Has The Funk Finally Hit The Fan?

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You all will have to excuse me for being late on watching this Nightline segment.

It’s not that I hadn’t heard about it. Oh…I did. How could you not when most of your friends are black women and you have an Internet connection? So I knew about it, but to be blunt my initial reaction to the report was, “What that got to do with me?” That’s such a selfish and shade-filled response, I know. But hey, I got my own problems!

The narrative is always Black women have standards that are way too high at a time when most black men are in jail, alcoholism treatment programs (hey, Amy), unemployed and undereducated, chasing Lady GaGa’s less eccentric little sister or into the Notorious P.E.N.I.S.

So yeah, I didn’t bother watching it. That is, until a few minutes ago. Now that I have watched it, I only have this to ask: When the hell did Steve Harvey become a relationship expert?

What? You thought I was about to engage in a debate about why so black women will likely die unmarried? I don’t control the education system, the prison system, nor am I a magician. Even if I could get married chances are I won’t either so I’m only good for a hug and possibly a semen sample to create a child in this debate.

I know I’m not qualified to help, but now I wish I were because I feel sorry for black women seeking advice from Mr. Steve Hightower.

I had to pause and rewind the clip when I heard the narrator say “comedian turned relationship guru Steve Harvey.”

I’m vaguely aware of Steve Harvey penning some national bestseller about women needing to remix their line of thinking in order to snatch a man. However, I thought people put as much stock in Harvey’s line of thinking as they did Khia when she dropped “Snatch The Cat Back” and “Get It & Go.”

You mean to tell me you all have turned Steve Harvey into Dear Abbey? Heavens to murgatroyd. That sounds just as wrong as seeking advice on how to hone a talent from a Kardashian. This isn’t meant to sound like a slight to Steve Harvey personally; just the general idea of a comedian suddenly becoming the go to person to speak on black relationships. What’s next? Will Lil’ Wayne become drug czar?

Folks I’m serious, have we collectively become that desperate? Do we put that much importance into the opinion of an entertainer? Maybe he’s helping people and I’m being too harsh on him. I think Steve is cool, but I never pictured him being pegged a love doctor.

And naturally, Steve offers the same sort of criticism already dominating the conversation. Shame on you women for daring to date someone like yourself. Because you know, no other group besides black women likes to forge relationships with like-minded people.

Ugh, you see that? I almost pulled myself into this debate. Nope, not going to do it. Instead, I’m just about to lead a prayer for my female readers of the highest melanin count.

Some of you may recall me previously saying that for about 45 seconds I once thought to become a priest. Obviously, that’s not going to happen. And while I definitely missed church today, last week, and the week before that, I still send BBMs to God so I think that makes me still qualified to put some helpful thoughts in the sky.

Dip your head a slight bit and indulge me.

Dear God,

Before you even think it, no this prayer is not about me whining yet again that you keep sending confused Jesus jocking trolls to me as a joke. This is for my friends on the other side of the genitalia divide.

Now Lord, I’m not even about to pretend with you that the plight of the single black women is about to magically change over night. Shoot, it  probably won’t even change for another generation or two.

I don’t know why you’ve allowed it to become even more difficult for black females, but I’m surely hoping the big pay off will be something spiffy. They sure do deserve it.

As they sat for their rewards in the meantime, I’d like to ask this: Can you at least give black women a break?

Steve Harvey, God? For real?! That’s who you want dishing out advice to them. Weren’t you the one all picky about false idols and prophets?

You couldn’t have even let your BFF, Oprah, in on the debate? At least she would elevate the discussion a little bit?

Clearly women are becoming desperate, and it would be awfully nice if you put some wisdom and guidance into someone else. You know, so they could at least have two “relationship gurus” making TV appearances. We normally only get one (we’ll discuss that later) and if Steve Harvey is all women are getting, then God, that’s just mean. Old testament mean.

Please throw them a bone. They tithe the most.

Amen.

P.S. If you would like to replace Steve Harvey’s name with “Pepa,” I totally understand.

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