10 Reasons To Hate Plies’ Brand of Medicine

If I haven’t mentioned it before, I can’t stand Plies.

As I wrote previously, he talks like his tongue suffered a stroke. If that weren’t bad enough, he’s got the nerve to be a fraudulent goon – as if he bragging about being a real one weren’t bad enough.

But, to his credit he’s not completely annoying. He encourages people to go to school, has a scholarship fund and the like. It’s too bad his music encourages education about as well as a pointy rock being used as a pillow promotes comfort.

Speaking of his music, I hate much of it. I can’t get over that trillest slave flow of his. I’ll admit he has some catchy songs (like two) – namely “Medicine” featuring Keri Hilson.

Her hook makes me like the song – awful metaphor and all. Unfortunately, this video is like an encouragement to abandon health care reform and reminds me that I need to put up a Craigslist ad for Plies’ massa so he can put his ass back to work and stop irking my last nerve.

Here’s the video and 10 reasons why it sucks.

Enjoy (me…not him):

1. This Negro (no Harry Reid) is still talking like slavery ended three weeks ago knowing damn well he could be Akeelah’s spelling bee coach.

2. If you’re going to go with the gimmick of being a hospital and playing doctor, why wouldn’t you throw on some scrubs? C’mon nah, Plies, we know you used to be a nurse’s assistant. Obviously you still have some scrubs lying around.

3. What the hell does Keri Hilson have on and why is she wearing it in a hospital hallway?

4. Keri Hilson’s dancing. Keri is a cute girl with some catchy songs, but she proves you can’t write rhythm. No wonder she throws shade at Beyonce: It’s her fault the labels force every contemporary R&B singer who can’t really “sang” to pop, lock, and drop it.

5. Wait, rewind. Did Keri just say something about a pap smear? Is that supposed to be sexy? That’s the equivalent of Adam Lambert offering to perform a prostate exam. Not sexy. Stop it.

6. The actress in the bed with Plies is awful. If I wrote the treatment rest assured her non-acting ass would’ve been playing “Dr. Kevorkian” with Plies.

7. Did they really insert an “in stores now” caption in the video? Have we sunk that low, recording industry?

8. What’s good with the girl who looks like she just got out of bed? I’m talking about the girl in the scene with the Asian girl who looks lost. I can tell which one’s fake sexy face is worse. Neither could even get a free piece of dark meat from a horny teen at Church’s with those come hither looks.

9. Actually on half a second look (I couldn’t bear watch this bullshit twice), all of the acting is bad in this video. Couldn’t these folks at least have tried to watch a few minutes of Grey’s Anatomy before going on set?

10. All of it.

Not Having Hazel

And some of you all complained about Nicki Minaj (for the record, I stopped and joined the Nicki nation).

Meet, Hazel-E, some LA-based rapper I only discovered yesterday after randomly clicking on her video link.

Let that be a lesson to you: Curiosity can lead to some downright stupid decision making.

At first I couldn’t tell if this video was for real or some sort of parody. Given popular music has become a sub-genre of comedy in itself over the years you now have to give artists the benefit of the doubt.

Consider that stupid choice number two.

I found Hazel-E’s My Space page and she doesn’t come across as the chocolate + estrogen answer to Weird Al. With songs called “Pop My Butt” and “Bitch U Can’t Get These Shoes” I’m assuming she’s serious with this gimmick.

And as far as said gimmick goes, based on her posted Q&A it can be best summed as Nicki Minaj’s annoying cousin from out of town.  The Skipper to Nicki’s Barbie, if you will.

Case in point:

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I Don’t See It, Do You?

Alright folks this is pretty much the blog equivalent of a quickie, but I need people to chime in.

Cue the video:

Now compare and contrast with:

And go.

Chances are if you agree with Renaldo, I’ll hate you to the core. No pressure, though. Just an FYI.

P.S. It’s my blog and I’ll partake in narcissism if I want to. Be self-centered if I want to. Try to get you to indulge me if I want to. You would be self-involved, too, if a Negro said you looked like Que.

Back That Azz Up

Do you want a bigger booty the caption of this video clip asks? Are you tired of your life being described as, “Boys don’t make passes at girls with flat asses?” If so, the makers of Dime Curve Buttocks enhancement have the “solution” for you.

And by solution, I mean something that just may turn your ass cheeks green and lopsided.

I saw a link for this clip in my comments section. Apparently my spam blocker has its limits. No matter, because this is just the type of foolery to start your day off right (or greet you in the afternoon – I am West Coast based now, ya’ll).

