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I’m forcing myself to like this Nicki Minaj single. When I first heard it I can’t say that I was exactly sold on it. I was expecting something more “fun” considering it’s Nicki Minaj’s first official single and her lighthearted persona is what’s made her such a rising star even before the release of her debut album. I wanted a song that would make me get out of the car at a given stop light and make some quick gas money.

But, “Massive Attack” is what she went with and this is the video for it. It’s no “Shit’n On You Hoe,” but here’s my break down:

1. I see Ms. Soon-Lee’s finest, an aerial shot, a desert and a foreign car. Someone’s got a video budget in the decade of the decline.

2. Wow. Look at that ass. Someone got the Lola Monroe special. Too bad she’s not completely adept at showing off her new model yet. She knows too many queens not to know how to toot that thang up and make it roll.

3. Who exactly are we attacking here? Gwen Stefani? Missy Elliot? Lil’ Kim? Hype Williams’ legacy?

4. Not only do we not need to see Sean Garrett in the video, he doesn’t need to be on the hook. If Hype Williams loved Nicki Minaj he would’ve told him the wrong day to show up on set. Grab a Ken Doll and make ‘her’ teach you how to pop that ass, Nicki.

5. Oooh, I see Amber Rose. All is right in the world now. Forget Hov and Bey, these two right here are hip-hop’s hottest couple. I think I get the video now: Massive attack via dental dam?

6. Wait, Nicki’s random facial expressions are normal now, but what are the other dudes doing? That’s the same shit I do when I get a new bill from Sallie Mae.

7. I still don’t know what the hell a Tom Tom is.

8. Oh, I remember that green wig. Lil’ Kim must have had a garage sale recently.

9. I still don’t really know what’s going on. Maybe I should’ve watched this after Happy Hour.

10. Wow. She really does have a big ole ass. My gay ass would smack the shit out of it if I didn’t worry it would knock one of her inflatable cheeks out. Don’t tell Nicki I said that. It’s not fetch. I hope I said that correctly.

In sum, uh it’s cute or at least it will be to me by Saturday. The song is already growing on me so I will make myself love this video, too. No one calls me Mikei Minaj for nothing.

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As I sit in here as the lone black face in this coffee shop I stopped and asked myself, “How can I embarrass my race today?” OK, so that’s not what I was thinking but you have to own the fact that you’re doing so once you log on to World Star Hip Hop in a public place. In the midst of ass and fuckery themed videos on the site I found what looks to be potentially my new favorite dance.

I say potentially because this instructional video is way too long. Does it really take ten whole minutes to teach a dance called 2 step double? We’re not about to waltz in the club, are we?

One reason why this video is long is it starts off with them giving us an introduction. Yeah, that could’ve been done with a caption. I don’t need to know the last four digits of your social. Just teach me the damn dance.

Nor do we need the dialogue. “What’s up, girl? You ready?” “Oh yeah, I’m ready.” Evidently ya’ll are all ready because the camera is turned on. So much that you practiced these lines. Two points for you getting your straight-to-DVD acting, but get to the point.

Do you see that? I’m already losing focus on why I’m watching this.

Once they finally get to the dance I start to get concerned. Dance on your heels? I’m tall and chances are I won’t do this until I’m in a club under the influence of my whispering friend, Vodka. One false move and I’ll be doing the stanky legg for the rest of my life. Obama signed the reform bill, but I still don’t have insurance anymore. I’m not playing with fire (re: ER bill).

Now to be fair, the girl that looks like Sho’Nuff’s daughter is getting it. However, she and the lost Fly Girl are getting a whole bunch of dances. She’s two stepping, she’s dancing on her heel, she’s dropping it and picking it back up. We all do that in the club in a fifteen minute span. Can I call that a new dance, too?

Then comes her uncle with the cat daddy spin and dougie. Did these folks create a dance by watching 106 & Park with their kids? It sure seems that way.

Or this is a commercial for their unlicensed dance academy run out of one of their grannies’ garage? I’m not quite sure because the link enclosed at the end leads to a site selling cheap CDs of people I’ve never heard of.

I guess they sponsored the fee to get on the site.

So here I am typing as I’m watching this left with the feeling that I’ve been hoodwinked. Bamboozled even. I haven’t learned anything. I’d wish them a stub toe but considering I got hit by an uninsured [redacted] last week I don’t want to take my chances.

Someone tell me there actually is a real way to do this dance? I’ve really been trying to find a new ign’t anthem to dance in the parking lot to. I’m mad I’m not going to get to practice this in the coffee shop like I planned to. I was hoping that would help me in my goal to make white friends in LA.

In the meantime, leave your feedback on this and tips for the other goal.

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There are some people out there willing to stand tall, go against groupthink (thank you, Erykah Badu, for giving Twitter and the blog world another term to beat to death) and say, “Fuck common sense! I’m going to say whatever the hell I want no matter how crazy I sound.”

(more…)

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Though I read the name “Kat Stacks” a few times last week, I wasn’t entirely sure what it meant. However, now that I’ve seen this video I can say it no longer matters what the previous definition of “Kat Stacks” was. I think we can all agree that “Kat Stacks” should be the name of the next newly discovered STD.

I don’t knock Karrine Steffans hustle in theory (or do I?), but dammit if it I don’t hate how she’s inspired so many would be sequels to her heaux-shit empire.

This girl – who actually looks like the shim who had to tape himself down on Top Model – is one of those unfortunate souls who seeks social status via sex with famous rappers. Or in her case, famous rappers and their sidekicks.

