Ten Thoughts on Nicki Minaj’s Massive Attack

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I’m forcing myself to like this Nicki Minaj single. When I first heard it I can’t say that I was exactly sold on it. I was expecting something more “fun” considering it’s Nicki Minaj’s first official single and her lighthearted persona is what’s made her such a rising star even before the release of her debut album. I wanted a song that would make me get out of the car at a given stop light and make some quick gas money.

But, “Massive Attack” is what she went with and this is the video for it. It’s no “Shit’n On You Hoe,” but here’s my break down:

1. I see Ms. Soon-Lee’s finest, an aerial shot, a desert and a foreign car. Someone’s got a video budget in the decade of the decline.

2. Wow. Look at that ass. Someone got the Lola Monroe special. Too bad she’s not completely adept at showing off her new model yet. She knows too many queens not to know how to toot that thang up and make it roll.

3.¬†Who exactly are we attacking here? Gwen Stefani? Missy Elliot? Lil’ Kim? Hype Williams’ legacy?

4. Not only do we not need to see Sean Garrett in the video, he doesn’t need to be on the hook. If Hype Williams loved Nicki Minaj he would’ve told him the wrong day to show up on set. Grab a Ken Doll and make ‘her’ teach you how to pop that ass, Nicki.

5. Oooh, I see Amber Rose. All is right in the world now. Forget Hov and Bey, these two right here are hip-hop’s hottest couple. I think I get the video now: Massive attack via dental dam?

6. Wait, Nicki’s random facial expressions are normal now, but what are the other dudes doing? That’s the same shit I do when I get a new bill from Sallie Mae.

7. I still don’t know what the hell a Tom Tom is.

8. Oh, I remember that green wig. Lil’ Kim must have had a garage sale recently.

9. I still don’t really know what’s going on. Maybe I should’ve watched this after Happy Hour.

10. Wow. She really does have a big ole ass. My gay ass would smack the shit out of it if I didn’t worry it would knock one of her inflatable cheeks out. Don’t tell Nicki I said that. It’s not fetch. I hope I said that correctly.

In sum, uh it’s cute or at least it will be to me by Saturday. The song is already growing on me so I will make myself love this video, too. No one calls me Mikei Minaj for nothing.

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