at 8:04 am
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Kimberly
December 31, 2009 at 4:35 pm
…and AGAIN I say, I love your point of view.
Luvvie
January 1, 2010 at 12:25 am
This post was so awesome that I wish I wrote it.
VaunTV
January 1, 2010 at 1:28 pm
Slayed my whole life. Said everything i was thinking lol.. U betta stop raggin on RiRi though lol.