I know it’s hard to make out what she’s saying given she speaks English about as well as a deaf person from Guadalajara, but Kat Stacks is complaining about the lack of stacks members of Young Money have. She’s surprised that rappers most people can’t name aren’t rolling in dough. She’s mortified to discover that Gudda Gudda, Mack Maine, and others are totally living off Lil’ Wayne. In his house, eating his food, and like…acting like a member of most rapper entourages. Bless her heart for shedding light on the obvious.

Now while Ms. Stack My Chip Crumbs with My Vadge obviously didn’t strike gold with the hip-hop paupers, as she makes it known she did get some money after spreading them wide for rap’s male answer to the Octomom.

Or as she eloquently put it:

“Yes, bitch, I been to Lil’ Wayne’s crib. I been fucked that nigga, that nigga gave me twelve hundred muthafucking dollars, hoe.”

Did ya’ll catch that part? Bitch she got $1200 out of a multi-millionaire, hoe!

I bet you’re seeping with jealousy. That or you’re spraying your screen with Lysol. Hopefully a few of those dollars goes to the good people who created Hooked on Phonics.

Or perhaps a good attorney given there seems to be some legal issues surrounding one of her many conquests. Anytime you have to say you checked someone’s ID before you smashed chances are you had no business being with them anyway. Learn from Mary Kay Letourneau, Kay Stacks.

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I wish I understood why male celebrities deal with simple groupies like her. I mean, I know what head they’re thinking with, but there has to be plenty of women with enough sense to play a game of duck duck goose without getting confused out there, right?

Oh, and if you have any fears that I might potentially take a sharp object to my wrist over this girl claiming she has a book on the horizon, fret not. She said:  “I’m getting a lot of book deals and movie deals.”

The closet she’s going to get to a book deal is an image in a new pamphlet at her local free clinic. As for that movie deal, thanks to Flip Cam we can all be movie stars, now can’t we?

Say a prayer for this girl and all those who will surely follow her footsteps and infection rate.

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There are some things I just don’t ever want to hear from people. Like, don’t ever say, “He ate your piece of chicken.” Don’t even try to play with my emotions with that old catch phrase, “the jig is up.” And I really hate it when someone says, “No, really, he’s straight.”

There’s actually an even worse pair of words you could say to me. As a matter of fact, there’s a strong chance anyone with a background in journalism or even deductive reasoning will be pissed if they hear you quip, “It’s TRUE! I saw it on Media Take Out.”

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Negro, what did you say?! And by Negro, I meant nigga. I know, I know: I’ll wash my hands out with soap and cleanse my eyes with a well-written essay as soon as I wrap this entry up.

(more…)

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It’s not that I have anything against fat kids. In fact, I myself used to be a fat kid. However, I’m aware of the reasons why I got fat and about 20 of them involved a chicken nugget. Yep, at one point I started to devour 20 piece nuggets all by lonesome at the age of 11. Sure, I was growing but in one area more so than others. And now we’ve reached a point where 1 in 10 minority children are considered obese.

Granted, I was never pegged as obese, but I mention the 20 nuggets to say exercise and nutrition go a long way – especially when you think about all of the mystery ingredients these food companies use to make our “food.”

While there should certainly be some federal investigations into that, right now, I think it’s best we start supporting efforts like those enacted by Michelle Obama. Being fat doesn’t make you unfit, but there are way too many kids who look like they eat what I bench press in one setting.

Naturally, some people disagree and I’ve already received their emails. Somehow, I’m an evil racist henchmen of the far left using AOL News to spread Michelle Obama’s Marxist rhetoric. Clearly, someone’s been topping their hamburgers with poisonous and sprinkles of stupidity.

Whatever the case, you can chime in with your opinion by clicking here.

Thanks as always.

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Disclaimer: This post is intended to be satirical. Meaning, if your ass can’t take a joke, slide down the silly aisle and bypass this post.

Now if you can tell a joke, enjoy!

(more…)

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A lot of ya’ll get on my damn nerves trying to be the new Iyanla Vanzant.

It’s a pattern I’ve noticed for months on Twitter and Facebook: Everyone assuming they need to type like a motivational speaker. The same can be said of certain talk show hosts who feel as though that every single thing has to be made into something larger than it actually is.

Everyone wants to be a poet, philosopher, and quote pimp. To that end here’s a nice quote for you folks: “Everything ain’t for everybody.”

So many want to come across as “deep.” I hate that word. So very, very much. Such hatred is rooted in my belief that most of the people who pegs themselves and their conversations as such tend to be about as deep as my tongue in Snoop from The Wire.

(more…)

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I have a hunch that if most people saw Ke$ha standing on the sidewalk they would drop some change in her cup and keep it moving. I feel this way because when I saw her at a Grammy event I was working, I wanted to do the same. Though I didn’t get a chance (because I didn’t want to) to interview her, I do know what would’ve been my first question: “Where’s your sponsor?”

(more…)

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No, I can’t let it go. Not until after this post anyway. It really irritates me when people act like there’s only one form of hip-h0p. UGK has its place as does Outkast as does Kanye West or someone like Tyga and his damn “Coconut Juice.”

Nevertheless, I just wanted to point out that Keys came hard at Nicki Minaj yet in this video she sounds like she’s been blasting Beam Me Up Scotty.

The word swagger has become the herpes of vernacular so I’m reluctant to use it, but in this instance I can’t think of anything else to say but: She’s swagger jacking Nicki.

How appropriate considering she just dissed the hell out of her.

OK, that’s all I wanted to point out. Talk amongst yourselves.

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