Be sure to watch the clip because I want somebody’s off brand medical expertise to enlighten me.

According to this fauxmercial, you buy their magic pill and – bam – soon you’ll be able to use the phrase “chew this ass” and not be met with obnoxious laughter.

How does that work?

Is their cornbread in that mixture?

Better yet after you stop using this “medicine” what happens to your two fuller frames? Does your ass just deflate the day at your strip club try out?

Wouldn’t that be tragic?

As you can see my questions grow almost as fast as your ass is supposed to if you use this product.

I can’t say that I completely fault anyone for wanting to boost the booty. These days it’s so necessary. Still, I have a hard time believing a magic pill is the answer.

Or essentially buying your cakes a push-up bra. I keep seeing this commercial and I’m more dumbfounded each time. I suppose this is much safer than using a turkey baster full of Crisco like the trannies and project chicks, but c’mon nah.

Ya’ll are making me nervous. Who should I blame for this? Nicki Minaj? Amber Rose? Omarion? I can’t say that I’m a breast man unless it’s on a heated wheat bun with shredded lettuce, mustard, and maybe cheese (I’m lactose intolerant, I have my limits) so I get the power of the b-o-o-t-y, but like I said this all seems “interesting.”

If any reader here has bought or plans to purchase this please share your story. I promise I’m not using you the crash test dummy of ass answers. I’m just curious is all.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to hit the Stairmaster and think of some ways to make money off folks.

Know When To Hold ‘Em, Know When To Fold ‘Em

I’m not one for discouraging a person to let go of their dream. To do so would be cruel and believe it or not, I do have a heart not covered in ash and hate. Yet, when it comes to certain people who fail miserably each and every time they try to dance, “sing,” or politic their way to success I wonder why no one has pulled them to the side to say, “This ain’t it, pimpin’.”

Like Omarion, for example. Bless his heart. He seems like a very nice guy and when he says he can dance better than Chris Brown he does so with such conviction you can’t help but hope the boy gets his dance-off.

Unfortunately, homie can’t sing. At all. I used to think there was a glimmer of hope in his vocal ability but alas, that doesn’t seem to be the case. Dude has such a nasally tone to him. It’s always tricky with people like that. They need someone to craft “hot fire” to distract you from the obvious. Songs like “Touch” and much of the 21 album were a step in a good direction, though no one seemed to buy them.

And that ya’ll is the problem – he doesn’t sell. Even when he makes a decent album (21) you all still won’t buy it. Oh and me, because I didn’t buy it either. Sorry, he dropped that disc before Amazon made mp3 albums for 3.99 the first week of release.

So he’s not making the label any money based off of units moved so what gives? Maybe he has a 360 deal or something where the label recoups money from him pop locking for the Dutch. Otherwise I don’t see how he keeps getting record deals.

OK, so there’s that, but is butt enough to keep you around these days?

Especially when you’re performing like this?! If you’re going to lip sync at least try to pretend you’re singing along. It’s why Britney Spears is Britney Spears.

Omarion, good  luck with your new album, but it’s a problem when your mama is the star of your performance.

To his credit, though, he has a much better shot at scoring an ounce of a hit (half is pushing it) than other people out there.

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Reid, Rage, & Race

Wrote a piece touching on the Harry Reid “controversy” and the Negro “backlash” for Aol’s opinion site, Sphere.

Updates here are to come, but in the meantime, gon’ read, please: click here.

I am especially proud of me for managing to work in a Snagglepuss reference in a political piece. I consider that a gift.

Beyonce Promotes Popeye’s, Not Satan

I don’t know why I keep doing this to myself. I imagine I could save more brain cells freebasing than I could watching some sophomoric nonsense like this. And yet, once I saw someone post this video I couldn’t help but look at it. I don’t know, maybe I’m seriously that much of a masochist. Or, maybe I simply want to understand why so many people have this undying need for a boogyman.

When I watched this video, I took at it as some sort of dark comedy. Beyonce using the treatment for “Video Phone” to serve Satan? Surely this is some brilliant piece of satire. It isn’t. This guy and his bad James Earl Jones impersonation are dead serious in trying to convince the masses that the occult is hiding in Beyonce’s twirks.

And like good little sheep who were never blessed with the gift from God called critical thinking skills, they eat this right up.

Mind numbing examples:

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Has The Funk Finally Hit The Fan?

You all will have to excuse me for being late on watching this Nightline segment.

It’s not that I hadn’t heard about it. Oh…I did. How could you not when most of your friends are black women and you have an Internet connection? So I knew about it, but to be blunt my initial reaction to the report was, “What that got to do with me?” That’s such a selfish and shade-filled response, I know. But hey, I got my own problems!

The narrative is always Black women have standards that are way too high at a time when most black men are in jail, alcoholism treatment programs (hey, Amy), unemployed and undereducated, chasing Lady GaGa’s less eccentric little sister or into the Notorious P.E.N.I.S.

So yeah, I didn’t bother watching it. That is, until a few minutes ago. Now that I have watched it, I only have this to ask: When the hell did Steve Harvey become a relationship expert?

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Meet Momma D

Meet a glowing, trill example of why no matter how hard we try there are just some things we can’t escape. Foolery from your people’s hood parents being one of them. Now, I of all people cannot talk about anyone for having a hood parent. My dad was christened the resident OG of my block since I can remember, and considering the folks who frequented our corner everyday of their lives (when I went home for Thanksgiving they were still there) it’s hard to argue otherwise.

However, while my dad may look like Katt Williams and still blast the copy of All Eyez On Me he yanked from sister back in 1996 , he wouldn’t cut up like this for the cameras. Then again, I’m not a rapper so I haven’t asked him to. I’m still leaning towards no, though.

I don’t know how I feel about Lil’ Scrappy’s mama. I’m intrigued that she looks like Dawn from Danity Kane. That is, if Dawn grew up in that Ninth Ward (it’s meant to be typed that way). I’m sort of happy that she’s sticking up for her son’s girlfriend like that. She did call her a bitch and all, but I imagine she meant that in a loving way? My dad once called me his n….you know.

Obviously, I’m also fighting feelings of embarrassment. I mean, this is worse than Frankie, isn’t it? Frankie can blame the rocks along with drinks that can be served on them for her antics. Momma D seems like she’d be this way sober. Or if she does do drugs, it’s probably weed — that she grows, cuts, and grows herself.

After reading some of the comments for the video, I noticed a few claimed she’s a legendary pimp of Atlanta. It started to make a little more sense now.

I asked ATL-bred resident, La, about this, and here’s how that convo went:

Me: Momma D allegedly used to be a pimp. So that explains it.

LA: Used to be? That bitch still got a stable full of hoes ready to trot the corner stallion style. Scrap ain’t making money.

Can someone in Atlanta confirm whether or not Momma D is still running a hoe ring to raise funds for Diamond’s solo ambitions?

And for the rest of you readers, are we laughing or on our knees thanking God for Michelle Obama…and our own mamas? I’m torn.

Leave your comments, but I warn you: Don’t get too slick. Momma D looks like her trunk got trouble and her tongue is hiding something lethal. I’d probably take her to the club.

I Need Answers

1. Did Tameka Raymond offer a few months worth of child support checks to anyone who leaked any tracks from the Raymond vs. Raymond sessions?

2. Speaking of Usher’s “new material,” I’ve noticed he’s still singing about cheating and being an eternal bachelor. By now isn’t it time he sing this tune to a therapist, preacher, or the man in the mirror?

3. Am I the only one not bothered by the use of the word Negro on the 2010 Census form?

4. Is Chingy seriously trying to release new music in 2010?

5. Why does that girl with the Jay Leno chin from Bad Girls Club think she runs LA because she hangs with Miles from Moesha?

6. Isn’t kind of sad how the prototype for most reality programs – The Real World – has turned into the genre’s biggest embarrassment?

7. She may need to read more books in order to stop calling everyone and their Hova a cult member, but that Tiffany Evans sure can sing, huh?

8. Is Chris Brown still whining?

9. Are you afraid?

10. Since he’s been depicted as both brute and hypersexual following his scandal, is anyone else hoping Tiger Woods is getting a long overdue lesson in the racial politics of America?

11. Instead of taking his suggestion, how about we purge the U.S. government of the xenophobic out of touch white men who implement the policies that give people the motivation to try and blow us up to begin with?

12. J.Lo’s still got it, but does anyone still want it?

13. Now that he’s squeezed it, can Matt Kemp take Rihanna’s ass somewhere out of the camera’s view so I won’t have to look at it every single day I get online?

14. Can The Boondocks not take an eternity (or two or three years, same difference) to return to us for the fourth season?

+

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15. ?

16. Hungry?

17. Where can I send Usher hate mail for giving us Justin Bieber?

18. Did anyone else giggle at the idea of Rihanna releasing a picture book – you know, since we’ve seen her inside and out all 2009?

19. Is it wrong that I’ve yet to still go see Avatar?

20. Got questions for me? Click here to ask them.